A Lack of Color {Scott}

[SCOTT PARKER]

Scott didn't know if he was overstepping his boundaries. He was positive that the both of them had lost track of where an appropriate boundary was between them anymore. Before Scott had wandered into that room, wandered into the musician rehearsing and the beautiful song and before he had seen the gentle, safe side of the boy he had assumed was so harsh and idiotic before, well, before all that he would have assumed that the boundary existed at mere eye contact. Simply being in the same room as Gideon would have been considered too much. Now... well, now it was all different.

Scott wanted to kiss him again. He wanted to lead the evening into a pleasant round of merely kissing and hugging and curling up right on the bed to fall asleep in each other's arms, worried by no threat of schoolwork or social expulsion or familial disapproval, conscious only of the other's breathing and the way his chest felt so warm and inviting. Scott's personal spreader of doubt, suppressed for too long in this particular scene, finally forced its way to the forefront of his thoughts. It reminded Scott that he hardly knew anything about Gideon. The one time they had seen each other before that evening had been in an epic screaming match over musical tastes and studying and work ethic. It had hardly been a pretty sight. Was Scott really so easily swayed that a simple little guitar diddy would get him to turn about face and suddenly go running into the guy's arms?

Scott wanted to pretend like he didn't care about any of that. He wanted to just keep going with Gideon like none of it had ever even occurred to him, like he was still under the blissful spell of ignorance. He knew though, that now there was no going back. He couldn't just keep going, not at least without a bit more assurance. If he leaped tongue first down Gideon's throat it would hardly lead to anything healthy. It would hardly be good for either of them to just rush into this, headlong and without any forethought.

God, he didn't know what was wrong with him. He'd never bothered with forethought before.

"Uh, this is, this is totally, uh, cool with you, I mean, right?" Scott stammered woefully. He had suddenly been tongue tied, his thoughts all jumbled and incoherently stumbling, half-broken into a disgustingly lamentable sentence. He was sure that this was ruining his appearance in front of Gideon. Gideon would probably have been utterly fine with continuing had it not been for Scott's stupid impromptu question.

"I mean, well, that was so out of place and I mean, I didn't even ask and really, I just came in to see how you were on guitar and now here I am all... forward and all and... I'm sorry." Scott got to his feet suddenly, awkward and embarrassed without really being sure why. He knew, he just KNEW that Gideon was judging him, wondering what the hell his crazy neighbor was up to, coming into his room without warning and then just leaping into a kiss. Scott wanted to just get the hell away from there and never have to see Gideon again. He didn't want to have to relive this embarrassment.

"Really though, I mean, I'm sorry, I-I interrupted your rehearsing if anything, I mean, I should go." Scott turned to leave, hoping that his less than graceful exit would redeem at least a bit of his self-respect.

[GIDEON GLASS]

Gideon had always been a creature of careful consideration. He did not leap into anything: he did not draw conclusions without solid evidence, he did not engage in a new field of interest without diligent research, and he certainly didn't go throwing himself into relationships with handsome artists without forethought. The young scientist had learned over the years that safe was better than sorry, that caution and sound logic outweighed impulse and emotion.

And yet, here he was, letting a boy kiss him, a boy whose last encounter with Gideon had involved a great deal of screaming and a slammed door. This did not make any rational sense, and it boggled Gideon.

Why should he be attractive? He was skinny and awkward and shy and he didn't smile very much. His focus was always on his studies. He was serious and quiet and critical. And yet, one interrupted music session and there was this...startling possibility that someone of his own orientation actually found him appealing.

It was enough to almost give his self-esteem a little kick. Almost.

He looked up at Scott, olive eyes wide and searching and confused, but not angry. "O-oh, w-well, I." His cheeks turned redder, and he fidgeted, shyness seeming to overwhelm him. "It...yes, it did not bother me," he managed, his voice barely above a whisper.

Then Scott was on his feet, and, oh, God, he was leaving, and suddenly Gideon was scared, scared that Scott thought that he hated him or that Gideon had done something wrong. He racked his brain for answers. Should he have reacted more forcefully in response? Was he even ready to do that? It had been a very, very long time...

