IN-CHARACTER STUDY GUIDES

[DR. FINN THOMAS]

So I discovered the best way EVER to study for tests...in-character study guides! Not only is having one of your characters make a study guide the most fun you will ever have with studying, but it totally ensures that you will never ever ever forget the material.

Scout and I were talking earlier tonight and thought it would be quite smashing if other people could use these IC-Study Guides, if they happen to need to study the same subject or whatnot. So without further ado, here's Finn Thomas studying U.S. History from the years 1754-1787.


So basically, the empires are at war. Which empires? I don't fucking know, Great Britain, France, Spain, what, do I look like a god damn atlas? Look the countries the fuck up, you little shit! Fuck, this is going to be a long day.
So basically the first three wars had contracted what I like to call "soccer syndrome", meaning that the United States really didn't give a shit ((special prize if you get the reference!)). Seriously, there's only one sentence in this book to describe three fucking wars. Seriously, textbook? Are we going to have conflict, textbook? Anyway, the winner of these three apparently really inconsequential wars would have supremacy over the West Indies, Canada, and dominate colonial trade. Wait, wait, what? West Indies I can see, but who the fuck cares about god damn Canada? All they have up there is hockey, maple syrup, and people who say "abewt" all the god damned time. If I were the British I'd fucking pay us to take Canada. Seriously. Get it off our hands.

So apparently these wars were named after King William and Queen Anne. Don't know who those people are, guess they're not that important, because all I have is their fucking names. English tried to capture Quebec and epically failed, while the natives burned their settlements, because the French liked them, apparently, and also because fuck Britain, man. Great Britain got Nova Scotia from France, though why the fuck they'd want that I can't even imagine, stupid retards, and trading rights in Spanish colonies. Wait, so they got a Canadian province and the ability to trade with Spanish people? Jesus Christ, their negotiator must have been like, two years old. Then there was George's War, where Great Britain fought the French and the Spanish. I guess whoever the fuck King George is must have been a real dick, because everyone seems to be fighting fucking wars against him. Oglethrope repulsed an attack on Georgia, and New England troops captured Louisbourg on Cape Brenton, giving them access to the St. Lawrence River. Then there was like, a fucking peace treaty or something, in which Great Britain just fucking gave back Louisbourg for more power in India, which is a fucking bullshit deal to make. Oh, hey, looks like the New Englanders agreed with me!

Okay, so now we're at the French and Indian War, the 4th war of this little World Series of wars, which actually started in the colonies with French fighting Britain. So this one was kind of like the World Cup, because the Americans finally started watching. The French started the War, those little fuckers, at the Ohio River making a fort to stop British Westward growth. So then Virginia sends this force under the guy on our One Dollar Bill to win the fort, which they totally fucking lose because god damnit, French! This dude named Braddock defeated 2000 troops somewhere, so why the fuck isn't he on our dollar bill? Bull shit. U.S. Bearau of Printing, someone get on this! Anyways, there's an algonquin raid on the frontier from Pennsylvannia to North Carolina, which I totally wish they'd just fucking wiped out, because the Carolina Hurricanes are the worst team in the history of bad teams. The British attack them and fail, because apparently the British can't win goddamn anything in this chapter.

So up next we have the Albany Plan of Union, which the British government requested, because they're fucking retards. A bunch of representatives met in Albany, because they probably just closed their eyes and pointed to a random city on the map, and Ben Franklin made the plan for intercolonial government, recruiting troops, collecting taxes, and defense. Of course, the colonies liked their own taxation powers, because they're fucking hormonal teenagers, apparently, so they didn't pass the damn thing. Though it still set a precedent for Congress? I guess? So apparently we now have a Congress based on a plan that was voted down by a bunch of hormonal teenagers. God damnit, maybe I should move to Canada.

Finall-fucking-ly, the British win something. William Pitt retakes Louisbourg and takes Montreal, because fuck hockey. Of course, the French overpower him again, and there's the Peace of Paris, giving the British Canada and Spanish Florida, and Spain west of Florida, Louisiana, and stuff west of the Mississippi. This made for British supremacy in America, as well as establishing Britain as the dominant naval power, keeping the colonies safe from France, Spain, and the Natives. Of course, these colonies are still fucking hormonal teenagers, so there's a little trash-talking going on. The British think the Americans are all badly trained, chaotic, and make light of the fact that some colonies didn't even contribute and probably wouldn't be willing to defend their frontiers. Bet it was North Carolina. Hate that damn state. The Americans were all proud, confident, like the big smoking misfit kid who's totally not at all impressed with the big football jock dude.

Of course, the British decide to pick this time to go in for some Spring cleaning. Before this time, apparently, the British didn't have a shit ton of control in America, and didn't enforce their Trade and Navigation Laws. However, the British were broke as shit after dishing out the dough for that war thing I just talked about, and now all the landowners wouldn't quit their yackety-yack-yack-yackin' about how much they needed lower taxes. HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT, GODDAMN LANDOWNERS? I'D LIKE SOME LOWER TAXES TOO, BUT GUESS WHAT? IT AIN'T GONNA-oh, sorry. Anyways, George III and the Whigs decided that the colonies were going to give them their money because you know, being colonies, we're totally made of money over here.

This all leads to a totally badass thing called Pontiac's Rebellion, in which a bunch of Indian dudes up and attacked the shit out of some Western colonies. This came from anger, because these fucking colonists were doing this stupid Western expansion thing, and were all up in their fucking business. Hey, if it were me, I'd have a rebellion. Oh, and also, Great Britain didn't give them any gifts. Spoiled little brats. They desrtoyed settlements from New York to Virginia, even after the British sent troops because...okay, can the British just stop sending goddamn troops? Seriously, they lose every single fucking time. Just stop trying. Seriously. Take Canada and go away.

Next comes this Proclamation of 1763 crap, which says a bunch of shit about colonists not settling West of the Appalachians, which is apparently supposed to prevent natives and colonists conflicting. Of course, following Proclamations is too mainstream, so the colonists just go ahead and settle there anyway, because fuck the po pos, man.

So of course, this turns the whole British government into a tizzy, in which they apparently start crapping Acts out their ass. Seriously, there are so many of these fucking things. First there's the Sugar Act, or Revenue Act of 1764, because one name is way too mainstream, man. This act like, taxes foreign sugars and luxuries, to raise money for the crown. Oh, and hey, remember that Trade and Navigation stuff, the one nobody really was giving a shit about? Yeah, they decide to start giving a shit right around now. They try accused smugglers in British courts, which sounds totally legit to me. Then there's the Quartering Act, where the colonists have to provide food, living space, and shit for British soldiers. Okay, so I have to admit, that one's a dick move. Who the fuck wants a stupid old British dude up and waltzing into their house? You'd be drinking tea within days! Then there's the Stamp Act, to support the British military in the colonies, where you have to put revenue stamps on all printed paper. It was the first direct tax on the people, which ticked the Americans the fuck off. This one dude named Patrick Henry stood the fuck up in the House of Burgesses and says that the government should recognize colonial rights, while James Otis sends some chain letter around telling everyone to protest it. Hey, we're so legit, we even made a freakin' Stamp Act Congress, with a bunch of representatives meeting in New York! Oh, there was also this tiny little club called the Sons and Daughters of Liberty, which was like the school bullies roaming around the hallways, tarring and feathering the shit out of anyone who even looked like a tax collector. They also went around and destroyed stamps, because fuck stamps, man.

So there was this whole boycott on British imports that was totally a drag, but put a ton of pressure on the British to repeal the Stamp Act. Of course, the British don't know how to do anything except make acts, so next comes this Declaratory Act crap, which repeals the Stamp Act, but says that Parliament basically still has the right to do whatever the fuck they want. Then comes the Townshend Act, which taxes glass, tea, and paper imports. The revenues were used to pay crown officials, not the colonial assemblies. Oh, and also, the British can search your home now. Like, no search warrant, or anything, just some little piece of shit called a "writ of assistance". So, yeah, better not smuggle any shit, because damnit, they will come the fuck after you. It also suspended the New York Assembly for defying the Quartering Act. This is where John Dickinson, who is apparently really famous, though he sounds like a fucking cat to me or something, has to stick his two cents in. He claims that Parliament can regulate commerce but can't tax the colonies without the consent of the representative assemblies. Taxation without representation is against British Law, bitches! Fuck yeah, this is getting so juicy.

So now we have our old pal James Otis and his little beer dude, Sam Adams, who send around another chain letter about how they all need to repeal the Townshend Act.

The colonists decide to boycott British goods, which leads to a shit ton of smuggling. The Townshend Acts finally get repealed, because apparently Britain has no backbone as well as sucking at war. Also, there's a new prime minister named Frederick North who wants the repeal, though he keeps a small tea tax, because fuck off, America. Fuck you. Tea is our thing.

Next we have this little incident called the Boston Massacre, in which the colonists harass the guards, apparently, and the guards fire into the crowd. They're acquitted of murder, because you know, they're British, why not? This still works in the colonists' favor though, as they get to use this to make a scapegoat out of the British.

Which leads to another whole stream of propoganda. Sam Adams and all his little homies are going around screaming about the British officers conspiring against freedom and shit, the Committees of Correspondence send letters about threatening British Activities. Our friends over in the House of Burgesses have little intercolonial committees. Then we have The Gaspee, which is a British customs ship that catches a shit ton of colonial smugglers. It runs aground, because the British just suck at life, apparently, and a bunch of colonists come up dressed as Indians and set fire to it. Wait, what? Indians? Come on, you guys can be more creative than that.

Next up is the Boston Tea Party, starting with another god damn act, because the British can not get enough of these things. The Tea Act makes tea from the East India Trading Company, even with the tea tax, less expensive than smuggled tea. This is supposed to help East India Trading Company with their financial problems, though it doesn't really help that the Americans just refuse to buy their tea anyway. Oh, and some more colonists disguised as Indians board a boat shipment of tea and shit and dump it all into the harbor.

