Excuse me, could I please speak with a genius?

[ZACK CHARMING]

Zack Charming wasn't feeling very well. Every pore in his body seemed to be stuffy and malufnctional: he felt like a ragdoll filled to the brim with dense, heavy liquid. He could barely see. A quick glance through last December's issue of "Pharmacogenetics and Genomics", and he had pinpointed it as extrinsic allergic alveolitis, though it might as well have been idiopathic fibrosing pneumonopathy for all the diagnosable symptoms his body was producing.

So now here he was, sniffling like an invalid and trudging down the long, marble hallway of the mall towards the Apple Store. Playing around with the labyrinthine computer equipment and exchanging technological jargon with the simplistic ignorami at the alleged “genius bar.” Well, he didn’t revere their intellectual capabilities per se. But hey, at least they made an honest attempt to uphold their titles. A lot better than the numbskulls over at At&t. Honestly, how dense could you get?

The aroma of plastic and spanking new electronics wafted into Zack’s nostrils the moment he stepped over the threshold. The subdued whirring of modems and monitors and the reticent tap tap tapping of keyboards were symphonies to his ears. Zack could practically feel the wireless connections zapping through him across the foyer. Ah. Home sweet home.

Zack pushed through the store, ducking and dodging his way around shelves of glistening white laptops and racks of iPhones, and tentatively approached the Genius Bar in the back corner. He slid onto one of the black, mock barstools and folded his hands on the counter. “Excuse me!” he called raucously towards the back room. “May I please speak with a genius?”

A kid who looked like he could use some sun slouched to the bar. “At your service,” he intoned apathetically. Zack grinned broadly. Yes. He loved messing with this one.

Zack leaned forward. “So I was working on a new combinatorial proof of Fermat’s Last Theorem the other night. But I feel like it’s too broad. Mind if I run it by you? Great,” he continued, without waiting for a response. “So consider (Wp+Q)/2+(Wp-Q)//2=Wp. It’s a seismic elliptical curve!”

As Zack droned on, pulling numbers arbitrarily out of his head, he wondered vaguely if there was anyone interesting in here to talk to. “Geniuses” at the Apple store were fun to mess with, but he’d been spewing numbers for about thirty seconds and already he was zoning out.

[VICTORIA ROMENZ]

"Ummm do you guys have the new hardrive I ordered?" Victoria asked putting her elbows on the counter. The guy turned around and opened the door to the back room. He walked in. Victoria could almost count down the seconds or minutes before he came back and asked, "Wait, What's your name?"

Trying to hold back a snicker she answered, "Victoria Romenz." The boy went into the back to look again. Ugh. This was going to take awhile. She walked around and looked at the headphones.

"Wow those have gone up A LOT." she mumbled. She went back to the counter and saw that the boy still wasn't back. She looked around the store.

“So I was working on a new combinatorial proof of Fermat’s Last Theorem the other night. But I feel like it’s too broad. Mind if I run it by you? Great,” he continued, without waiting for a response. “So consider (Wp+Q)/2+(Wp-Q)//2=Wp. It’s a seismic elliptical curve!”


She started to giggle as the IT guy's eyes glazed over. She covered her mouth and breathed in and out. She hated how bubbly her giggles sounded. She started to tap her fingers on the counter and grumbled just loud enough for the tech guy to hear.
"I could work here. Actually I have waay too many brain cells. I would probably have to stand on my head for 5 days and then apply." She smirked and walked over to look at the new technology.

[ZACK CHARMING]

"I could work here. Actually I have waay too many brain cells. I would probably have to stand on my head for 5 days and then apply."

Zack paused mid-lecture to roll his eyes characteristically. “Good luck with that, oh Chica Intelligente,” he called from his perch on the barstool. “Balance on your head for the rest of the time that the human specimen is extant on this earth, and you might just have a plan there. Try sniffing paint cleaners. Or ingesting four gallons of aspartame.” And even that probably wouldn’t be enough to acquaint your IQ with these cretins. He snickered to himself.

