THIS. IS. NOT. WHAT. IT. LOOKS. LIKE.

[XERXES HARRISBURG]

Xerxes leaned against the bar, senses struggling to make sense of the anarchic void he was now standing in. Hot steam and glimmers off clinking glass goblets and gleaming bare skin assaulted his eyes, while his ears were bombarded with screams, moans, and seductive sighs. Xerxes grimaced as he watched the figures surrounding him, no more than shadowed silhouettes in the misty, dark haze. Somehow, he was finding it hard to get into the assertive rap screaming and dull thud of a bass pedal pounding from the speakers above his head, no matter how hard he tried.

Xerxes took another sip of…well frankly, he didn’t have a clue what this stuff was. But he was sure it would do wonders for his complexion come morning. Not. He sighed and settled down onto a barstool, clicking his fingers irritably against the marble counter. This was Darius’ home turf, not Xerxes’. Darius was a socialite, prep or shady setting: Xerxes belonged zooming on the ski slope, lounging on the beach, or typing into his keyboard. Anything that didn’t require speech, anything where he could be alone and bathe in his own thoughts. Okay, that sounded really strange. Xerxes signaled to the bartender for another drink, feeling woozy nonsensical Was this what it was like to be drunk? These disorganized thoughts flitting to and fro, colors and senses bland and apathetic? Wow. Those movies made it sound so…fun.

Xerxes took another gulp. Yeah. Definitely not what it was cracked up to be.

Why was he here anyway? He tried to wade through the marsh of meaningless debris that piled higher and higher in his mind with every sip of the coarse liquid. Dance, something about some dance…a spark ignited in his mind. Ah, yes. The Snow Ball. Xerxes twirled a strand of hair nervously between thumb and forefinger. God, it was so hot in here. He could feel his eye makeup starting to run, and his hairspray was losing its hold. He probably looked like crap. He ran a hand through his hair and absentmindedly sipped his drink again.

He hoped a girl would find him, but at the same time was praying one wouldn’t. What if she thought he was a hideous monster? What if he couldn’t think of anything to say to her? Or even worse…what if he lost his voice?

[alliejennings]

Allie stumbled through the club once again, feeling more disoriented than usual. There was too much light in clubs, she always thought. There needed to be more darkness! Sure, it was darker than daylight, but the whole place seemed to have a feel of bright light that almost enveloped her. It was like the light was going to swallow her whole. She almost wanted to huddle up in a ball, but soon the light was growing arms and was crowding around her and she was running out of space. Allie had the sudden feeling that she needed to get away, go towards the darkness. Looking around frantically, she pushed her way through the crowd, tears slowly falling from her eyes. The light was chasing her, she knew it! She had to get away.

Finally, Allie reached the bar, the only place that seemed to escape the flashing lights. "Just a water, please," she told the bartender. The last thing she needed was to be drunk on top of all of this. What the hell was going on? She had never felt like this. The movement, the dizziness, the feelings...it was nothing like being drunk. She loved light! Darkness was supposed to be the scary one, wasn't it? Oh dear...could it have something to do with that little orange pill someone had given to her? Shit. What the hell was she thinking? Who accepts pills from random strangers in clubs? She was too trusting, always had been too trusting. She mentally slapped herself in the face as she looked around, adjusting to all the new colors and movements.

Wait. Was that guy's hair...moving? It was almost like it was pulsating! The black spikes were almost swirling around, the yellow highlights sparkling under the light. It was the most beautiful thing she had ever seen.

"Your hair is amazing." Allie said, eyes wide open as she tilted her head back and forth along with his hair. It was like it was alive. Was it an octopus? No, it was too sharp to be an octopus. Maybe it was a porcupine? No...what was she thinking? Who had animals on their heads? He obviously just had...really cool hair. That moved. Oh dear, she was totally losing her mind.

[XERXES HARRISBURG]

"Your hair is amazing."
Four words strung together in a nonchalant observation, and Xerxes could feel his heart jumpstart to a gallop, thudding against his ribcage as if yearning to burst free. He could feel sweat beginning to condensate in the center of his palms, which he had cupped in tight fists. Closing his eyes and opening them again, he assessed the situation. Okay. Blonde girl. Pretty. Looked nice. Obviously had an appreciation for exotic hairstyles. He struggled to keep his nerves in check. Calm, Xerxes. Think. He clenched his teeth in exasperation as the heat dilated in his cheeks. What was his problem? Why couldn’t he just be normal around girls? Why couldn’t he just be normal around people in general?