Okay, so in response to the Boston Tea Party, the British just go ahead and crap out some more Acts, because shit, look how well they all worked the first six or seven times. First there are the Coercive Acts: the Port Act closes Boston Port until the tea is paid for, the MA Government Act gives less power to the Massachusetts legislature and more to the government, the Administration of Justice Act lets royal officials get English trials, and the Expansion of the Quartering Act, which is basically a giant "FUCK YOU" to all the colonies who hate quartering soldiers. Then there's the Quebec Act, which organizes Canadian lands, making Catholicism the official religion, a government with no assembly, and extending Quebec's boundary to the Ohio river. The colonists fucking lose their shit after that, because God forbid Canadians should have to stop playing hockey and go to god damn church every once in a while. They attack Canada, taking away the Ohio Boundary.

Oh, hey, apparently the reason for this shit is all philosophical. The Englightenment taught that the darkness of past ages could be corrected with reason, which is fair. Then this dude Locke comes along saying that the state is supreme but that man must follow natural laws based on human rights. Sovereignty is with the people and not the state, and citizens should rebel when their rights aren't protected. Washington and all his high-power homies are all up and coming, and they're all deists. Also, apparently reason can solve the problems of life and society, though I don't really want to know what that's opposed to.


So anyways, the Americans were having none of this Intolerable Acts crap, so they call on the First Continental Congress to fuck some shit up. All the colonies except Georgia, because fuck Georgia, man, had a little pow wow at a Pennsylvania convention to decide how the fuck to react to them. They decided to fuck independence, but still wanted to protest the lack of freedoms and restore a good relationship with the crown. Patrick Henry and The Adamses were the liberals of the party, while washington and John Dickinson were moderates and John jay and Joseph Galloway were those fucking conservative bastards. There were no loyalists, because fuck loyalists. Galloway drafted a plan to reorder relations with parliament and form a colonial union: this was voted down by one, and good riddance, because he was a fucking republican.The congress still adopted the Suffolk Resolves, which rejected those god damn intolerable acts and told the colonies to resist by making military preparations and boycotting British goods. They also crapped out the Declaration of Rights and Grievances, which was a petition to the King to restore the aforementioned. The Association, which is the most creative name in the fucking world, went around nagging committees in each town to enforce the Suffolk Resolves, and of course, they all planned a second continental congress if Britain couldn't get its fucking shit together.

Then the fighting started, because we're all little children who apparently can't get along for shit. The King dismissed the petition because he's a fucking dickhead, and declared Massachusetts in a state of rebellion, which seems pretty badass to me but is apparently a bad thing. Thomas Gage, a British general, was bored one night, and decided the best thing to do was to fucking take all our military weapon shit from Concord. Paul Revere and William Dawes all ran around telling everyone, and the army assembled on the Green. Americans retreated because we're fucking pussies, and the British destroy our weapons.

Next comes Bunker Hill, at a military fortification at Breed's Hill, because fuck accurate titles. The British took the hill, but apparently the Americans still won, because they inflicted heavy losses and shit, and because WE GOT THE POWER, MAN.

Oh, hey, look, another Continental Congress. It was divided, because the Democrats wanted independence while the moderates still wanted negotiation, because they were fucking dumbshits. There was some military action, and the Declaration of the Causes and Necessities for Taking Up Arms, which called upon the colonies for troops. Washington, the dude on our dollar bill, was appointed commander in chief of the military, and led the militia in Boston. Benedict Arnold was...okay, it's fucking like, 7 years later, and we STILL fucking care about Canada? Jesus shit, we liked our maple syrup back then. Anyway, he drew it from the British. Also, apparently we have a navy and marines now, just FYI.

Okay, seriously, colonists? You're going to send him an OLIVE BRANCH PETITION? After he's fucking TAXING YOUR TEA? Jesus fuck, you little pieces of shit, grow some balls. Anyway, this little olive branch shit pledged loyalty to the King, asking him to intercede with parliament to secure colonial rights, because I mean, we all know that asking the King to do things for us has worked so fucking well so far. Mr. Dickhead dismisses this too, which was probably a big fucking surprise to those dumbasses. Oh, he also craps out another act: The Prohibitory Act, declaring the colonies in rebellion and forbidding trade and shipping with England.

Oh hey, this guy looks cool. So there's this dude named Thomas Paine who writes this little piece of shit called Common Sense. He argues for the colonies becoming independent, and that it's not logical for a large continent to be ruled by a small island. Oh, and also, the British government was corrupt, and he wasn't takin' none of that shit. Of course, we have to put up another Declaration..oh hey, I've heard of this one! Okay, so the Declaration of Independence says that congress favors independence. Richard Henry Lee drafts a resolution, and delegates on the committee wrote a statememtn in support. Oh, and apparently one is Thomas Jefferson, the dude on the nickel. Lee's and Jefferson's works were adopted. Yeah biddy!

Alright, here we go, this is where this war stuff gets legit. So The patriots were mostly from New England and Virginia, and would take time off from their farms to fight. Washington never had more than 20,000 troops at a time, that deprived little shit. The army was poor and ramshackle regardless. Then there were the African Americans, who were given their freedom if they fought for the British. Of course, Washington matched this offer, that sneaky little dog. Then there were the loyalists, also known as Tories, who fought with the British, supported them with arms and food, and joined raids on Patriot homes. They were all wealthy, because fuck poor people. The Native Americans supported the British because hey, remember when the Americans attacked them? Karma's a bitch. The British proposed to limit Western settlements in addition, so hey, free land!

THe first years were pretty much shit for us Americans over here. THey were defeated at the Battle for New York City, and the British occupied that and PHilly while the Americans chilled in Valley Forge. THen there was the god damn economy, and trade was declining because, surprise! THe British are occupying our ports! Also, there are barely any goods, there's a shit ton of inflation, and yeah, our money's worth about diddly squat at the moment.

On the bright side, we do have an alliance with France, though that doesn't impact other nations. We won our firest battle at Saratoga, where the British marched from the West to meet with others and cut of New England. Gates and Arnold attacked them, and the pussies surrendered. This caused the French to join to help weaken the British, because fuck you, tea sucks. Though apparently they'd been aiding us earlier, but we just won't bring that up. It distracted the British, which was good for us. Also, Spain and Holland joined later, but no one needs to know that.

So then the British want to consolidate their army, and decide to do it at a base in New York. While they do this, George Rogers Clark and his patriot homies stroll on over to Illinois county and capture the shit out of the forts over yonder. The British concentrate on Virginia and the Carolinas, which are apparently the hottest gig around for loyalists. Yorktown is the last major battle on the Chesapeake river, and we get a lot of support from the French. Finally, Cornwallis surrenders.

Oh, hey, another Treaty of Paris! Man, we just fucking love that city. The war was unpopular because it was straining the British economy. Karma's a bitch. So the whigs wanted it to end. THe treaty said that Britain recognized the colonies' independence, that the Mississippi was the United States border, and that the AMericans could fish off the Canadian coast. Of course, we were supposed to pay debts to the merchants and give loyalists back their land, but shhhhhh. We have a don't ask, don't tell policy about that.

So they all get together and organize some new government. THe 13 colonies basically all wanted their own governments and COnstitutions, those selfish little fucks, but the original constitution said one government. Of the state governments 10 had constitutions, while Maryland, Pensylvannia, and North Carolina had proposed and submitted them to the people for ratification. They started with a bill of rights, which said we can have trial by jury, freedom of religion, and all that jazz. Then there's the separation of powers, which made a bicameral legislature, an executive governor, and judicial courts. THis was a safeguard against tyranny, because fuck tyranny. Also, all white male property owners can vote, and the rich have more say than the poor. Freedom for the win!

Next comes the Articles of Confederation, which was a Constitution drafted by John Dickinson. Congress modified it to protect states' rights more, because like I said, selfish little fucks. The AOC were ratified everwhere except Maryland and Rhode fucking Island, who were both little straigh-edge pricks. In the new government, each state gets a vote, with 9 out of 13 required to pass, although if you're amending the Bill of Rights, fuck it, you need a unanimous vote. For minor decisions, the states get their own special committees. Congress can wage war, make treaties, send dimplomats, and basically do everything except regulate taxes, because god forbid they shouldn't have to rely on STATE approved taxes. Oh, and they can't enforce laws. Go figure.

The Articles helped us win the war, The government helped by negotiating the Treaty of Paris, and wasn't that goddamn nice of them? Then there's the Land Ordinance of 1785, which was a policy for surveying and selling West lands, and set aside a section in each town for school. And now I have to teach these little dipshits every day of my fucking life. Great. Thanks, Articles of COnfederation!

[DARIUS HARRISBURG]

FOR 11TH GRADE HEALTH TEST

Alright, this better be really goddamn quick because I got places to be, chicks to bang, honey to eat, and bongs to smoke. So one of the two types of sexual harassment is Quid Pro Quo, which apparently means "this for that", and I dunno what you're talkin' about, but that sounds pretty goddamn like nice, good boning to me. Then there's hostile environment, where you make someone feel scaaaaaaareeed . Oh come the fuck on, I make people scared 24/7 and I ain't never sexually harassed nobody, you dumbshit teacher. The four elements of a hostile environment are behaviors that are unwelcome, pervasive, related to gender, and interfere with a student's educational opportunity. Yo, does this mean I can get that Xavier kid arrested for sexual harassment, because that dipshit always interferes with my educational opportunities, comin' all up in my dorm like he fucking owns the-okay, okay, sorry, studying.

When you're sexually harassed you're supposed to ask the harasser to stop, tell others, keep a journal, contact Human Resources, and then call the CHRO or the EEOC. Fuck, man, can't I just like, punch 'em out or some shit? Honest-fucking-ly.

Sexual assaults are committed most often in the home, which seems like bullshit to me, but whatever floats your boat. The stages of sexual assault are flirting and friendship, which is a pretty bangin' stage if I do say so myself, boundary slippage, where the freedom to act and personal space is invaded, hostile environment, quid pro quo, and good 'ol sexual assault. Oh, hey, so apparently if you're under sixteen in Connecticut you can't consent to sexual relations. HAHA FUCKING HA, what goddamn losers! God, pussy fucks.

The three stages of acquaintance rape are...okay, seriously? There is no goddamn reason these need to be fucking stages. Intrusion, where the dude violates her personal bubble or whatever, desensitization, where the bitch gets used to the intrusions, as she damn well should, and isolation, where the dude gets the bitch alone and they have the fuck at it, except apparently it's still rape. Kay.

