no need to panic! {gideon<3!}

[CLEO EVERETT]

Gideon had positively been freaking out. There was no she couldn’t stop by his dorm after hearing such panicked rushed… well, she couldn’t call them sentences because they’d hardly been. She’d managed to understand the word ‘paper’ and ‘failure’ and ‘lost’ which didn’t help much but she knew it couldn’t have been good. It wasn’t until she’d reached the North dorm building did she figured out what he’d been so worried about. She would have to, especially if said paper was due the next day. Had he mentioned when it was due? Gideon seemed the type to finish papers earlier. She didn’t know him very well just yet. The picnic had been a few days ago and she’d had enough sense to ask for his number. Cleo hadn’t been expecting the call to start and end on such a panicked note. She couldn’t help but to worry.

Her hair was a mess now. She’d rushed across campus so quickly and her fussed with the red locks as she went in her state of nerves. It bothered her and she tried to finger comb it as she navigated the halls of the North dorm building. Eleven… eleven… She passed it at first, distracted with worrisome thoughts. Cleo had to turn around and focus because passing the room again wouldn’t help anybody. Cleo knocked twice, gently at first. After waiting maybe fifteen seconds, she knocked again, harder and more urgent. “Gideon!” She called through the door, trying to hear for any sounds. It was probably her just being impatient but she felt like he was taking ages to answer.

[GIDEON GLASS]

Gideon Glass was in a state of crisis.

The paper. The paper. He had written it days ago, edited it for the fifth time last night, he had printed it out, he had printed it out five times, he had it saved on his flash drive but he hadn't saved it to his computer, stupid, stupid, stupid...

How had he lost it? How could he have been so foolish? Didn't he know better than that? Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. He was going to fail. He was going to fail and it was all his fault.

Of course, this wasn't the norm for Gideon. Usually, he knew where every copy of his paper was, he knew exactly where it was saved on his computer and exactly which of his several flash drives contained the correct file. What had happened? How could he...? Where was it?!

This had already been a bad day. His mother had called, and the conversation they'd had repeated itself over and over in his head like a broken record.

"Hello?"
"Gideon. It's your mother."
"Oh...hello."
"I was just calling to check up on you."
"That's kind of you..."
"How is your political science course going?"
"...Mother...I've already told you, I'm majoring in chemistry..."
"....."
"I don't want to be a lawyer...I..."
"....."
"Mother, I'm sorry."
"You should carefully reconsider your options, Gideon. This childish dream of yours will get you nowhere."

Childish dream. Yes. All of it was...just childish...he had no hope of actually being successful...

Failure...

The loss of his paper on top of that was what had led Gideon to the state he was in now, panicking and frantic, alternating between tearing apart his dorm in fervent search and curling up on the floor, whimpering. He didn't know what to do. He was lost. He was hopeless. He should just die now and get it over with...perhaps, if he were lucky, he would contract meningitis overnight. Yes, that would be nice.

His dorm looked like a disaster area. Drawers had been ripped from his desk. Papers were strewn everywhere. In the midst of his attack, he'd pulled books off the shelves, clothes out of drawers, anywhere, everywhere, that he could think to look, and none of those places contained his precious paper, not one.

After the disastrous phone call from Cleo, Gideon had crumpled to the floor again, curling himself into a very small ball and trying to make himself disappear. He didn't hear the knock at first; it was the sound of his name that drew his attention, and even then, it took time for him to react to it. He crept over to the door and pulled himself to his feet, fumbling with the doorknob before slowly cracking the door open.

He didn't say anything, but he looked a mess. His glasses were askew, his hair looked like he had tried to pull it out, and his eyes were wide and bloodshot. His clothes were wrinkled and partially undone, and he was shoeless. "C...Cleo," he managed for a second, before sinking to the floor with a tiny sob.