Okay. Okay. Calm down. This was no big deal. Just a girl. He closed his eyes and visualized the ski slope back in Casco Bay, the valleys that dipped into the dark recesses of the earth and rocky cliffs that cascaded upwards to scrape the clouds, the fog that transformed your surroundings into an infinite void of immaculate white, the creamy, fluffy powder so thick you couldn’t see your own skis. Just you and the mountain, Xerxes. No words. No people. Just you, the snow, the rocks, the wind, and the sky.

When Xerxes opened his eyes, it was with a new determination. He needed this dance, and he needed this date. What would Darius do? He always managed to get girls. He could hear his brother’s voice rambling in his head. Score the bitch, it intoned, and Darius cringed at the profanity. Play it cool, man.

Xerxes turned to the girl. “Thanks! Thanks a lot. I’m Xerxes.” He stretched out his hand and, in doing so, sent his glass flying over the counter, beer splashing across the counter and down to the floor. Yeah. Real, real cool.

[alliejennings]

Allie looked nervously at the guy and tried not to get caught up in whatever the hell was coming over her. She hoped he hadn't noticed that she was so short. She was only wearing two inch heels today, and was still barely over five feet. He probably thought she was a three year old child by the way she was looking and talking. Why did she always have to make such an idiot out of herself?

"I'm Allie. Nice to meet you, Xerxes." She usually wouldn't have told him her real name, as she liked to go by different aliases when she was in clubs. But her head was spinning too much to come up with a proper story. And he looked kind of young for 21 too. Plus he seemed cool enough to not care about how old she was. Oh dear. That hair. It wouldn't stop moving! Allie was torn between wanting it to keep on dancing or just wanting to grab ahold of it and tell it to stand still.

Allie was distracted from her thougths as Xerxes pushed over his glass, and the liquid pouring out of it suddenly seemed to transform into a waterfall of liquid gold. She stared, transfixed at the shining and swirling pummeling motion for a good thirty seconds. "That's incredible." She said, as the last drop of gold finally plopped onto the floor. Allie shook her head, trying to get the weird thoughts out of her mind.

And on top of all that, the stupid goddamn light would not go away. She just wanted to be wrapped up in the darkness and disappear. Oh shit, now the puddle of liquid on the floor was glowing. No, no! It had to stop. It had to go away. And it was spreading! It was starting to cover the floor with a bright shining glow. It kept getting brighter and brighter and she couldn't deal with it. Hastily, she took her black blazer off and threw it on top of the pool of liquid. There, that's better! No more light. Allie gave a slight smile to Xerxes, hoping he didn't notice.

[XERXES HARRISBURG]

"I'm Allie. Nice to meet you, Xerxes." A small smile teased the edge of her lips, tentative, like a hesitant child first emerging into the crosswalk. Xerxes grinned nervously back, hoping he didn’t look as terrified as he felt. Double ugh. He felt claustrophobic and uncomfortable in this hot, steamy enclosure, and all these people around were making him want to clench his head between his knees.

Okay. He took a deep breath and gathered his thoughts again. He’d found a girl. He’d introduced himself. She’d thought it was nice to meet him. Okay. So far, so good. Now he just needed to get her to go to the dance with him. Right?

He’d run through this all in his head on the way to the club, even mouthed the words to himself as he’d flashed his fake ID and an assured showboy smile to the bouncer lounging against the door. It had seemed so simple then, like a shopping list running sophisticatedly down a page in double columns. But instead of simply checking off the items one by one, he felt like he was muddling it up, drawing arrows and scribbling out letters to his heart’s content. He needed to clear his head, to start with a clean slate again. He needed to get out of here. He couldn’t think with all these people around.

Of course, there was the small matter of the girl, who was currently rocking back and forth with a stoned glaze over her pupils. If he was going to turn on the charm for her, it couldn’t be here. Coming to a split decision he picked up his glass daintily and cleared his throat. “Allie? Uhm…see, here’s the, um, thing…” Damnit. “Want to come outside for a second? It’s, erm, hot in here.”