The types of teen dating abuse are isolation, where you cut your bitch off from friends and don't let them see other people and shit. Fair enough, that'd make me want to cut a bitch. Then there's economic abuse, where you take all their dough and money and shit, sexual abuse, where you make them smash you against their will, oppression where you use sexism and shit, physical abuse where you hit or punch them, emotional abuse where you call them names and shit, and intimidation where you use a loud voice and "threatening movements". Fuck, I use "threatening movements" and I totally ain't part of no teen dating violence. Fuck the popos.

Some signs the relationship might be violent are if the dude embarasses you, puts down your accomplishments, doesn't let you make decisions, or threatens you, or if you feel scared of him, make excuses to other people about his behavior, or always do what he wants instead of what you want. Dude, what the fuck? That's bullshit. If we're in a relationship, we are doing what I fuckin' want, okay? And I ain't abusin' you neither. I just got places to be, people to see, and...yep, yeah, I know. STIs.

The main viral STIs are Genital Warts...oh fuck, dude, Genital Warts? That's fucking sick, man, I'mma just pretend that one wasn't on the list. Herpes, HIV/AIDS, and Hepatitis. Then there's all this bacterial bullshit like gonorrhea, syphilis, chlamydia, trichomoniasis, and pediculosis...ew, like lice? You can get lice on your fucking dong? God damnit, man, next question.

Uh, an opportunistic infection is an infection that takes advantage of the weakened immune system, and I don't fucking feel like copying the rest of that shit. I know all about god damn condom use, we're not going to talk about that either.

Alrighty, well, I'm off. Later gaters.

[DAN KAPLAN]

Okay, so I have this health test tomorrow and I’m really nervous, because like, okay, you don’t even understand. I have to pass health, or…well, actually, what happens when you fail health? I always thought that like, some big evil Health monster came after you or something. God, that would be scary, wouldn’t it? I think that would be scary. Are you scared of monsters? Wow, that got off-topic. Okay, here we go.

So, stages of drug use. Okay, wait, breathe, breathe, I got this. Drug abuse. Okay. So there’s experimental, so like, a science experiment? With drugs? No wait, wait, this says it’s in secret, obtained from siblings or friends. So like, if I got drugs from Luna or Vaughn, but then I just hid in my room and did them, that would be experimental. Okay. Then there’s social/recreational, where it’s only at parties and on weekends, and being social is the focus. Oh, and also, apparently it’s only alcohol and like, weed? And it’s still in secret. Okay. And then there’s seeking, which is apparently like, a million miles away from social/recreational, where you’re doing them once or twice a week, and using other drugs besides alcohol and weed, and using them to escape from your problems, and getting drunk and wasted all day, and your grades slip, and your friends change, and God, seeking sounds like it sucks. I don’t ever want to be seeking, right? That sounds like a bad thing to be. Then there’s Harmfully Involved, where you use it like, regularly, as part of your lifestyle, and it helps you cope with stress, and now your parents know but are still letting you use it. Okay is it just me, or does Harmfully Involved sound way better than Seeking? Could you just like, skip Seeking? Because that’s what I’d do, not that I do drugs, because I think they smell bad, and I don’t like things that smell bad, because that’s gross, and ew! And then the last one is Dependence, where you like, NEED to get high, and you use drugs every day, they’re your first priority, and all the adults give up because they can’t control you.

Okay, alcohol. Oh hey it’s that thing my dad drinks all the time! Okay, this one should be a breeze. Alright, so alcohol is detoxified by the liver, and ew, my mom used to make liver, and I hated it. Seriously. Most disgusting thing I’ve ever eaten! Anyways, so the liver gets the alcohol out of the blood. And some of it gets out in your breath, which is totally eeewwwww because I hate beer breath, and sweat, and urine. And it’s metabolized at a rate of .015 of blood alcohol concentration every hour, which…Idunno, that seems pretty slow. I’m a pretty slow runner. Once I was in a race and-oh, sorry.

Uh, drinking and driving! Oh, I saw a movie about that once. It was really gross. This one girl like, got her leg chopped off by a wheel or something. Wouldn’t that be really painful? Getting your leg chopped off? I cut my finger once, and it really hurt, so I can’t even imagine having my legs cut off. Have you ever cut yourself by accident? Not your leg, probably. I was just—oh right, sorry. Anyways, so you shouldn’t drink and drive, according to this worksheet thing. Apparently there’s this implied consent law thing that says that once you get your license, you automatically consent to breath tests, blood tests, and urine tests. Then there’s Zero Tolerance, which they have at my school, but I guess this is a different thing? I know at my old school we had to walk to the principal’s office whenever they thought we were doing something violent because they had a zero tolerance policy. I wish they hadn’t had that, because the guy who always talked to us about it was really scary. But apparently this zero tolerance law says that if you’re over .02 and are under the legal drinking age you get scary penalties. So I guess that’s like walking to the principal’s office, but like, the police station. God, that would be scary! Alright, so teenagers. Teenagers who drink are like, way more likely to get into accidents than adults are, which is totally not fair, but whatever. Half of young drivers involved in drunk accidents have a BAC of .02, which is not a lot at all, apparently. And then apparently using two drugs at the same time increases the drug reaction in the kid, which increases the risk of injury. That sounds stupid. Once when I was little I tried combining ice cream and a pop-tart, but that didn’t work very well either.

Okay, binge drinking. So binge drinking for guys is 5 or more drinks in one session, and 4 for girls. Wait, that sounds sexist! Shouldn’t they have equal binge drinking requirements? Hmph. Then binge drinking leads to alcohol poisoning, which is a severe elevation of blood alcohol concentration which may lead to a coma or death, often resulting from consumption of large amounts of alcohol. Wow, that’s a lot of big words. The first symptoms are slow breathing, slow heartbeat, and slow gag reflex. Then you lose consciousness, can’t breathe, get hypothermia, go into cardiac arrest and get brain damage. Jeez, that’s drastic. For five drinks? Once I had five drinks of soda during one movie, but I don’t think that gave me hypothermia. Do you think it would? Maybe I’ll ask my gym teacher. Then, after all that, your breathing and pulse slow, you go into a coma, there’s even MORE brain damage, and then you die. Fun! Oh, and if your friend shows signs of alcohol poisoning you should not leave them alone, call 911, place them on their side, and do mouth-to-mouth or CPR if needed. Even more fun! Once I tried to give CPR to my friend, as a joke, but it didn’t do anything except make him really mad and chase me everywhere.

Tobacco. Alright. So tobacco is the main ingredient in cigarettes, and HA! I totally knew that one already! So there, stupid study guide! The three most common ingredients are nicotine, tar, and carbon monoxide. Hey, isn’t carbon monoxide that thing you die from when you sit in your car for too long? What do you think would happen if you smoked a cigarette while sitting in a car for a really long time? Someone should try that. Except not really. Oh, and then there’s also smokeless tobacco, which can be either Snuff, which I guess is like a powder that comes in tea bag-ish things, that you like pinch between your lower lip and your gum, or chewing tobacco, which is—hey, that’s that thing that the Red Sox are always chewing!—gum, I think? And you put it between your cheek and your gum? And it can be shredded, twisted, or “bricked”. Hey, that sounds like pork! Mmm, I’m hungry. I want some pork. Pork is really good. And there are these things called carcinogens, which cause cancer, in chewing tobacco, like formaldehyde, polonium-210, and nitrosamines. Nitrosamines are the worst, which makes sense, because their name sounds the scariest. Oh, and you can get a ton of diseases like tooth discoloration, leukoplakia, pharynx cancer, cheek and lip cancer, worn teeth, gingivitis, tooth decay, gum disease, cancer of the tongue, larynx cancer, esophagus cancer, bladder cancer, atherosclerosis, heart disease, and stroke.

Mainstream and sidestream smoke. Sidestream has the same effects as mainstream, but apparently is more dangerous since it hasn’t been filtered. So don’t sidestream smoke! Whatever that is! Don’t do it, guys! This is getting so boring…

Okay, so now marijuana. I should be all set with this one, because I saw that one South Park episode where they learned it. Marijuana comes from a plant called cannabis sativa, and it totally makes sense why they call it cannabis now, because I’d always wondered that. THC is the main thing that gets you high, also called delta-9-tetrahydrocannabinal, which sounds like a spaceship name, and I think spaceships are really cool. Once I got to go in a model spaceship, but it was a little scary, because there wasn’t very much space, and I was really claustrophobic. THC is fat-soluble, which sounds like it means that it dissolves in your fat, but apparently it actually means that it can stay in your body for long periods of time, in high-fat areas such as the lungs, the brain, and the reproductive organs. Wait a second…there’s fat in the BRAIN? Like, my brain is fat? Can my brain lose weight when I like, think really hard with it? Should I go on a brain diet? I’ll have to ask on Yahoo Answers later. Apparently it can be detected in your body for 28 days after use? Oh, wait, that doesn’t seem like that long. That’s like one February. I kept a goldfish alive one whole February once, but then I forgot to feed it for like, six days in a row. Then there’s this reverse tolerance thing, which says that the more you use, the less you need to get the same effect. It’s a gateway drug, meaning that it leads to doing other drugs,

Oh! Ecstasy! I love that song! Ecstasy is methylenedioxymethamphetamine, or MDMA, and has the same properties as speed and hallucinogens. The amphetamine high results in increased heart rate, hyperthermia (which I think is the hot one), sweating, teeth grinding, and rapid eye movement, as well as, well, raves, which look really cool, but I guess they can give you seizures, so maybe that’s not so cool. And then you get really depressed if you keep doing it for a long time.

Oh, and then there are these little things called methamphetamines. Those are stimulants—hey, like coffee! I like coffee!—and they can be injected, snorted, smoked, or ingested. You get a “rush” which, I dunno, is that like a high? This is really confusing. Anyway, short term effects are…oh God, here we go…increased wakefulness, decreased appetite, hypothermia, irregular heartbeat, irritability, confusion, tremors, paranoia, increased physical activity, increased respiration, increased heart rate and blood pressure, cardiovascular collapse, prolonged insomnia, anxiety, convulsions, and aggressiveness. Long term are violent behavior, psychotic behavior, auditory hallucinations, mood disturbances, delusions and paranoia, homicidal or suicidal thoughts, skin abscesses, brain damage, insomnia, and tremors. So methamphetamines! Don’t do them! Unless you want insomnia and tremors and stuff! Yeah!