[CLEO EVERETT]

Cleo shifted on her feet anxiously, wondering what could be taking Gideon so long to answer the door. She understood the stress of losing a paper but that didn’t mean that somebody had to take forever to see who was at the door, right? Right! If anything, you’d want to hurry up so you could drag them in and force you to help them look. So, what was taking Gideon so long to answer the door?! “Gideon!” She called again, sounding one hundred times more worried than she had before. The door opened seconds after this second urgent cry. He looked a mess. “Oh…”

Cleo gave him a sad smile, fixing his glasses for him so that they sat straight on his nose. Before she could do or say anything else, he’d sunk to the floor. “Gideon…” Okay, she sounded a tiny bit scolding. Cleo stepped into the room and around him, pulling the door shut behind her. Cleo knelt beside him, looping her arm around his shoulders. “Gideon. Come on now. Crying over it isn’t going to help.” Cleo glanced around, realizing how much of a room the mess was. Clothes and books everywhere. Cleo sighed. “Come on, stand up…” She murmured, helping him to this feet.

Cleo led him to the desk and gently eased him into the chair. She ruffled his hair; it was such a mess right now anyway, she was sure he wouldn’t mind. “Now then.” She leaned against the desk, folding her arms over her chest. “What was the paper for and when is it due?”

[GIDEON GLASS]

This wasn't happening. This couldn't be happening. He had been so careful, he was always so careful, he couldn't...it had to...there had to be some mistake...

He couldn't even look at Cleo; his eyes were dull and downcast, albeit slightly blurry with tears. Instinctively leaning towards her warmth, he curled into himself and mumbled meaninglessly for a few moments as she tried to soothe him. He didn't want to move. He wanted to stay there curled up forever and make all of his problems go away. But that simply was not going to happen.

"Lost...failure...should have...stupid..." he muttered into his knees. He seemed limp and childish as Cleo pulled him to his feet, but seemed to consent to the force she exerted and stood up anyway. (There wasn't much of him to lift. He was a slight young man.) He was unsteady on his feet, swaying slightly, leaning against the wall for support and hardly even seeming to hear her. She guided him over to his desk and he sank into his chair with a defeated exhalation, head lolling forward slightly so his glasses slid down his nose. Normally, he would have violently protested hair-ruffling, but he didn't care at the moment.

He shook softly, seeming to have shut down for the moment. "I work so hard," he whimpered. His voice was very soft, almost a whisper. "I work so hard, but all I do is fail...can't do anything..." His head fell into his hands. "I'll fail eventually...she wants me to fail...wants me to..." His mother wanted him to fail at science so he would get himself "on the right path," the path to being a lawyer like the rest of his family.

"I lost my paper for my astronomy class," he mumbled. "Five hard copies. Saved to flash drive. I spent two weeks on that paper...two weeks...oh, God..." And he descended back into senseless whimpering and nonsense.

[CLEO EVERETT]

Cleo could hardly understand him. He mumbled and as if that weren’t bad enough, he didn’t look at her as he mumbled. He mumbled into his knees or his hands. “You’re mumbling, dear, I can’t…” She shook her head. Had she been this bad when she’d lost a paper? Was that the night she’d called her mother? Had it been night? It may have been three in the morning… She ended up finding the paper saved in the wrong folder on her computer. Her mother had made fun of her afterwards for such a silly mistake. Gideon seemed very upset, though, saying the word ‘fail’ about five times. “You aren’t a failure, Gideon.” She leaned over to hear him better. She? She who? “We all lose papers one time or another.” Cleo kneeled down so she could understand him. He was speaking into his hands. “Who are you talking about?”

Cleo gently took hold of his wrists and pulled his hands down, if only a little bit. “Gideon, listen to me.” She paused, as if to make sure he was. “We’ll find it. Whether it’s one of the copies or the flash drive.” Cleo smiled, hopeful and reassuring. “We’re going to find it.” The best thing she could do right now help him look. If they couldn’t find it, she’d stay with him until he finished rewriting it. Cleo stood up, putting her hands on her hips. She looked around. Cleo began to wander, stepping carefully as the floor was covered with clothes and papers. “You certainly tore the room apart…” It was a small attempt at humor. As she went, Cleo picked up any books. Books didn’t deserve to be on the floor. Her arms full of paper- and hard covers, Cleo returned to the desk, setting them down carefully.

“And even if we don’t—” She paused, “If. I will stay with you until you’ve finished rewriting it.”

[GIDEON GLASS]

Gideon was a perfectionist. A serious, serious perfectionist. Anything less than the absolute best was unsuitable to him. Yes, it annoyed him when others were not attentive to their work or did not do their best, but his absurdly high standards were for himself. Anything less than an A, on anything, and Gideon was in crisis. The loss of this paper, the zero he would receive for not turning it in, was unacceptable. His mind could not even process the idea without panicking.