[alliejennings]

"Xerxes. Zerrrrrrrk-seeees." Allie said the name again under her breath, trying to feel out the syllables with her tongue. The name would have come to her easily in other circumstances, but her thoughts were so scattered that the name seemed like a difficult vocabulary word that was impossible to learn.

The bar was getting more crowded, and Allie apparently wasn't too small to avoid being elbowed by drunk college guys, who all crowded around her asking for beer. She pulled her head into her hands and closed her eyes. They were just so....loud! But then it suddenly became almost like a nice kind of loud, like a really fast beat. She shook her head with the beat as she was enveloped by the group. But they left as soon as they came, and the beat was gone. Allie sighed softly to herself in disappointment.

Okay, somebody had to have made those flashing lights brighter. They seemed like strobes of lighting that were coming out of the ceiling now. The different colors made it seem even more trippy, like lightning on acid, or lightning mixed with different flavored Kool Aid. It was equally as bizarre as it was frightening. Allie stared at them, almost transfixed, and it seemed as if she and the light were having a very long staring contest. However, the light very quickly, and Allie felt the familiar pull to darkness again. It needed to be darker. Much, much darker.

In the middle of this thought, Xerxes suddenly spoke again. "Sure!" Allie said a bit too excitedly at his request. Anything to get out of this flashing light hellhole.

[XERXES HARRISBURG]

Xerxes grinned uneasily. “Great, let’s go!”

He reached out to take her hand, then realizing how sweaty and clammy his palms were, thought better of it and took hold of her sleeve. Knowing she was probably a little loopy, he steered her gently through the mass of bodies in the room, nimbly ducking beneath flying wine glasses and dodging swinging chairs.

Okay, okay. Time to concentrate. The task was now at hand. Time to focus. Sociality didn’t come as easily to him as it did to most people, and he needed to time this exactly right, to be on his guard at all times so as to make the impression he needed to make. Darius would know what to do. Why couldn’t Xerxes have inherited some of the charm that Darius got? They did have, like, identical DNA after all. Why did Xerxes have to be the social invalid?

Xerxes pulled the door open and stepped out into the cool night air. Ah, much, much better. He breathed in deeply, sniffing the aromas of city sidewalks and fast food Chinese restaurants wafting his way. Up, far above, he could see the mountains towering high towards the heavens, topped with modest caps of snow. That was where he truly belonged, above the world, alone with his thoughts. But at least out here was a step closer to his home than being crammed into the little, steamy, sweltering hovel with hundreds of drunk people.

Xerxes stood uncomfortably for a few seconds. “It’s, erm, nice out here,” he observed

[alliejennings]

Allie closed her eyes when she felt a hand on her sweater sleeve, and let the mystery man drag her through the crowded abyss. She thought of dark clouds and soft noises, anything that was the opposite of where she was now. The tugging loosened, and she finally opened her eyes. They were almost at the door now, and she watched as Xerxes expertly guided her through the remaining crowd of people. How did he do that? It was like he had superpowers!

Allie gasped as Xerxes opened the door and she took her first big gulp of fresh air. The fresh air felt so light and...airy compared to the stuffy room inside. And it was dark out here! Sure, there were the few spots of light coming from cars or street lamps, but it was nothing compared to what it was like it the club. Stupid lightning Kool Aid monsters of doom.

Allie took a couple steps forward, to where the sidewalk ended and the street began. She placed her toes at the very edge, watching as the passing cars made streaks of light across the black patent leather. She could have sworn the streaks almost looked like tiny bears running across a field on her shoes. She giggled to herself at the thought.

Xerxes' voice sounded like a soft echo to her ears, and she barely picked up on what he was saying. Something about something being nice? "Erm....yes, nice." She responded softly, more interested in the bears now than the amazing haired boy behind her.

[XERXES HARRISBURG]

Ahem. Okay. This wasn’t awkward or anything.

Xerxes cleared his throat. Maybe this hadn’t been the best idea. Maybe she wasn’t the right girl for him after all. Well, that wasn’t really his objective, but all this tramping around night clubs searching for a dance date had really gotten him thinking. Maybe it was time to, as Xerxes would say, “Blitz the tits.”