Okay, finally, last one. So the most commonly abused prescription drugs are opoids for pain, central nervous system depressants for anxiety and insomnia, and stimulants for ADHD and narcolepsy. The opoids are hydrocodone (Vicodin…hey, that’s what House takes! House is addicted to prescription drugs! I bet he’d fail this health test), oxycodone (OxyCotin), proproxyphenene (Darvon), hydromorphone (Dilaudid), meperidine (Demerol), and diphenoxylate (lomotil). The depressants are pentobarbital sodium (Nembutal), diazepam (Valium) and alprazolam (Xanax…there’s a medicine called Xanax? I want it! That’s the coolest name ever!). The stimulants are dextroamphetamine (Dexedrine), methylphenidate (Ritalin and Concerta), and amphetamines (Adderall). The use by 12-17 year olds has increased 212 percent, which is not even a percent, according to my math teacher, so ha ha ha stupid health notebook! Most users get them from friends or relatives, teenagers get them from their parents, and some people fake an illness to try and get a prescription. And some injure themselves for painkillers. Okay, once I faked sick to get out of school, but for MEDICINE? Really? I hate medicine! Medicine’s gross!

[KATRINA CLARK]

Hey y’all, I’m Katrina Clark, and I ain’t none smart for all this book-school stuff and shit, so don’t be expecting none too good a study guide or nothin’ on account of it ain’t comin’ on my watch, anyways.

So the United States in 1781-1787’s all under this Articles of Confederation deal, where there’s a one house congress and ain’t no courts. There’s a buncha foreign problems on account of the states ain’t keepin’ the treaty of Paris, and an’t restoring no Loyalist Property or repayin’ no foreign debts. There’s a weak government, on account of it can’t stop British trade restrictions and military outposts in America. Then we got ourselves a bunch of economic weakness and interstate quarrels. Example: since we’re such stupid lampshade heads and don’t pay none of our war debts, nobody wants to trade with us. Well why the Sam Hill didn’t none of you American see that comin’, stupidheads? If ya ain’t gonna pay the money ya owe them, they ain’t gonna trade with you, idiots. Man, they shoulda just put me in charga this country, back in 1781. So anyways, then we got ourselves a little economic depression, on account of we still ain’t payin’ our danged war debts. And we got paper money that ain’t got no value to it, so we can’t levy no national taxes. And them state’s alls up and suspicious of each other cause they’s all competing for money. There’s some little shinnydig called a tariff on all interstate trade, which basic’ly makes it expensive as all heck to trade between the states. And none of ‘em know where the Sam Hill the boundaries are, so everyone’s all a’fightin’ about that. Seriously, them states’re all like the teenage girls I know, all their arguin’ and not bein’ able to agree on nothing. So George Washington has this Annapolis Convention, right, and it’s all up at Mt. Vernon with representatives from Virginia, Maryland, Delaware, and whichever that state was where that football coach just got all up with them little boys. They pretty much don’t do nothin’ at this here Mt. Vernon convention ‘cept decide that they were gonna have another later convention in Annaopolis. Course five states all get up to Annapolis and decide on another freakin’ meeting in Pennsylvania to revise them Articles of Confederation. Dang, these dudes really like them meetings. Must have lotsa good food or something.

So they all get to Philadelphia, right, except Rhode Island on account of Rhode Island’s a stinky face that wasn’t trustin’ of the other states, so they didn’t send no delegates. These meetings were all good ‘n secret too, ‘cause there ain’t no point to having a meeting ‘less it’s good and secret, least that’s what I say. George Washington was elected chairman or some such, and James Madison, Alexander Hamilton, Gouverneur Morris, and John Dickinson (daddy of the Constitution, ‘parrently) were all the leaders and suchlike.

Remember, we’re all teenage girls at these meetings, so there’s a bunch of disagreements. For example, some wanna just “revise” them Articles, while others wanna full out write a whole new Articles, every single word. Lotsa people distrust the government ‘cause they’re all paranoid little freakazoids, so they all wants some shindig called Checks and Balances in the new Constitution. There’s a whole thing ‘bout representation but they solve it eventually, on account of this little baby called the Great Compromise where there’s a two house Congress, so that all works out. Then there’s slavery and whether them slaves be all up and gettin’ representation or no such thing. So they come up with this little deal called the Three Fifths Compromise where each slave is three fifths of a person. Now that sorta silliness don’t make no sense to me, but they was probably all just old and crazy dudes who don’t had no sense. They also says that slaves can be imported for 20 years, and then they can abolish it. Then there’s this whole trade business here. The North wants regulations on interstate commerce and foreign trade, but the South didn’t want none of them taxes on their tobacco and rice exports. So there’s a Commercial Compromise where Congress can regulate interstate and foreign commerce but none of them exports. Personally I think them southerners shoulda just punched them stupid Northerners in the face good ‘n proper, but that’s just me.

Then there’s this whole President deal. So the President gets a whole big ton of power, such as vetoing Congress Acts. He gets a term of four years, which seems like a good ‘n proper long time to me, but apparently wasn’t even close to long at all for these crazy dickens here. Each state gets a number of electors equal to the number of representatives plus the number of senators, so two plus whatever, stupid slippers. The draft gets approved, then it gets all up and sent to the states and voted on by popularly elected conventions. And they need 9 out of 13, which is totally way more than a majority, stupid lampshade heads, but whatever.

So the two political parties are the Federalists and the Anti-Federalists. The Federalists are all likin’ this here Constitution idea on account of the United States all up and needing a strong central government. The Articles of Confederation were weak, and they was all thinkin’ that their opponents didn’t have the right solutions. Fair point, I suppose. George Washington, Ben Franklin, James Madison, and Alexander Hamilton was all their leaders. Also, the Constitution’s new, meaning it ain’t got no bill of rights. I always thought the Bill of Rights was all boring and confusing, so I don’t really know what the whole deal is ‘bout that. Then there’s the Anti-Federalists, who ain’t havin’ none of this Constitution business. These was all the small farmers from the Western frontier: George Mason and Patrick Henry from Virginia, James Winthrop and John Hancock from Massachusetts, and George Clinton from New York. They ain’t havin’ nothin’ to do with this strong central government business, sayin’ that it all up and destroys revolution, limits democracy, and restricts states rights, that the Constitution ain’t gonna protect none o’ their rights, and makes it just like a King what with giving it tons of power and all. But they’re all poorly organized and kinda stupid, so no one really listens to them.

Delaware, New Jersey, and Pennsylvania are all hipster and the first to ratify. The other states all up and throw a tantrum ‘cause they ain’t ratifying no Constitution if there ain’t no Bill of Rights. So the government finally sighs and says “okay, fine, Bill of Rights.” Then New Hampshire’s the last of the nine states. There’s this whole big thing in Virginia, on account of apparently it’s the most populous in the country, so George Mason and Patrick Henry are the big strong Anti-Federalist people, but Madison, Mason, and Marshall win by a close vote with the Bill of Rights. Then New York wins because Alexander Hamilton’s apparently the hottest kiddy since Justin Bieber and everyone in the entire New York State has to vote for whatever he votes for. Also, they’re all conformist n’ stuff, and they wanna be like Virginia. Then, of course, North Carolina and Rhode Island wanna be just like New York, so they reverse their previous rejections and ratify it.

So. Bill of Rights. The Bill of Rights people think it’s the only thing that can stop government from tyranny, which seems like a load of snufflepoop to me. The people who ain’t havin’ none o’ this Bill of Rights washy trash get all up in their faces, saying Congress gets elected by the people, so they don’t need no protection ‘gainst people they elect. They think it’s better to assume they’re all protected than to create a small little list. But they add it to stop the whiny little Bill of Rights people from not ratifying it and making them look totally uncool.

James Madison drafts the first ten amendments. The first one’s that one that all them peoples on Tumblr won’t shut the Sam Hill up about, sayin’ Congress can’t take away no freedom of religion, speech, press, assembly, or petition, and can’t be all favorin’ one religion over another. Second amendment says they gotta right to bear arms, third says you don’t gotta let creepy little British soldiers all up in your house, fourth says you can’t be all up in people’s property without reason, fifth says you gotta have due process of law, you don’t gotta testify against yourself, and you can’t be tried for the same crime twice. Sixth says you gotta have a speedy and public trial with witnesses and all that fancy business, seventh says you get a trial by jury when suing and suchlike, eighth says they ain’t havin’ no excessive bail, fines, cruel or unusal punishment, ninth basically says “well we got ourselves really bored writin’ all these here amendments, so you can just have all the other rights we forgot to put.” And tenth says that powers the federal government doesn’t have go directly to states or people.

Yo, Washington, this dude has a college named after him! Okay, so he’s elected in 1788 as the first President. He all up and organizes the Federal government: there’s the executive departments, where he picks Tommy Jeff as Secretary of State, Hamilton (other dude with college named after him) for Treasury, Henry Knox for war, and Edmund Randolph for attorney general. Then there’s the cabinet and all his advisors and suchlike. He also does the whole Federal Court System, where there’s the whole Judiciary Act of 1789 making a Supreme Court with 1 chief justice and 5 associate justices. They get to rule on whether or not state court decisions are in the constitution and suchlike. There’s 13 district courts and 3 circuit courts of appeal, which totally sounds like a court that like, travels around in a bus, just sayin’.

Then Hamilton comes all in sayin’ this whole financial program that we gotta do. He says we gotta pay off the national debt and have the government do the war debts and such so, we got protect the nation’s industries n’ put high taxes on imported goods, and we gotta have a National Bank for government funds and printing currency. All them Northerners are all up and ready to make out with this plan, but the Anti-Federalists ain’t havin’ nothin’ to do with it, on account of they think it’s making the states lose power, and that it’s benefiting the rich at the expense of the poor. Congress adopts all the plans, ‘cause like I said, Alexander freakin’ Hamilton suggested the plan, so they had to have it. Tommy Jeff does the whole debt thing and moves the capital to the South, in DC, which I guess helps the debt somehow. Then there’s the whole Tariffs and Excise Taxes thing, where there’s excise taxes on whiskey, and good riddance, cause whiskey’s all freakin’ disgusting, and other stuff, and the National Bank. Now, Tommy Jeff’s all like “The Constitution doesn’t say we can have a national bank, stupid melonhead”, but then Alexander Hamilton’s all “Oh, Constitution says Congress can have any power it freakin’ wants to, so there, stupid lampshade head.” And we all know that everyone wants Alex Hammy to like them, so Washington all votes it in and stuff.