Cleo seemed as if she were very far away, like she was speaking to him through a pane of glass or from the next room. "I am a failure. I don't lose things. I'm...I'm so careful...I try to be..." He whimpered and ran a hand through his hair, though he tensed and seemed to retreat at her question. "N...no-one," he lied, curling up in the desk chair. He was a very bad liar, as he didn't usually approve of it, but his mother's disapproval of his chosen area of study was not something he wished to discuss.

But...no, he couldn't lie. He wasn't a hypocrite.

Very softly after his denial, he whispered, "My mother..."

She pulled his hands down and spoke to him, and he looked up at her, his olive green eyes wet and despondent. She seemed so confident. He sighed softly; he'd already given up and resigned himself to failure, but she seemed so eager to help. Cleo...she was certainly a ray of sunshine on a cloudy day today. "I-I looked everywhere for it," he mumbled hopelessly. "Everywhere..."

He stared down at his hands. All that work, and the paper was nowhere to be found...

Gideon lapsed back into senseless mumbles before sighing and saying softly, "Thank you..."

[CLEO EVERETT]

“Gideon!” Cleo finally snapped, glaring at him from where she stood, whether or not her was looking at her. For a second, she felt guilty for snapping but she had grown tired of his ‘failure’ nonsense. People always lost things. “You aren’t perfect, sweetheart. You’re going to mess up at some point.” She gestured around the room. “Right now is some point.” Cleo grabbed hold of his upper arm and gently tugged, letting Gideon know she wanted him to stand up. She let go, hoping he’d gotten her point, and continued picking up the mess.

Somehow, she managed to hear his whispered response. “Your mother?” she repeated, tossing what clothes she’d grabbed onto the bed. “Your mother can’t want you to fail. She’s your mother.” Cleo was quite sure, and quite naïve, in believing that mothers were always there for their children. So, there was no possible way that Gideon’s could want him to fail. No amount of convincing would change her mind. She peeked into the bathroom. Just as big a mess. He really had looked everywhere.

“You’re welcome but I can’t do this on my own.” She tilted her head, smiling at him. “You checked every folder on the computer? Picture, video, audio folders? It could be there.” Cleo nodded, picking up a few more books. “I found a paper I lost in a folder for school videos.” She shook her head, setting these books on the night stand. “Did you flip through the books? Check under your bedcovers? Lost the flash drive, too?” Cleo couldn’t help but to giggle. “How did you manage to lose each copy?”

[GIDEON GLASS]

Gideon didn’t like to be snapped at or glared at, especially when in this state of mind, so he shrunk slightly, as if trying to disappear. Obviously, she was annoyed with him. What was wrong with him? “I’m sorry,” he mumbled, looking at the floor. He felt like he needed some more time alone, but if he did that, he’d surely just relapse into tears… “I ju—“ No. There was no way he could explain his perfectionism to Cleo without her just becoming angrier at him. He had to back down. “I’m sorry,” he repeated dumbly. He stood up slowly, feeling very much like a scolded child and rather inclined to curl up in a dark corner somewhere and vanish. Was he really that different from everyone else?

He practically winced as Cleo discounted his claim of his mother’s obvious wish for him to fail. For a moment, he was silent, just staring at her with a sort of muted shock. But… no, certainly she came from a supportive family. Most people did. Most people’s parents supported them no matter the route they wished to take, and once again, he was the one with the unusual situation. He couldn’t talk to her about this, either; his eyes drifted to the floor. “Of course,” he mumbled, and there was a treacherous note of bitingly bitter sarcasm in his voice. “She’s my mother, after all.” This was said so quietly that Cleo would probably be unable to hear the spite latent in his tone—not directed at Cleo herself, of course. Cleo was only trying to help, and really, Gideon was very, very grateful to her.

He supposed he shouldn’t expect understanding. Aid was the next best thing. Cleo… she was a very nice person, and certainly a very good person if she had come all the way down here just to help him. He had to appreciate that, no matter if she didn’t comprehend his perfectionism or his mother’s dislike for his chosen path. He had to be grateful to Cleo. And he was.