Ugh. He felt dirty just thinking that word. Tits. Did this girl even have any? He glanced downward, sizing them up, but since he didn’t have any basis of comparison, the objective was mute. Double ugh. Maybe he didn’t need a dance date after all. Maybe he could just sit in the common room and watch TV. That was pretty much what he did every night, while everyone else was out releasing their dignity into the wild at unhygienic, unsophisticated clubs like these. And he didn’t mind, either. He preferred being alone to being anywhere else, Still, it was a little pathetic that he pretty much had no friends. So in a way, this was sort of a breath of fresh air.

Thank you Dr. Phil, he thought irritatedly to himself, as the silence dragged on and on.

Okay. Time to refocus. He needed to make some conversation now, before this girl passed out or something. He scanned her up and down, searching desperately for an angle to play off of.

Her eyes. That was it. The way her pupils seemed to shrink with every second, as if she were growing more and more distant from reality. Xerxes knew enough about the horrid things from his twin brother, and now that knowledge just might come in handy. If he played his cards right.

“So, um, do you, like, want some drugs or something? Because, uh, my brother’s a pretty…well, he’s got some back in his dorm, and, erm, I, you know, have the key, so, like, if you maybe…you know.”

Whatever. Close enough.

[alliejennings]

Allie stared at the cars as they blurred from multiple flashes into one singular line. She squinted determinedly until her eyes were forced shut. It was weird, but she could almost still feel the line in front of her. The wind was already strong, but the passing cars made it seem to go even faster, like a hurricane that was wrapping around her. But it wasn't an evil hurricane, it was almost like the wind was hugging her. It was shielding her against all the horrors of the world, in a tight windy blanket.

She kept her eyes closed as she heard porcupine boy talk about getting drugs. "Oh no, I'm not into drugs," she said quickly, more to the street than to Xerxes, not realizing how ironic that sounded. Well, she wasn't into drugs, that was true. She just was bad with not putting colorful things into her mouth, apparently.

Wait. Was this boy a druggie? Was he the one who gave her the pill? Maybe he was trying to murder her! No, that was not good at all. She didn't want to be murdered! She was too young to be murdered, there was so much more life to live!

Allie faced the wind as if somehow it would protect her. Gah, who was she kidding? This guy had to be at least twice her height, or at least that's what it looked like from there. It almost seemed like he could crush her with his foot.

She tentatively turned back to look at Xerxes, as if she expected him to be holding a knife to her neck. But alas, he wasn't. He was standing a couple feet away, looking at her curiously with that crazy hair of his. She tilted her head as she examined him, looking for any traits of a murderous pedophile. She was pleasantly surprised: his hair was crazy, sure, but his eyes were soft and kind, almost like a deer's. Definitely not a murderer. He seemed almost frightened of her, in a way. Why would he be scared? She didn't think she was scary.

Oh wait. She had just spent the past 10 minutes staring into the street aimlessly. Well, that explained it.

Allie pushed a strand of frizzy blonde hair behind her ear as she slowly turned away from the street and towards Xerxes. "I'm usually not this crazy, you know," she said almost pathetically, as if him accepting her sanity was her last hope in life.

[XERXES HARRISBURG]

"Oh no, I'm not into drugs."

Xerxes’ eyes scanned the figure that wobbled before him, from the bloodshot eyes that flitted back and forth as if scouting for prey. What were they, like, seeing, those eyes? Certainly nothing that was part of the visible spectrum, because nothing that he could see would bring about such an intensity and, like, excitement in those eyes. “Mhm, you’re not. And I’m, like, a snowboarder.”

Whoa. Had he really just, like, said that? Holy God, what was going on? That was like the eighth time today something totally involuntary had just burst from his mouth. It was like, the opposite of what normally happened with him. Where usually he couldn’t find his voice, today it was just mouthing itself off like a separate being. What was going on?

“I’m, uh, sorry, you know, about that. I’m sure you’re…uh, not, like, into that stuff. And I’m, uh, not, like, a snowboarder. I, like, ski, you know?”

“I'm usually not this crazy, you know,"

Well thank God for that, thought Xerxes, but the previous spark of confidence that had flared up inside him was now smoldering in his stomach. “Uh…cool. Yeah that’s…good.”