Zack’s eyes returned to the Genius, but the spark of inspiration that had previously been fueling his snide remarks had dissipated. It was as if he’d accidentally broken some barrier: thoughts of brain cells, neurons, and cerebral cortexes were flashing in his brain. Math was like a distant dream now. He waved a dismissive hand at the Genius, who was still staring at him expectantly. “Yeah, that’s it,” he muttered in conclusion. The Genius nodded obediently and slipped back to the Employee Lounge at the rear of the store.

For lack of a more productive endeavor, Zack turned his head to face the girl he’d just cleverly advised. “So. You come here often?”

[VICTORIA ROMENZ]

“Balance on your head for the rest of the time that the human specimen is extant on this earth, and you might just have a plan there. Try sniffing paint cleaners. Or ingesting four gallons of aspartame.”

Victoria was about to make a smart alek comment back about how you can't exactly ingest aspartame but the boy finally had come back.

"Here it is ma'm. Sorry about the wait." He handed her the box and she paid for it. Finally she could get this put in and not have to keep most of her files on a jump drive. She picked up the bag ready to walk out when the boy turned to face her.

“So. You come here often?” he asked.

"Only when the slowness of my computer makes me want to put a bullet through my head. I prefer local computer stores but they don't sell Mac parts."

[ZACK CHARMING]

"Only when the slowness of my computer makes me want to put a bullet through my head. I prefer local computer stores but they don't sell Mac parts."

Zack rolled his eyes again. “Well, someone’s Einstein’s second cousin. New hard drive for a slow computer? What is this, a gangbang? Just give me the computer and I can recalibrate the mainframe software contingency faster than you can say…mainframe software contingency. Oh shut up,” he scolded the Genius who had unhinged his jaw in protest. “I know you and your home dawgs can do that with your little power tools. You’re just not very good at it.” He drummed his fingers irritably on the countertop. “Honestly, last time I brought my OS in for software installation you stuck some commiserable ‘antivirus’ thing on there. Almost ruined my prize program.” He shook his head.

While he waited for the kid to stutter a reply he glanced around the store, at the employees and customers who milled around in masses like a tiny colony of ants scurrying across the ground. Some typed arbitrary gibberish into open laptops, others clicked buttons on iPhones or toyed with the taut cords binding products to the shelves. Nitwits, he thought distastefully, glancing from the store to the Genius to the girl. Can’t see how asinine they’re making themselves look. Or don’t care.

He sighed and rocked the barstool back onto two legs, clasping his hands behind his head and resting his feet up on the counter.

[VICTORIA ROMENZ]

“Well, someone’s Einstein’s second cousin. New hard drive for a slow computer? What is this, a gangbang? Just give me the computer and I can recalibrate the mainframe software contingency faster than you can say…mainframe software contingency. Oh shut up,”

Victoria found herself shaking her head. "The last time I let anybody touch my computer besides me it almost died." She also didn't like people on her computer. She had her video diary on there and her inner thoughts were HERS.

"And plus if I could afford any kind of IT work, I'd just buy a new laptop." She said. Her father continued to forget to send monthly checks. Victoria needed a job but she couldn't find any place that would hire her.

She laughed as the Mac people went bug-eyed when the guy put his legs on the counter. "Oh by the way I'm Victoria. You look familar...do you go to Baum?"

[ZACK CHARMING]

"Oh by the way I'm Victoria. You look familiar...do you go to Baum?"

Zack seized the girl up like a predator sizes up his prey. So essentially, there were two tangents he could go off on here: amiciable Zack, or cantankerous Zack. He rummaged in his back pocket and withdrew his FX-115ES Scientific Calculator, absentmindedly punching capricious arc tangents and natural logarithms into the keypad.