“I-I didn’t… save it to my computer, I don’t think, or… or maybe I did, I don’t know…” He pulled out his netbook and booted it up, deciding to take her advice about checking all the folders. Just in case.

“I thought I looked everywhere short of cutting myself open and checking my own stomach to make sure I hadn’t eaten it in my sleep.” His humor was dry, and he sounded exhausted. “I… I just don’t know… I don’t know what happened…” His fingers faltered on the keyboard and he covered his face with his hands, trying to steady his breathing. He had to stay composed, or at least try…

[CLEO EVERETT]

Cleo knew she shouldn’t have snapped, especially after his apology. She hadn’t wanted him to apologize! Just… just to stop mumbling and calling himself a failure. She wasn’t annoyed or angry with him, just a tiny bit frustrated. Perhaps it wasn’t the best idea to snap at somebody who was so upset. Her shoulders fell and Cleo tilted her head a bit, sighing. “Gideon… I…” She shook her head. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to snap.” Cleo watched as he slowly stood. Her heart hurt just watching him. He was really torn up over this. Cleo made her way toward him (it was easier now that the floor wasn’t as messy) and, without much thought, wrapped her arms around him. She’d always thought her hugs were comforting and even if they weren’t, any hug would help if somebody was upset, right?

After a moment, she stepped back and smiled up at him. Cleo began to pick apart the room again, nodding. “Exactly.” She was glad he understood. He’d probably just said she wanted him to fail because he was so distraught. Or something. She wasn’t quite sure. Cleo flattened herself on the floor, and peered under the bed. She was sure it would’ve been spotless any other day, but a few articles of clothing and a couple of papers were now scattered around. She reached and started grabbing whatever was nearest. “You didn’t--!?” Cleo pulled back and sat up, giving him an incredulous look. “You didn’t save it on the computer?” She asked, examining the papers she’d grabbed from under the bed. It didn’t look like astronomy, but it would probably be best to ask. “This isn’t it, is it?” she asked, handing it to him.

Cleo continued to sit there for a few more minutes, taking a break. “Well, I’m glad you didn’t do that. There’s no way you could’ve eaten five copies and a flash drive in the night.” She glanced around, wondering where they all could’ve gone. It wasn’t like the floor had just opened up and swallowed each copy of the paper. “You’d wake up feeling sick.” Cleo got to her feet, straightening her top. “I’ll check the kitchen and you check all of those folders.” She told him, before leaving to see if she could find the paper.

[GIDEON GLASS]

Gideon was beginning to calm down. On his own, he tended to end up blowing things out of proportion when he had one of his attacks. He would lose his usually ever-present sense of reason and logic in favor of panic, and eventually, despair. By himself, he was pessimistic and cynical, always assuming the worst when his anxiety got the better of him. Having Cleo around...it balanced him, in a way. Her cheery optimism was an effective counterweight to his crushing doubt, in himself and in everything around him, and it somehow made him feel better.

He was happy she was here now. Even if there were some things about him she didn't comprehend.

When she spoke, apologizing, he looked up at her, then averted his gaze again, almost ashamed of himself. "That...that is alright, Cleo, I understand. I become rather...unreasonable...when I am, ah. Well. Like this. I--" The hug silenced him. It was surprising; Gideon wasn't really one for physical contact, and he rarely distributed hugs. However, the action was not unwelcome. A little comfort was something he needed right now.

He hugged her back, hesitantly. He was stiff, as if he wasn't really familiar with the intricacies of affection, but his attempt was honest.

She drew away and got down on the floor to look under the bed, but she sat up so abruptly when she mentioned he hadn't saved it. Gideon put a hand to his face and brought it down with a groan. "I know, I know," he mumbled, sounding defeated. "I always save it, but...this time I was foolish...I thought, in fact, I could have sworn I had saved it to my computer, but..." He shook his head. "When I booted up my laptop the next day, the file was not there. By that time I already had it on my flash drive and I had one or two initial copies printed, so I foolishly decided that perhaps I didn't need to save it to the harddrive...oh..." Furious with himself, he fell back against the wall, knocking his head back against it a few times. "Stupid...foolish...idiot."