Another long silence, as Xerxes reached deep inside himself and drew up his last scraps of vocal power. “So, like, you, um, you know, go to Baum Academy, or anything?”

[alliejennings]

"A snowboarder?" Allie's eyes widened as she tried to imagine Xerxes' hair in a snowboarding helmut. How would that work? Were there holes for the spikes to go through? And why were those spikes looking particularly sharp and menacing now? They were like knives. Scary knives.

But she had already decided that Xerxes wasn't scary! She shook the thought out of her head as she heard him say something about skiing. "Oh! So you like snow and stuff. I don't like the cold, but I like snowflakes. When you look at them closely...and they're all different....and yeah." What was she even saying? I mean, she did like snowflakes, just not cold snowflakes. Or anything even remotely cold. Like this stupid wind that wouldn't go away. It had gone from hugging her to ripping through her blazer like a bunch of tiny arrows. She closed her eyes and tried to ignore the piercing cold that ran through her blood. How could anyone enjoy this monstrosity? It was horrible!

Allie tilted her head and slowly opened her eyes as she tried to concentrate on what the boy was saying. Something about a bomb? What bomb? There was a bomb? Where? They needed to run away! Why was Xerxes not running? Wasn't there a....oh. He meant BAUM. The school. "Yes! Baum! I go to class there. I live there too. Like in the dorms, not the classrooms."

[XERXES HARRISBURG]

”A snowboarder?”

Xerxes rolled his eyes and shook his head, imagining the enormous gangs of retards in dumb little, like, helmets and little sneaker things that they shoved into like, little pieces of leather they called bindings. Right. “Oh God no,” he said, feeling more free with his speech than he’d ever felt before. It was as if the rubber band he’d stretched around his fingers had snapped and was flying free. He only ever felt this way with Darius, or when he was alone. It was kind of, like, nice, you know?

“No way, dude. I mean, uh, girl. Snowboarders are like, dumb. They like, take away all the snow with their little obnoxious board things. So you can’t, you know, ski on it, so you like, trip, and then your helmet comes off and your hair is down and you’re not, like, wearing makeup or anything so you like, look stupid.” Yeah. Yeah Xerxes, just like that. Well at least it was better than not being able to, like, interact with anyone at all, you know?

"Oh! So you like snow and stuff. I don't like the cold, but I like snowflakes. When you look at them closely...and they're all different....and yeah."

Xerxes’ eyes almost widened, but he restrained them almost painfully. Someone else, like, thought that too? Totally fucking rad. “That’s, like, exactly how I feel,” he said, a small smile playing at his lips. This was so, like…cool.

“Like, none of them are like the others like, at all, and they’re all like, different designs and different sizes, right?” Xerxes grinned, visualizing the tranquil flakes fluttering to alight on the ground. “And then there’s always that one, right?” he asked a bit more distantly. “Like, the one that’s so different from all the others that you can like, see it? Like, it stands out to you, you know? I mean, it kind of, like, makes you feel like you’re not so…” his voice trailed off as he toyed with words in his brain, trying to figure out how to word the thoughts meandering wildly around his brain. Different, he thought silently, but he didn’t want this girl to think…well, yeah.

"Yes! Baum! I go to class there. I live there too. Like in the dorms, not the classrooms."

“Me too,” sighed Xerxes, glad for a change from the uncomfortable subject. “I’m a junior. You?”

[alliejennings]

"Yeah...." Allie said softly, taking in everything Xerxes said slowly. She didn't know much about skiing, she had always avoided things where she ended up cold and wet. But The way he was describing it...it reminded her of something. "It sounds like...flying. I'd love to fly. It's my greatest wish. Soaring above everything...it wouldn't be like flying in an airplane, you know. Flying in an airplane isn't really flying. I've never liked airplanes. It always feels like I'm strapped into a moving box. And I'm always next to that kid who's crying the whole time...and... it's just not the same, you know? When I was little, I used to jump off my swing and think that all I wanted in the whole world was to never hit the ground. I thought that maybe if I jumped enough times, somebody would somehow hear me and my wish would be granted. It never happened, of course...it was a silly thought."