So this whole French Revolution thing happens. Some people are all up and ready to marry the French, but others ain’t interested in the hysteria and executions. There’s a whole question of whether we’re allied with the monarchy or the people, which, okay, are y’all really all so stupid that you ain’t figured that out when you signed the contract? Christy misty. Tommy Jeff likes the Revolution. Also, ‘pparently Britain’s all up and takin’ all America’s ships, so he decides the U.S. had better join France if they wanna fight Britain, ‘cause fighting’s fun. Course, Washington ain’t havin’ nothin’ to do with this, so he pulls up this whole Proclamation of Neutrality thing in 1793, and Jefferson resigns, ‘cause neutrality’s way to boring for Tommy Jeff, ‘pparently.

Now we have this dude named “Citizen” Edmond Genet, the French Minister to the U.S., whatever the Sam Hill that means, who asks the American people to support the French. This is ‘pparently a really really bad thing for Ministers to the U.S. to do, so Washington’s all “You get yo punk ass outta my country, stupid mouse clicker” and Tommy Jeff, who’s ‘parrently still important, even though he totally just resigned, is all “okay”. And even the French are all like “Hey, you better come back to France, stupid little Genet head,” so you’d think the guy’d leave, ‘cept he’s obviously stupid as a little stupid bird, ‘cause he totally just stays in the U.S. and becomes a citizen n’ suchlike.

Now we have this lovely piece o’ work called the Jay Treaty where Washington sends John Jay to talk Britain outta searching and seizing American ships and impressing Americans into the navy. Now, ‘pparently John Jay’s some wicked good talker, ‘cause he all up and gets Britain to evacuate the frontier, though they don’t agree to nothin’ ‘bout seizing ships. It’s narrowly ratified, and lets us still be neutral in the French Revolution, which I guess is good, so yay!

Next up comes the Pickney Treaty, where Spain sees Britain and the US getting closer, so Pickney, the minister to Spain, goes over there and gets this whole treaty thing goin’. Spain opens the lower Mississippi River and New Orleans to trade and makes the Florida Boundary at the 31st parallel, which sounds like a good parallel. I’mma guess that Alexander Hamilton had somethin’ to do with it, ‘cause really? Everything so far has been because Alex Hammy did it. Just sayin’.

Oh, and the Native Americans are back. Seriously? These weird stupid lampshade heads’re in like, every chapter of this book causin’ trouble and suchlike. But our settlers’re all movin’ out into the Ohio Valley, and the Natives ain’t havin’ none o’ this moving business, so they up and get weapons from the British, and the British are poopyheads, so they’re all “Hey, wanna attack these toodly doofers for us?” and the Natives’re all like “Sure!” But they lose anyway on account of Anthony Wayne bein’ all awesome and defeating the Shawnee, Wynadot, and some other hiffalutin’ tribes at Battle of Fallen Timbers. Then comes the Treaty of Greenville, where the Natives give ‘em Ohio, though I totally woulda let ‘em have it, ‘cause Ohio’s a dumb state anyway.

Then there’s the Whisky Rebellion, this whole shindig where Pennsylvania farmers decide “We ain’t gon’ pay no more taxes on our whisky, ‘cause we can’t afford it.” So they attack all the tax collectors. Then George Washy all federalizes the militia, whatever the Sam Hill that means, and then, guess who, Alexander Hamilton freakin’ beats the Sam Hill outta that revolution. Maybe this is why everyone wants to be like him, Jesus, doesn’t get hurt or nothin’. Some people thought this was an improvement from Shays’ Rebellion, while others think it’s the most ridiculous thing they ever heard of (basically Tommy Jeff and those crazy Western people).

Hey, Public Land Act! This just encourages people to sell land, makes procedures for dividing and selling land, you know, the whole deal. Vermont’s the first new state, then Kentucky, then Tennessee, the BEST STATE EVER!!!!! Thank God for the Public Land Act!

Alright, political parties again. First off the people would form factions, vote together, then dissolve. But then everyone’s all up in arms ‘bout this whole ratification deal, so everyone makes parties. And then the Federalist Era comes. Guess who, Hamilton, is the leader of the Federalist party, while the Democratic Republicans all like Tommy Jeff cause they ain’t havin’ nothin’ to do with Hamilton’s special money plan. Basically, they were the non-beliebers. And then, course, the French Revolution all up and divides them. The Federalists are all from the Northeast, and they’re all crazy about givin’ the government more and more power. John Adams and Alex Hammy’re the two leaders, and they’re all ready to have loose interpretations of the Constitution, strong central government, and suchlike. They like the British, all about a large peacetime army and navy, government helping businesses, national bank, tariffs, large businessmen, and landowners, I mean, they’re Alex Hammy’s Beliebers, what’d you expect? The Democratic Republicans are all up in the South and West, and they all want states rights and less government. The leaders are Tommy Jeff and James Madison, and they basically want the Constitution to be their bible ‘cept with a weak central government. They like the French, small peacetime army and navy, agriculture, no national bank, no tariffs, workers, small farms, and plantations.

Conveniently, this is when Washington gets all lazy and decides to step out. He does this whole farewell address thing that’s all “America better not get involved in Europe, stupidheads. Also, no permanent alliances, no political parties, no sectionalism.” Also, all the other Presidents see his whole two term thing and they’re all “Oh hey, he did two terms, and everyone liked him. Maybe I’ll do two terms and everyone’ll like me!”

Then we got John Adams, so all the Federalists want him, and all the Democratic Republicans want Tommy Jeff. Adams wins by 3, making Tommy Jeff vice president, which seems like some stupidhead shenanigan teenage girl drama’s gonna god down there, but y’know. Then—oooh, this thing looks mighty cool—there’s this thingamabober called the XYZ affair. The French are all up and seizing our merchant ships still, so Adams sends this small little delegation. The French Ministers X, Y, and Z are all like “Ey, give us bribes or you ain’t getting’ none o’ your ships back” and the Americans are all “Nope”. So all the Americans want war with France, and also, Hamilton wants the French and Spanish lands, so naturally the whole country totally needs to fight ‘em now. Adams sends more ministers, but decides our army and navy just ain’t strong enough to fight them French stupidheads.

Then we got the Alien and Sedition Acts, that the Federalists pass to take advantage of Democratic Republicans. The Naturalization act says that you gotta be in the US for 14 years, not 5, to be a citizen, which seems freakin’ stupid to me, cause that really ain’t that many more years in the grand scheme of things, but whatever, guess I ain’t as special as Alexander Hamilton over here. The Alien Acts say the President can deport dangerous aliens in war, and the Seidition Act’s all about the newspapers not doin’ no criticizing of the President or Congress. Course, the Kentucky and Virginia Resolutions come along, and they’re all like “Nuuuhhhh Alien and Sedition Acts violate that there first Amendment, stupidheads, on account of they nullify laws in states. Course, then the Federalists get all weak and wussy so the Republicans repeal the stuff, and everyone just forgets about the whole deal. ‘Cept the Supreme Court, who divides up the whole power ‘n stuff.

Then the Election of 1800 happens and the Federalists are like, not cool at all. People are all hatin’ on them Alien And Sedition Acts, and course there’s all these weirdo taxes on account of the war with France, even though Adams doesn’t even want to go to war with France, but I guess it made sense to these people. Then this whole election deal comes back, and apparently Tommy Jeff and Aaron Burr tie, so there’s a super special election in the House, which the Federalists still control. Then, wouldn’t ya know, Hamilton, the coolest winky pink around, tells everyone to vote for Jefferson, ‘cause Aaron Burr’s the craziest crazyface you’d ever see. This showed the Constitution was all strong n’ stuff, and also a change from Federalist to Democratic Republican control.

[KATRINA CLARK]

Hey y'all, back for the rest of the Chapter! So there's a ton more little teenage girl drama n' stuff between the political parties in this last election, so Tommy Jeff needs a smooth transition to this new Republican Power shindig. So course, he all goes and tries to get the Feds to like him and stuff by being just like Alexander Hamilton (that's who we all wanna be like, 'member), and doin' the whole National Bank and Debt Repayment stuff. He does the whole Washington and Adams neutrality shindig cause that's cool, apparently. 'Cept he also wants the Republicans to like him 'cause he's a little weirdo who wants to be all popular, so he keeps the central government all limited n' stuff with less military, less jobs, no excise taxes (whatever the Sam Hill those things are), less national debt, and a whole entire Republican cabinet.

Okay, so the LA Purchase. It's a tonna West land with Missouri and Mississippi, n' New Orleans, which was Spanish, then French, 'cause apparently every country and its dog wants this city even though I don't see what's so cool about it, 'cause I went there once when I was five and this one baker had the grossest bread of all the breads I've ever seen. But we want Missouri on account of we wanna transport goods on the rivers. Course, this is when the Spanish all up and decide to close New Orleans to us, but then there's this whole Pickney Treaty thing in 1795 where they decide that "Just kidding! Y'all can use the port but ya still gotta pay taxes, losers!" And course, Tommy Jeff's still a little wuss who don't want no involvement in no European war, so he doesn't do no fighting or nothin'.

So the ministers to France all up 'n go to France n' stuff, and they're all "Ey, we'll give ya ten million for New Orleans", but France is all "Eh, we're a'fightin' a war and all so we'll give ya all Louisiana in its 'tirety for 15 million." Course, this gets back to Jefferson, and he's all "Nuhhh, Constitution doesn't say the President got any such land-buyin' powers!" So then he's all "Ey Senate, can y'all ratify this shindig?" And the senate's all "Yeah, kay." So the US gets twice as big, there ain't no more weirdo Europeans all up in our beeswax, we get all the land beyond the Mississippi, which is pointin' towards a future of more farm and less industry. Everyone freakin' loves Tommy Jeff at this point, and nobody likes the Federalists 'cause they're all stupid lampshadeheads.