He smiled dryly at her attempt at humor, finding it amusing but lacking the strength for a full smile. The expression came out a bit weak. "Right..." Pushing off from the wall, he approached the folders and began rifling through them in search.

[CLEO EVERETT]

Cleo felt like she was helping. Instead of sitting around, comforting, she was actually searching for this paper. Comforting really only went so far. Besides, it was much better to have two people looking instead of one. That seemed a bit obvious, though. “Understandable.” She said, shrugging. Everybody got like this at points, whether it be over a lost paper or even a sad movie. Then again, the two were nothing alike so she really couldn’t compare them. You cried over a sad movie but you didn’t necessarily have a breakdown over a paper. Though Gideon seemed to be breaking that cliché. Not that there was anything wrong with that! She found it rather endearing, how much he cared about his school work.

Cleo began to search the kitchen while also picking more things up because it was just as big a mess in here. She couldn’t understand how he’d searched everywhere and not been able to find it. Unbelievable. It was almost frustrating. “You always save it.” She said, repeating him unintentionally. Her advice wasn’t very good if he was the exact same. She shook her head a little, returning the silverware to its drawer. “Always. Two hard copies and a flash drive or not.” Amidst her searching and cleaning, Cleo found a few teabags. She peeked back into the room, happy to see Gideon had begun to search his computer.

“I could make some hot tea if it will help.” Cleo suggested, hoping that if it didn’t help, it at least wouldn’t hurt.

[GIDEON GLASS]

Gideon seemed to relax as Cleo shrugged off his previous behavior, a wave of relief washing over him. Oh, thank Science. He'd lost more than one friend to his...anxiety. It was difficult, sometimes, for others to deal with how neurotic and high-strung he had a tendency to be, despite the fact that he otherwise seemed so composed and serious.

But Gideon was never composed on the inside. His thoughts were always whirling, always, always. It made it hard to sleep sometimes. When he was unoccupied, his thoughts turned wherever they pleased, and he hated it, hated it. It was why - or at least one reason why - Gideon Glass always seemed to be doing something, be it reading, homework, science, or music. He rarely stopped to rest. Doing so bordered on uncomfortable for him.

“You always save it. Always. Two hard copies and a flash drive or not.”

Gideon sighed, sliding his hands under his glasses and rubbing at his face. "I know," he said defeatedly. "I know. I don't even remember what was going through my head when I decided not to. I suppose I thought I already did or...God, I just don't know..." There was a note of exhaustion to his voice. This sort of stress drained him, beat him up and spit him back out. He often felt like this, and it was a weariness that was hard to sleep off. "It was stupid...a stupid mistake, I thought..." He sunk into a chair and started going through all the folders on his laptop. "I thought I..." A ragged sigh. "I don't make mistakes," he whispered, more to himself than to Cleo. "I can't make mistakes..."

The mention of hot tea seemed to perk him up. "That would be lovely," he replied with a weak smile in her direction. He pushed up his glasses a little and dipped his head. "Thank you, Cleo...for...everything. I...I don't know what I would have done had you not come over..." There was a note of genuine gratitude in his voice. Being alone in the midst of a panic attack was not the best thing for anyone, let alone Gideon. Had he been left alone, it might not have been the first time he did something stupid in the midst of an anxiety fit.

[CLEO EVERETT]

Cleo had sort of already started searching for mugs. Even if he didn’t want tea, she wouldn’t have minded some. Though she was quite sure he would. Tea made everything better. Cleo found the glasses and grabbed two mugs, carefully setting them down on the counter. She peeked back into the room, watching as he searched the laptop. He seemed exhausted and she felt bad for having snapped at him during her short time here. “It’s okay,” she told him, “everybody makes mistakes at one time or another.” Cleo barely heard his whispered scolding but had she understood, she would’ve felt bad for her reassurance. She gave him a bright smile, “fantastic! How do you take it? I personally like mine really sweet—” Cleo paused, realizing she was on the brink of rambling. She ducked back into the kitchen, deciding instead to boil the water. She had time to, anyway.