So this girl went to Baum? Really. He skimmed through his dense archive containing the memories of the past few months, of pilgrimages through labyrinthine hallways to his locker, limitless masses of faces in the dining hall, and hour upon hour of interminable lectures and classes. His mind probed for a indication of anything: a shadow of a face, a glint of light off familiar eyes…but his instincts drew a blank. Returning to the present he appraised the girl again.

Well she seemed smart enough, though her ignorance regarding the rationality of having work done on one’s computer was a quality Zack found dreadfully insipid. Still, he decided, the cadences and tones of her sentences reflected the shadow of an acumen that held potential for a stimulating conversation.

So cantankerous Zack. Definitely cantankerous Zack.

Zack stood up and leaned flirtatiously against the counter, adopting an apathetic drawl. “Familiar? Interesting, because you look familiar to me as well.” He massaged his chin with thumb and forefinger in mock bemusement. “Do I go to Baum? Well, that really depends. Could you approximate for me the size of your tits? Nearest centimeter will do.”

Okay, so maybe she was a little young to grasp the humor in that assertion. But he could redeem himself later.

[VICTORIA ROMENZ]

“Do I go to Baum? Well, that really depends. Could you approximate for me the size of your tits? Nearest centimeter will do.”

What the hell? Are all smart asses horny? Victoria hung around guys enough not to be offended by his words but you'd think there was at least one guy that had things other than girl's boobs on their mind. Victoria looked down and up again.

"That would be a no..." Victoria cocked her head and gave him a cross between a blank look and a glare. Usually her smart ass friends answer a yes or no question with another question with the answer "obvious" but this didn't make sense. If she made herself look stupid she could always make the excuse of having to leave.

Or maybe she could find an excuse to leave now. This kid kept looking at her up and down. Then something clicked.
"Wait! You're that kid that's a senior at 15." Victoria remembers people talking about him at lunch. Lunch...

[ZACK CHARMING]

"Wait! You're that kid that's a senior at 15."

“Oh, what an observant conclusion!” Zack clapped his hands together in mock applause. “What a protégé we have on our hands. Oh get back to work,” he snapped at the Genius at the bar, who had been staring agape as if Zack were some sort of extraterrestrial.

“Kidding about the tits thing, by the way,” he added in an afterthought, as he returned to the barstool and resumed drumming his fingers on the countertop. “The proportions of a female’s mammary glands really hold no bearings in my adjudications concerning women. I’m more prone to acumens, you know, whether she can fix my hard drive, solve my rubik’s cube…well, I’m sure you’re familiar with the caliber.” He swiveled the stool back and forth in agitation. This little visit was a lot more boring than the original conception he’d pictured in his mind. Time to mix things up a bit.

“So listen,” he adressed the Genius, who’d been passively observing the conversation this entire time. “I was wondering, and maybe you can help me with this too,” he added to Victoria. “This Physics teacher I sincererly despise has just assigned a paper on the Principles of Quantum Field Theory, and I’ve been attempting to concoct the best way to reveal my true feelings for her within the paper. Any suggestions?”

[VICTORIA ROMENZ]

Victoria rolled her eyes. She wasn't in the mind frame to make snappy responses. She worried about the time. She need to get started on her project ASAP or things might get ugly. What time was it? She scanned around the room for a clock.

"I would think so. You seem smart enough to know that a smack to the face causes pain." Victoria smirked. Would she have actually smacked him if she knew he meant it? Probably not. She wasn't in a violent mood.

So he prefer intelligence over beauty. Very few of her guy friends can say that. "It's nice to know your intelligence doesn't lapse in your choice of women." she said. She wondered if he actually meant it. It seemed like he did. Then she realized she complimented him. Before she could take it back he was on another rant.

"Any suggestions?”

"Actually I have to leave." Victoria pulled her phone from her back pocket and checked the time. Her planned ten minute trip last waay too long. "I'm sure you can figure out some way."
"See you around."
She walked out of the store and made a beeline for the bus stop.