Hey, I've heard of these dudes! So Lewis and Clark are all up from St. Louis to the Rockies to the Oregon coast and back. They get all the knowledge, which I ain't convinced about, 'cause I know ya don't need no knowledge when ya got intelligence like I have. But we also got Oregon, improved relations with them Natives, and maps n' stuff, which everyone likes, 'till GPS comes along n' just ruins all that. Stupid weirdo voice in a box.

Then John Marshall comes 'round, and he's a Federalist, n' he's also Tommy Jeff's cousin. He was like Adams' chief justice so I guess he gets to stay. But nobody liked this dude I guess on account of he was always strengthening the central government at the expense of the states, and Tommy Jeff's all not on board with this plan. Jeff's all "I don't want no Federalists bein' appointed for nothin'" so he goes up to Madison and he's all "Ey! I don't want you deliverin' none of Adams' stupidhead comissions!" And then this guy named Marbury's all "Ey! I want my comission! Gimme my comission!" And Marshall thinks he has the right to his comission on account of some judiciary act or somethin', but then they all decide that it's unconstitutional on account of it gives the courts too much power. So Marbury doesn't get no comissions. But everyone does get this shindig called Judicial Review where the Courts can decide whether Congress or Presidents' stuff ain't in the Constitution or no such. And it can overrule government actions, so.

Alright, moving on to judicial impeachments. Tommy Jeff gets rid of the Alien and Sedition Acts and releases all the prisoners. Then there's this one wacko judge that the House impeaches and the Senate removes, and also this other guy named Samuel Chase who the House impeaches but the Senate's all like "Eh, there ain't no evidence of high crimes or nonesuch." There ain't many impeachments that succeed, 'pparently.

Tommy Jeff gets all up n' reelected in 1804. But this time there's this dude named Aaron Burr who's not nominated for a second term of vice president, so he goes n' makes this whole Federalist conspiracy. He just up n' decides he's gonna go and be governor of New York and unite with New England, n' then just freakin' secede just 'cause. But 'course, Alexander Hamilton's running, and we all freakin' adore Alexander Hamilton, so he beats Burr. But then the two of them duel and Burr goes and kills him, so there's that shindig. There's a trial for treason, 'cause they all think Burr wanted to take Mexico and unite with Los Angeles. So Jefferson orders arrest, there's a trial under Marshall, and of course, we all know that Marshall freakin' loves anything remotely Federalist, so Burr's acquitted.

And then we got this whole thing with other countries. There's these Barbary Pirate fellows who Washington and Adams had paid tribute to. But now this ruler's got the nerve to up n' ask for a higher sum, and Tommy Jeff ain't havin' none o' this poop, so he sends the navy n' there's a little war 1801-1805. We don't win 'cause Tommy Jeff's a lampshadehead, but we get tons o' respect and protection of trading.

Neutrality gets complicated on account of Britain and France keep a'seizin' our ships and cargo. British are the dominant navy so they's all capturin' and impressing our soldiers like there ain't no tomorrow. Then there's this Chesapeake-Leopard Affair, where the Leopard fires on our Chesapeake and kills 3 Americans, impressing 4. The Americans are all "we want war right now, stupidhead government!" But Tommy Jeff's all "rawrrawr negotiation rawr rawr!" So then we got ourselves the Embargo Act of 1807, which is supposed to be an alternative to war or somethin'. But all it says is that Americans can't sail to no foreign ports, which don't make no goddang sense to me, but hey, I ain't Tommy Jeff. But it means that them British gotta stop violating our rights or they're gonna lose their trading partner. Course, the Britsh get a ton o' stuff from South America, so there's that. And then New England all up and wants to secede, so Tommy Jeff repeals it.

And now we got this Madison dude. He's all smarticle n' stuff, but apparently a really bad public speaker and not good politician. But he gets nominated by Tommy Jeff, so he wins. But 'cause of the whole Embargo thing, the Feds still get seats in Congress.

Oo, Commercial Warfare looks interesting. Madison attempts a combination of diplomacy and economic pressure and then just goes "nah, screw it" and takes that shit to war. There's the Nonintercourse Act of 1809, which says that Americans can trade with all but Britain and France 'cause they're poopheads. Then in 1810 there's Macon's Bill #2 sayin' that the US can trade with Britain and France, but they gotta respect neutrality. So Napoleon's all "sure, we'll revoke all thedecrees that violate y'alz rights," so Madison's all "Kay, let's trade with France, guiz." But the French take our ships anyway 'cause they're poopheads.

So up next we got this War of 1812 shindig. First of all, we think the European dudes don't give no shiz about our neutrality, but we like the French on account of Britain was all nasty during the French Revolution, and they overthrew a monarchy ust like us, and also, the British are impressing our seamen so we kinda just don't like them. Also, we want more land like British Canada n' South Florida, but 'course, the British, Natives, n' Spanish are all in the way. And there's all this Native stuff 'cause Tecumseh and Prophet wanna unite Mississippi River Eastern tribes, but William Henry Harrison, Iowa governor, ain't havin' none o' that unitin' business, so he destroys them n' stuff. And the British can't give 'em much aid on account of their all busy with America, so.

War hawks! These're all young dudes from Kentucky, Tenessee, and Ohio. And they all want war with Britain 'cause the wanna defend their honor, they want Canada, wanna destroy the Natives, n' other stuff. For example, Henry Clay from Kentucky, and John C. Calhoun from South Carolina. So the U.S. all declares war on Britain. 'Course, Britain already removed the naval blockade, but ya know.

So the nation's all divided, 'cause Pennsylvania and Vermont join the South and West cause they's all wantin' war. But New England, New Jersey, and New York're all party poopers who ain't havin' nothin' to do with it. Then in 1812 there's this election business where Madison defeats DeWitt Clinton, the Federalist.

Everyone's all a'callin' the war Mr. Madison's War. The New England Merchants ain't havin nothin' to do with it neither, cause they was a'makin' lotsa profit from the Euro Wars after Embargo was repealed, n' they really didn't care about Impressment at all. And they're all likin' the Britsh 'cause they're protestant more than the French 'cause they're Catholic, and no one likes Catholics so.

Then there's also these Federalist dudes, who're all "This war's just 'cause y'all want Canada and Florida, we ain't havin nothin' to do with no such thing" but no one really listens to them. And then there's the Quids who're all "Old Republicans", 'cause they all think the war violates the commitment to limited Federal Power and peace and stuff.

The military strategies in this shindig all depend on Napoleon's success in Europe and the US campaign in Canada, so that's kinda a problem, but whatevs. So we all up an' invade Canada, starting from Detroit, Nicaragua, and Lake Champlain. The British beat us, 'course, on account of us sucking at war 'n all, and our raiding and burning n' stuff in York (Toronto) made 'em really mad and wanna kill us.

In the Navy the Constitution (Old Ironsides) defeated all them British dudes off Nova Scotia, and we got a bunch of these Privateer dudes to capture British ships. Course this makes the British all mad so they blockade our coast, which means our trade and fishing n' stuff all goes in the toilet. Then there's a whole battle thing on Lake Eerie, and Oliver Hazard Perry wins that shindig, so yay. William Henry Harrison kills Tecumseh on the Thames near Detroit, and Thomas MacDonough wins on Lake Champlain, which makes the British all "Eh, how 'bout we don't invade New York n' New England, kay?"

Then there's the Chesapeake Campaign, so in 1814 Napoleon defeats the British, so he's all "Haha, I can focus on America, stupidheads." So the British all up and burn down the White House and Capitol, and then they try to take Baltimore, but Fort McHenry holds 'em, and then this one dude writes the Star Spangled Banner, so that's all good.

In the South in 1814 there's the Battle of Horseshoe Bend where Jackson kills all the Creeks, an important British ally, n' gets a tona lands for white settlers. Then in 1815 we defeat the British trying to control Mississippi. Course, this is all meaningless on account of the war already ended two weeks ago, but you know.

So then there's this whole Treaty of Ghent thing, where the British're all tired of war on account of they've been fighting Napoleon for ten years. And also, Madison suddenly realizes "Ey, we actually suck at war, y'know." So they come up with this treaty thing where they ain't gonna fight no more, and all the territory goes back to its previous owners, they revert the Canada Border, and no concessions or nothin'. So kinda like a stalemate. Oh, also, Hartford Convention. New England almost secedes during the war, so they all send delegates to this Convention shindig, 'cept they reject the secession 'cause you need a 2/3 vote to declare war, so guess they didn't get that.

So the war achieved none of Madison's goals. U.S. got some respect n' all, 'cause we survived two wars with Britain, so that's all good. Canada's still a part of the British Empire, and of course, nobody wants the Federalists anymore. The secession talk in England's a precedent for the South, who'll end up doin' it later,

[TUESDAY DAVENPORT]

Hey, uh, what’s up. So yeah, Era of Good Feelings. This is Monroe’s time, so I guess Monroe’s a pretty happy guy, right? Yeah, yeah, that would make sense. All the Federalists are gone, so there are just Republicans all over the place, which is actually a really scary thought when I think of it, so like, I’m not sure why a time when Republicans were in charge of everything was an Era of Good Feelings, unless Glenn Beck was the one who came up with the title, because…yeah. And also there’s a ton of debate over tariffs, the national bank, internal improvements, public land sales, and slavery.

So this James Monroe guy fought in the Revolutionary War at Valley Forge, and won against Rufus King. And he does this whole Cultural Nationalism thing where the younger generation’s all into Westward Expansion because they don’t really give a shit about Europe. And also there’s Economic Nationalism, like the Tariff of 1816, which Congress put on like, goods and stuff to protect manufacturers from ruin, which at first totally didn’t make sense to me at all, but actually, now that I think about it, seems like a really good idea. Because we have all these factories, right, that make a ton of stuff that we used to get from Britain until Britain was totally not cool, but now that it’s totally cool and hipster to like them, everyone’s afraid of British goods getting dumped on American markets. So it’s a “protective tariff”, which makes sense. And New England hates it, because they’re all nonconformist and everything, but everyone else likes it. Also, there’s Henry Clay’s American System, with more protective tariffs to promote manufacturing and also get money for transportation. And this benefits the East because I’m pretty sure they were still like, living in teepees in the West, right? So yeah, tariffs wouldn’t really help them, unless they were on like, teepee-building materials. Then there’s the National Bank, with a national currency that would benefit all sections, and Hamilton’s already expired like a million years ago, so, well, shit. Then there’s Internal Improvement, and I’m not really sure what that is, but it benefits the West and South, so. The first two were implemented, but Madison and Monroe were apparently way too cool for internal improvements, because the Constitution didn’t grant them the power to spend money on transportation or something.