Finding the kettle was easier than the mugs and she filled it with water, setting it on the stove, and turning the fire on. Cleo looked around, searching the kitchen briefly once more. The paper wasn’t in here. She had yet to find it, so she really hoped Gideon would find it on his computer. Cleo returned to the room, sitting on the edge of the bed nearest him, watching as he looked for the file. Cleo waved a dismissive hand, giving him a kind smile. “It’s no big deal.” It really wasn’t; she was happy to help. “I think you would’ve kept looking,” she said off-handedly, not at all sure if that was the case. Cleo looked around, checking again under the blankets and pillows. Nope. Where could the papers have disappeared to? “Any luck so far?” She asked, shifting before standing and beginning her search again. She didn’t like sitting still. It felt like a waste of time. Where else could she look, though?

notes; sorry it's so short!

[GIDEON GLASS]

Gideon nodded dumbly, as if hardly hearing her assurance that everyone made mistakes. People made mistakes. Other people made mistakes. But not him. Gideon Glass wasn't supposed to make mistakes, he couldn't, he...

"Yes, of course..." he replied softly, clicking through the various drives of his netbook. After a moment, he looked over at her and forced a smile. "There are sugar cubes in a box next to the tea bags...I take mine with two," he said, before turning back to the computer. Yes. Tea would help. It always seemed to relax him...some tea would be good for him right now...

If he was not so frazzled, he would have made it himself. He found the making of tea to be therapeutic for him, the little process he had to go through. He'd found that, on occasion, he ended up making far more tea than he needed when he was particularly stressed. Those instances always ended up with him scolding himself for wasting so much tea.

She came back to sit near him, and the corners of his lips twitched in his unique little Gideon-smile. "Thank you anyway," he said, not mentioning that he probably would have been too harried to look for anything had she not come over. He was just relieved there was someone else here.

Turning his eyes to the computer, he clicked on a new file, and as the document opened in Word, he froze.

"C-Cleo," he stammered out, "I think...I think I found it."

Scrolling through the document (it was at least ten pages), his eyes flitted back and forth across the screen, slowly lighting up more and more. "Th-this is it!" he whispered excitedly. "It's...it's only my first draft, I'll have to re-edit it, but I remember the changes I've made and all the information I need is here and the bibliography is all written out and Cleo this is it!"

A sudden wave of relief washed over him, and as the elation of finding the first draft of his paper faded, he slumped over the netbook with an exhausted, but happy, sigh.

"Thank God."

[CLEO EVERETT]

Cleo could very fondly remember leaving in California and eating sugar cubes. It often sated her cravings for sweets better than anything else could. Now, though… why she couldn’t remember the last time she’d had a sugar cube. It almost upset her, it did. It made her miss California more than she’d missed anything in the past few years. “Gideon, have you always lived in New York?” Cleo asked quite suddenly, pausing in her searching. She briefly wondered where the question had come from but quickly decided it was alright. It could easily come across as getting to know him, anyway. Still. Cleo left the room for the kitchen, catching the kettle just as it had started to whistle.

Cleo went to work pouring them each a mug. She added two cubes of sugar to Gideon’s and took it to him before it got cold. Setting it down carefully, Cleo waited for a few seconds and watched as he continued to browse the files. It had to be on the computer. It just had to be. Essays don’t just disappear into thin air! She shifted on her feet before returning to the kitchen. She added quite a few sugar cubs to her sugar and then popped one into her mouth as she went in search of honey. Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. Cleo decided she’d officially need to buy some sugar cubes for her own dorm room. It could work just as well as a pastry from Gingey’s or a handful of gummy worms.

Once her tea was sweet enough, Cleo took up her spot on the end of the bed again. Almost as soon as she’d sat down, Gideon spoke. She straightened up, eyeing the computer screen warily. She didn’t want it to be the wrong file because that could just lead to more despair and a negative outlook of ‘I’ll never find it.’ Which she did not want to happen. However, as he began to scroll through the document (it was so many pages!), he seemed more and more excited. “Is it?” She asked, feeling as if she was speaking quite loudly as he was whispering. Unable to focus on her tea, Cleo set it down on the nearest hard surface and picked at her nail polish, entirely too nervous.

“Oh, wonderful!” She finally exclaimed once he’d let out a relieved sigh. “I’m so glad you found it,” she gushed, a smile lighting up her face. Thank goodness the bibliography was there. It was probably just her, but she absolutely hated that part of papers. “Editing it shouldn’t take too long, right? You’re in the clear.”