Wait. Why was she telling him all this? She didn't even know this guy! They met ten minutes ago, and his hair looked like spiky knives! Oh wait..look at that! His hair didn't really look like knives anymore! It just looked like....hair. Huh. Well that was surprisingly....normal.

And why was she suddenly so nervous? She felt so carefree before. But now...everything was starting to seem so real. She was talking to a real guy on a real street outside of a real club about her childhood dreams. He wasn't even talking about flying at all before! Where did she get that from? He probably thought she was a freak. "So...um...skiing sounds fun. And...yeah. Maybe you could teach me someday." Maybe you could teach me someday?? Allie mentally slapped herself in the face.

Like, it stands out to you, you know? I mean, it kind of, like, makes you feel like you’re not so…”

"....different." Allie could finish the sentence for him, she had the same thought all the time. This was crazy. It was almost like they were the same person...not in a creepy way, of course, but in a way she hadn't felt in a while. Like she wasn't so...alone in this world. As she was thinking this, she wasn't aware that she had subconciously moved close enough to him that she could count the freckles in his dark brown eyes. When did that happen? Did he move in too or was that just her? Well, it would be too awkward to back out now...

And with that thought she leaned over and kissed him.

tagged: xerxes
word count: 420
lyrics: dancing - elisa
notes: none for now
credit: NOA the amazingness

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[XERXES HARRISBURG]

"It sounds like...flying. I'd love to fly. It's my greatest wish. Soaring above everything...it wouldn't be like flying in an airplane, you know. Flying in an airplane isn't really flying. I've never liked airplanes. It always feels like I'm strapped into a moving box. And I'm always next to that kid who's crying the whole time...and... it's just not the same, you know? When I was little, I used to jump off my swing and think that all I wanted in the whole world was to never hit the ground. I thought that maybe if I jumped enough times, somebody would somehow hear me and my wish would be granted. It never happened, of course...it was a silly thought."

Xerxes nodded and realized, with a start, how hard he was blinking. Oh God, was he gonna like, cry? Okay, time out. No crying allowed. He’d spent too much time on his makeup to ruin it all now like he had yesterday with that girl, like, Neta or whatever? No. No crying. Zip. Zero. Nada. Big fat goose eggs.

He settled for a wistful sigh. “That’s why I love skiing,” he said distantly, his voice weighed down by longing bordering on entreaty. “Like, I know all you’re really doing is like, going down a hill with plastic on your feet. But you’re really, like, succumbing to, like, gravity, you know? Like, just putting your trust completely in something. Like when you slide down a slide, or climb a tree, or dive off a diving board, you know? You like, feel the wind blowing past your face, and everything, and you know that you could die in an instant. But you just have to like, trust, you know? Put your faith in something you can’t see. Put your life, every ounce of your trust, in, like, something out of your control. Especially when it’s something you can’t do with…well, people…” his voice trailed off again, and for a split second he wondered if he was, like, diving in too far. Was he just going to like, creep this chick out? “Well, I mean, at least for me. You know.” Or maybe she didn’t know. You know, whatever.

"So...um...skiing sounds fun. And...yeah. Maybe you could teach me someday."

Xerxes hated teaching people how to ski. Like, it wasn’t one of those things you could just, like, read the instructions to and then do. It was a muscle memory thing. Like, he didn’t think about what he was doing when he rotated from edge to edge, flexing the muscles in his legs. It was like…well, walking. No, it was easier than walking. Way, way easier. But this girl seemed to, like, understand him. Like other people didn’t.

It was like what he had with Darius, the way they could see what the other one was thinking before they finished their sentence But this went deeper, somehow. Darius was like, all popular and “badass” and “ghetto” and everything. He knew Xerxes better than, like, basically anyone else, but even he didn’t understand what Xerxes went through every single day. But as the word “different” escaped from her lips like a wisp of summer air through the leaves of the trees, the idea cemented itself in his mind. He, like, knew. He knew this girl in front of him. And he knew she knew him.

“Yeah. Sometime. I’d…uh…I’d like that.”

Her lips were warm, like soup gurgling down his throat. He closed his eyes like he knew you were supposed to do in like, the movies, and yet he could still see her, clear as ever, bright eyes shimmering in the darkness, and he knew.