Okay, so Panic of 1819. It was totally the Second National Bank’s fault, according to like, everyone in the world, because it tightened credit to control inflation. No clue what that means either, but apparently it started the Panic of 1819, so. All the state banks closed, money value went down, and there was a huge increase in unemployment, bankruptcy, and imprisonment. It’s worse in the West, where everyone’s in debt because of a bunch of land speculation after the War of 1812. So all the farmland gets foreclosed, which doesn’t sound like that much fun, I guess. So there goes all that nationalism and stuff. And the Westerners wanted reform, because they didn’t like the National Bank or debtors prison. Even though, wait, wasn’t the National Bank supposed to Benefit them? Oh, never, mind, that was Internal Improvement. Alright, that didn’t get passed. That makes sense. Okay.

Then we have some political changes, because the Federalist Party is a huge pussy and can’t adapt, and then there are a bunch of changes in the Republican party because they’re all adopting old Federalist policies like large army and navy and Hamilton’s second national bank, which totally doesn’t make any sense but whatever, guess I’m not a politician. And then apparently a bunch of these dudes switch beliefs? Like, Daniel Webster and John C. Calhoun? And then Monroe declines reelection, and everyone’s all squabbling over who the new candidate will be, so the Republican party all splits up and stuff.

So now there’s John Marshall, who’s Chief Justice of the Supreme Court, and apparently the only Federalist with any power anymore. In Fletcher v. Peck, he rules that states can’t invalidate contracts; Martin V. Hunter that Supreme Court is superior to state courts in conflict over constitutional rights; McCulloch v. Maryland that Federal government has implied power to create a bank, that the states can’t tax federal institutions, and that federal laws are supreme over state laws; Cohens v. Virginia that the Supreme Court can review a state court’s decision involving federal government powers, and Gibbons v. Ogden that the Federal government controls interstate commerce. So yeah, actually, he sounds pretty cool. Me and Marshall would be bros, I bet.

Western Settlement and the Missouri Compromise. Okay, so everyone wants to move West because we want all that land that the Native Americans are still living in teepees on. Harrison and Jackson, my bros from the next chapter, win a ton of battles that I guess get us more land. There’s a ton of economic pressure because of the Embargo and war in the Northeast, and also the people in the South are stupid and farmed all the soil, so now it’s like dead and can’t grow any more tobacco, so they all want farm land in the Alabama, Mississippi, and Arkansas. There’s a ton of new transportation with roads, canals, steamboats, and trains, and of course the land is all cheap in the Great Lakes, Ohio, Cumberland, and Mississippi, so all the immigrants want it.

I guess this probably isn’t an Era of Good Feelings anymore, because now there are all these “cheap money” state banks instead of the national bank, and cheap government land. There’s improved transportation, which, okay, hasn’t this chapter said that like twelve times now? Then Mississippi applied for statehood, and of course that starts this whole big thing about slavery, because if it were a slave state then I guess that would mean there was an extra slave state? Which doesn’t sound like that bad of a thing to me, but I guess it was. And also they don’t want the rest of the Louisiana purchase applying for statehood, because I guess they hate Louisiana in general. So then there’s the Tallmadge Amendment, which James Tallmadge proposes, obviously, which says that you can’t introduce anymore slaves into Missouri, and that slaves’ kids get emancipated at age 25. It gets defeated in the Senate, and then Clay comes in, and I guess Clay is cool, because he’s come up like seventeen times in this chapter. And he proposes that Missouri gets admitted as a slave state but Maine as a free state, and then the rest of the Louisiana territory also gets to be free. And that gets passed, and so now everyone in the country’s really confused.

In foreign affairs we get more aggressive and nationalistic after 1812. Hey, 1812, isn’t that that song or whatever? Nah, never mind. So this Decatur guy forces North Africa to let American use the Mediterranean for trading and stuff. In Canada there was this Rush-Bagot agreement thing in 1817 where they limited the Navy on the Great Lakes. And apparently the US and Canada border was the longest unfortified border in the world which I…guess is a good thing? Yay us and Canada? Yeah. Yay. And also there’s the Treaty of 1818 where we both get to fish of Newfoundland, and we get to share the Oregon Territory for the next 10 years, and the Louisiana Territory ends at the 49th parallel, and that’s the Western boundary.

Oh and Florida, which I guess is also a foreign country, apparently. Our troops occupied Florida during 1812, but Spain was a pretty bad governor, because it really wanted South America, for some weird reason. So the Seminoles and all the outlaws raid it. Then Jackson has this whole military campaign where he destroys a bunch of Seminole villages, hangs the chiefs, drives out the Spanish governor, and hangs British traders helping the Seminoles. So basically, he reenacts that Guillotine game that I had to play in history class that one time. This all evens out to the Florida Purchase Treaty of 1819. The Spanish are pretty much tired, at this point, I guess, and they’re really proud, and they don’t their territory seized by force and have all the other countries think they’re lame. And also South America is totally more important, somehow. So they give the U.S. Florida and Oregon for 5 million dollars and Texas.

After the fall of Napoleon the French monarchies are restored and there’s this whole movement against Democracy, so, glad that whole revolution thing was a good use of everyone’s time. And Spain and Italy also have monarchies, so we’re feeling kind of uncool. And also, Russia’s in Alaska and San Francisco. But we have a common interest with Britain, which is protecting the Americas from the rest of Europe, because we want to stay hipster and not have a monarchy. So the do the whole secret evil nemesis thing and distract Spain in Latin America. George Canning, the foreign secretary, maintains British trade with Latin America, and suggests an Anglo-American Joint Warning to Europe telling them not to intervene in South America. Okay, I’m totally lost right now, didn’t we like, get two whole states out of Spain being in South America? Well, whatever, I don’t even care anymore. So Monroe likes this idea, but Adams thinks they restrict us, and I totally don’t see how that would restrict us, but I guess I’m not that smart, so. He thinks that if the US acts alone then Britain can stand behind its policy, and that the European powers won’t risk South America, because the British will defeat them. So Adams doesn’t do the Joint Warning, I guess because he wants to be popular with Adams or something. And now the Monroe Doctrine comes out, which says that nobody in Europe can colonize the Americas anymore, because the United States doesn’t want Europe interfering. Everyone cheers for this, but then they forget it, because I guess nobody in Europe really wanted to colonize America anyway? And Canning’s annoyed about it, and Europe’s all angry but they’re all scared of the British Navy. So basically everyone in the world’s really annoyed but nobody does anything about it. Right? Yeah, I think I have it. Kind of. Maybe.

So this whole time the population doubled from 1800 to 1825, and then doubled again from 1825 to 1850. And I’m totally horrible at math, but that sounds like everyone had an average of two kids, right? Or every couple had an average of four, except then you have to count single people. But still. Lots of kids. So there’s a high birth rate, and oh, wait, I didn’t even think about immigrants. Yeah, immigrants from Great Britain and Germany were still coming. So the number of blacks and Natives grows, but their percentage of the population decreases, which is totally confusing, but…oh, wait, okay, I see. I got this. Alright.

Transportation. Alright, the Lancaster Turnpike connects Philadelphia with farmlands, which leads to more toll roads connecting major cities, because we all want to be conformists. The states block the government from spending money on internal improvements, which means that there are like, no roads connecting the states except for the National/Cumberland Road from Maryland to Illinois, which was apparently this whole complicated thing with different states paying for different segments. Then there are canals. There’s the Eerie Canal in New York, which links Western farms to Eastern cities. This inspired other states to build canals, and they connect a bunch of lakes and rivers east of the Mississippi. These lead to lower food prices, more immigrants to the West, and stronger economic ties. And that’s weird, because like, I don’t even know what a canal is. But maybe I’m just dumb or something. Oh, and steamboats. The most famous is the Clermont, which made an 1807 voyage up the Hudson River, and was invented by some dude named Robert Fulton. And now you get round-trip shipping…wait, why would you need round-trip shipping? Like, for a library book? Or what? Hm, that’s confusing. And then trains compete with canals, apparently, but they turn small towns like Cleveland, Cincinnati, Detroit, and Chicago into big cities.

By midcentury we had way better manufacturing than agriculture, and by the end of the century we were like, totally owning everyone in manufacturing. Like, in the world. Which is pretty awesome. There were a ton of inventions like Whitney’s cotton gin, and rifles for interchangeable parts which became a basis for mass production in factories. Wait, seriously? It took us this long to figure out interchangeable parts? I’m pretty sure I could’ve come up with that like, really quickly. I mean, it’s not like…well, never mind. In 1811 in New York, it’s way easier for businesses to incorporate and raise money with stock. This leads to lots of capital for factories, canals, and railroads, which do…all that good stuff I talked about up there.

And now we have a factory system, which is like, rad, I guess. Samuel Slater makes the first US factory, though he stole the ideas from Britain, but I guess that’s okay, because it got us money, so. New England was the top manufacturer because it had water power, which led to a maritime industry, leading to capital, leading to less farming and more labor. Banking and insurance also grew. But factories were competing for all the like, poor people with cheap land in the West, so they did this thing called the Lowell system where they recruited young women and housed them in dorms, kind of like Baum, right? Except without the teaching and the school stuff and the sports and…yeah, all that. They also used child labor and in the middle of the century, immigrants. Hey, not much different from today, minus the child labor, right?

Oh, and unions. Hey, I just saw a thing on CBS about these. They were old trade and craft unions from the 1790s. The workers all went to factories, and small shops couldn’t compete with mass production. But the factories had long hours, low pay, and bad conditions, and the Unions all wanted ten hour work days. But of course, the factories just got immigrants to replace them, so uh, that was a bummer, I guess. Also the states outlawed unions, so I guess, yeah, that would kind of be a problem. And the high unemployment leads to economic depression.

Commercial agriculture also gets big, and less for subsistence. There’s a lot of cheap land and easy credit, and the federal government makes the land cheap. Oh, and the states give farmers loans with low interest rates, because I guess we still totally love farmers. Well, actually, I guess it makes sense, because the farmers send their crops to the factories in the East. No worries.