"W-well, it wasn't particularly out of place, that is, I..." They had been...sharing a moment, hadn't they? Or something like that. Really, it hadn't been too inappropriate...had it? No, no, if he didn't think it was, then it wasn't. He had been the 'victim' of the kiss, after all.

Not that he felt like much of a victim.

"No, no, really, it was..." He got to his feet, too, more slowly, careful not to knock down his guitar. "It was...nice...Scott...honestly." The tiniest of smiles curled the corner of one of his lips, and he looked up at Scott over his glasses, his eyes vivid with the emotion his face seemed loath to show.

[SCOTT PARKER]

Being gay had never done anything for Scott. it had never resulted in anything but pain and heartache, from the moment he'd first started to try and come out. He'd always expected it to be something that could be celebrated, or failing that at least tolerated. He had always figured that he lived in a loving society where people didn't care which way you swung so long as you did it in a kind and caring way.

He had been drastically wrong right from the get go.

Now here he was, standing on the precipice between something that could be great and something that could be more painful than anything else he'd ever experienced. He'd already been cut off from one set of people he'd loved. His entire family had disowned him, casting him off like he was nothing the moment they discovered he was something other than straight. Scott didn't know if he could handle getting close to anyone else. His sexual orientation had never brought him anything but pain before. Why should he expect that getting into something with Gideon would be any different.

Still... just now he had experienced something he hadn't in a long time. He had experienced a feeling of security and safety and a feeling so pure and innocent that he found it hard to believe it could be corrupted into anything negative. Gideon didn't seem against the idea at all. In fact, it seemed that he was just as into the proposition as Scott ought to have been. Really, Scott should have been diving head first into this opportunity to finally be with someone. He should have been the one leading this, attempting to make it work. Instead he was pulling away, too scared of getting hurt to try and pursue an opportunity for happiness. Any other day he would have forgotten about his family, forgotten about his friends and reputation and taken the leap.

Today was not that day.

"Gideon, I'm just, I'm sorry." Gideon stood there, looking so peaceful, so kind, so caring. Scott wanted more than anything to just get over his own stupid reservations and take the plunge, give in to his own desires and fuck the rest. He wanted to announce his love, or whatever it was that felt like love, for the whole world to hear, but he couldn't. A growing part of him was feeling overwhelmingly scaed. he was frightened of the knowledge that this might not work out. This would, in all likelihood, turn out to be just another venue for unbearable pain and torment. If Scott had a hard time getting over Dan, a straight guy who had never shown any interest in him, what would happen to poor Scott when Gideon turned away from him? What would he do when he was rejected by someone who he loved more than anything, who he had grown closer to than anyone else in his life?

"Thank you, Gideon, thank you so much for this, for whatever this was, I just. . . I have to go." Scott's face was contorted into an expression of great pain. Backing slowly away, hands raised in an uncertain, apologetic position, Scott made his way for the door.

"I just-I can't, and I'm so sorry for that. I'm just.... I'm sorry." Scott didn't know why, he didn't know how he could possibly be so stupid as to turn this opportunity down, but he knew there was no other choice. He had to go. He had to flee. He couldn't stay and face the man he had fallen head over heels for in the space of one chance encounter.

[GIDEON GLASS]

Gideon had had a single experience cavorting around with the opposite sex.

His name had been...oh, he didn't even want to remember his name, but he had been blonde and smart and dashing and charming, so charming that only the devil himself could have trained him. And he had pulled Gideon into his wild little world and spun him around and showered him in gifts and compliments, dazzling smiles and bright eyes and desperate passions, and Gideon had thought, Wow, such a wonderful, amazing person interested in little me, and it had been the first time in his life he had felt important.

But it had all been a lie.

The thing about boys like Him was that they got bored -- so easily, they got bored. And when He lost interest, he dropped Gideon like a rock, and ran off with everything in him that had ever known how to trust.

He'd been a bit fearful of relationships since then.

But at the same time, he'd craved one. Gideon might have been the type of man who needed, craved, existed in solitude, but at the same time, he had always felt so...isolated, existing in his little bubble, full of workaholicism and neurosis and fear. He wanted...damn, he just wanted someone, someone he could hide in and be with and pretend that the rest of the world didn't exist.

Gideon just wanted to feel safe, just for a while.

Just with one person, maybe.

"Gideon, I'm just, I'm sorry."

But that was stupid to want.

Because he would never have it. Because he was the unluckiest boy in the world and he wasn't meant for love. He wasn't meant to be loved. He existed to work and progress and forge ahead in his stony silence, serious and determined and persistent. Gideon was meant to live his entire life alone.

He just had to realize that.

"Thank you, Gideon, thank you so much for this, for whatever this was, I just. . . I have to go."

He let his eyes drift to his shoes. Of course, whatever this had been would never have lasted. It would have ended in something horrible and disastrous and it would break him far beyond repair, if he wasn't broken up enough already. Damaged goods, that was what he was. Someone else's failed experiment. Scott was too good for that, anyway.

"I understand," he said, very softly, unable to meet Scott's eyes.

"I just-I can't, and I'm so sorry for that. I'm just.... I'm sorry."

He was sorry. That was a change. The last one hadn't been.

"Oh, no, no, it's fine, it's..." He pursed his lips, clamping down on the pained smile that threatened his face. "It's fine. I should be the one apologizing, I suppose..."

He cleared his throat, took a deep breath, pushed up his glasses. "You'd...best be off then. I'll...goodbye." He offered Scott the tiniest of forgiving smiles and turned, walking back to his bed and sitting down.

[SCOTT PARKER]

Scott's heart was beating like it threatened to hammer itself out of his chest. He was so conflicted, but he was overwhelmed with a need to just... go. He couldn't stay. Scott had never really DONE anything with another... guy. There'd been a few times where he'd gotten hammered enough to try and convince himself that he wanted to do something with girls, but that had never really been expected to be all that great and no party had ever been satisfied afterwards. Scott had been more than happy to do the naked dance with some girl he hardly had feelings for. With Gideon... Scott didn't even want to risk having it go that far. He didn't know what to do. He was... he was scared.

Scott didn't want to disappoint. He didn't want to...he didn't know if he could just give it away with someone he actually cared about. He'd always figured that with the right guy, with the right person, with someone he could actually care for, well, he'd always imagined that it would have meaning. That it would be special.

He didn't know if he could live the disappointment if it wasn't. If it ended up just being one more fantasy that he had built up for himself that proved to be as impossible as everything else he'd hoped and prayed for in his life.

Scott shot Gideon one last puppy dog look before quickly making his escape. "I - I'm so sorry, Gideon," was the last thing he said before quietly closing the door and taking the walk of shame back to the dorm.

In some dorm room on the floor someone was playing loud rock. There was a loud clangor of footsteps from the floor above them. Scott didn't pay attention to any of it. He was alone in the hallway and alone with his thoughts as he slowly shuffled back to his room.

It didn't make sense. He SHOULD have stayed! This was exactly what he'd wanted! He had wanted nothing more than someone who would care about him in return. He'd wanted someone just like Gideon to return the feelings Scott had. He wanted someone who could understand him. Gideon was all those things! He was perfect!

So why did Scott run?

Choking back a few tears that seemed to spontaneously rise up within him, Scott stalked down the hall like some misgendered, mistreated, sad excuse for a Cinderella; running away from the one place he'd dreamed and wished for for ages. Running away like clockwork from the one thing that he had ever wanted.

Reaching his dorm room door, he just couldn't bring himself to go in. He couldn't bring himself to go and face the questions from Cleo, the sad little look that she got whenever she was concerned. He couldn't bring himself to tell her anything. He knew that he COULDN'T tell her anything. He'd kept so much from her and he had no choice but to continue. He had kept the fact that he was gay from her. he had kept his feelings for Dan from her and now he was going to have to keep the mess that he'd made with Gideon from her.

He had a new wish. He wished more than anything for someone to be able to tell all this to.

Scott crumpled into a mess of tears and harsh gasps for breath as he slid down the wall outside the dorm, unnoticed by anyone.

Why did he leave?