We still have the cotton gin in the South, which makes cotton more profitable than tobacco and indigo. And then the…wait, what? Really? Cotton? Is that like, a thing that makes money? Like, cotton balls, sweaters cotton? Weird. Anyway, there’s a bunch of capital invested in slaves, and there’s new land in Alabama and Mississippi. Also, they all ship cotton overseas to British textile factories. Wait, do we like the British again? Sorry, it’s hard to keep track.

The market revolution means no more self-sufficient households, because there’s all interdependence and stuff. Women are starting to do the whole domestic service or teaching thing instead of working with their husbands, and also, the majority are single. Which seems weird given that the population increased so much but, eh, whatever. They’re gaining more control and arranged marriages are totally not a thing anymore, so that’s good, I guess. The gap between the very rich and very poor is increasing, but there’s social mobility between generations, and there’s definitely greater economic opportunity than Europe, which makes us happy, because…oh! Maybe Europe is like that really snobby guy, like who’s valedictorian and football captain and everything, who nobody really likes but everybody’s nice to because nobody wants to piss him off. Yeah, yeah, Britain’s like that. Okay, this makes more sense now. And slavery. Everyone thinks slavery will disappear, somehow, but this is totally not possible because the soil in Virginia and the Carolinas is exhausted and dead. And there’s a ban on slave importation. And the cotton industry is growing a ton, so there’s no way it can quietly end.



Alright, back for more! Okay, so now we’ve got all this sectionalism all over the place. The oldest was the North, which was made up of the Northeast, or New England and the Mid-Atlantic States, so basically all the democrats on the East coast, I think. And then there’s the Old Northwest, which is all the stuff between like, Ohio and Minnesota, I think. There’s a ton of transportation, farming, innovation, and all that stuff, but mostly agriculture. Except in the Northeast, which is apparently really industrial? Yeah, okay, that doesn’t make sense to me either. But I guess it’ll become clear or something. So there’s organized labor in the northeast to go up against low pay, long hours, and bad conditions, namely unions and political parties. The first party turns up in 1828, and yeah, I have no idea which party that was, but yeah. There were a bunch of strikes. So this thing called Commonwealth v. Hunt happened where they said that Unions are allowed to negotiate labor contracts with employers, and also gives industrial workers a ten hour day. So that’s like, 9 to 7, right? Or 6 to 4 or something? Yeah, that seems fair, actually. But they’re limited a lot, because there are a bunch of depressions and the businesses find it really easy to just like, get immigrants to replace them. And also I guess nobody really likes them, which…yeah, I mean, I guess I probably wouldn’t like them either, if I could only make employees work for 10 hours because of them. Between 1800 and 1850 the percentage of Americans living in cities increased from 5 to 15 percent, which totally doesn’t sound like that much to me at all, but you know. African Americans made up 1 percent of northerners but that 1 percent made up 50 percent of free blacks. There were way more white people than black people, in other words. They could have families and land, but couldn’t vote or have jobs. Which meant they couldn’t join unions, obviously, so they did this thing where they helped companies break up strikes, and were called “strikebreakers”, which sounds totally badass, but probably wasn’t at all.

Then we have the Northwest, which is all like, redneck agricultural and stuff. This was Indiana, Illinois, Michigan, Wisconsin, and Minnesota. It was created by this Northwest Ordinance of 1787 thing, which took territories from the original land and divided them into states. It was tied to other states because the Native Americans were basically gone at this point after we used military might and stuff to like, drive them out, and now there are canals and railroads leading to markets between the Great Lakes and the East Coast. They mostly produce corn and wheat, using new stuff like the John Deere steal plow, oh, yo, I have a hat that says John Deere, cool, and Cyrus McCormick’s mechanical reaper, and I totally don’t have a Cyrus McCormick hat but now I kind of want one. The crops get shipped to cities, are fed to animals, and get used to make whiskey and beer. There are also a lot of new cities from the transportation, which grows a ton after 1820, like Buffalo, Cleveland, Detroit and Chicago on the great lakes, and Cincinnati and St. Louis on the Great Lakes. They all get big from processing shipments and distributing goods to regions, I guess. Yeah, that sounds pretty important.

There’s a huge immigrant increase in 1832, which is like, the randomest year. In the 1830s-1850s 4 million people come from Europe because of inexpensive and quick ocean transportation, famine and revolution in Europe, and America’s reputation for economic opportunity and political freedom. The Irish are a big group who come because of potato famine, or if they don’t have any money, or if they get tired of farming. Oh, and they’re all Catholic, and the Protestants hate Catholics. So they all come over. They compete with all the black dudes for the same domestic work and labor because you know, none of these people get to have jobs, and for some reason they’re all in Boston, Philadelphia, and New York. Then there are the Germans, who come because they also have no money, and because apparently there were revolutions in Germany that failed, and so everyone in Germany thought they were lame. They mostly went to the Northwest looking for land, and they all supported public education and hated slavery. Oh, and the nativists. They were protestants who distrusted the Catholic Irish and Germans. They had a bunch of riots and made a bunch of groups like the Supreme Order of the Star Spangled Banner, the American Party, and the Know-Nothing Party.

Okay, and then finally the South. These are the slave states, along with Delaware, Maryland, Kentucky, and Missouri. They were big on Agriculture and produced tobacco, rice, sugarcane, but mostly cotton. Oh right, we had this discussion already. Okay, this is totally going to be review then. So this whole Cotton thing starts in South Carolina, and then Georgia catches on, and then Alabama, Mississippi, Louisiana, and Texas. By the 1850s, 2/3 of our exports are cotton, and that gives us a connection to Great Britain, who I guess we still like. There are some free African Americans there, and by 1860 there were 250,000. I’m not actually sure if that’s a lot or a few, but I guess it’s probably not that much, because it’s the South and all. Most of them were emancipated in the American Revolution, mulatto children emancipated by their fathers, or had bought their own freedom from wages for extra work. They can only own property in some cities, and can’t vote, but can get some jobs, and hey, that’s more jobs than the ones in the North can get, apparently. But in the South they have to show their free papers everywhere, which I didn’t read anything about in the north, so I guess it’s kind of a trade-off. Most of them stay in the South to be near their families, or because they consider the South their home. Or maybe they just didn’t like cold weather or something, I’m not sure.

White society had aristocratic planters at the top, which…is that like that Aristocats movie? Hmm, I’ll look that up later. They all owned like 100 slaves and 1000 acres of farm. They all dominated the Southern legislatures and favored large landowners in their decisions. Then there were farmers, who owned fewer than 20 slaves and several hundred acres of land. Then there were poor whites, who were ¾ of the Southern population. They were all like, hillbillies and poor white trash, and they all liked slavery because they liked the idea of being superior to someone. And that’s kind of weird, I think, because they actually were superior to the mountain people, though I guess that’s not too much to be proud of, because these people were like, freakin’ crazy. They lived on the frontier, in the Appalachians, and in the Ozarks, but were loyal to the union, because I guess they didn’t really have a reason to like slaves. New Orleans was the only major city down there, but there was also Atlanta, Charleston, Chattanooga, and Richmond.

Slavery was like, the Justin Bieber equivalent of the South, but cotton was also popular, so I guess cotton was like the Michael Buble. There was a whole Code of Chivalry thing too, where Gentlemen all had personal honor and paternalistic treatment of slaves and inferiors. The upper class all went to college, and Gentlement went to farming, law, ministry, or military, because I guess those were the only cool things that chivalrous people did those days. The lower class didn’t get school beyond the lower grades, and of course, they didn’t let the slaves read, because, you know. Revolts and all that. The Methodist and Baptist churches both supported slavery, so they gained membership during that whole thing, while the Unitarians, who were against slavery, and the Episcopalians and Catholics, who didn’t really care, all lost members.

And last but not least, we have that good old Wild West like in that one movie with that gay cowboy who looks like Jude Law but definitely isn’t, according to my brother. This one was changing all the time: in the 1600s it was everywhere not on the East Coast. In the 1700s it was anything across the Appalachians, and by the 1800s it was anywhere beyond the Mississippi, as far as California and Oregon. Of course, this all meant that the Native Americans got pushed Westward, but you know. In 1850 everyone East of the Mississippi was killed, emigrated, or forced to leave, kind of like in Avatar but without the blue people. And James Cameron’s, not the Last Airbender, because I totally haven’t seen that yet, so you’d better not give it away, guys, seriously. They all got to go hang out on the planes with horses that the Spanish had brought over. Some had villages and farmed, and others followed the buffalo around, like the Cheyenne and the Sioux.

On the frontier, the West represented a fresh start, new opportunity, and freedom for minorities. There were mountain men here too, because I guess those guys are just everywhere. The earliest had followed Lewis and Clark. The white settlers lived a lot like early colonists in log cabins, with the whole working hard, dying young, malnutrition, raids, la de da de da thing. Women worked as doctors, seamstresses, cooks, and farm assistants. They had a short lifespan too, because you know, childbirth and all that. There was a ton of environmental damage also, although I’m totally not like, vegan or anything, so you know, don’t go thinking that. But they totally didn’t understand the environmental risks: they cut down all the trees, exhausted the soils, and almost made beavers and buffalo go extinct. So. Al Gore would not have been happy, probably. Or wait, is that Clinton? Which is the one with the computer that…oh, never mind.

And now it’s the 1820s, and we have President Andrew Jackson, or…is that the guy on the ten? Or am I making that up? Wait, be right back. No, never mind, he’s on the twenty. Okay, anyway, his President-term-thingie was known as the Age of the Common Man, or the Era of Jacksonian Democracy. Everyone had informal manners and democratic attitudes, and there were these things called Hotels under the American Plan, where all the social classes sat together at tables and stuff. There was one class for all passengers in stagecoaches, steamboats, and trains, and everyone wore the same clothes. So it was like that Wall-E Movie without the robot, basically. There was also this whole equality voting thing. The principal of equality said that there was equal opportunity for white males, although no slaves and no blacks, and there was this thing with the Self-Made Man, though there were no self-made women.
The lower and middle classes were all voting now: the votes for President went up from 350,000 in 1824 to 2.4 million in 1840, or sevenfold in sixteen years. And I totally just did that in my head so suck on that, Miss. Membrino, you doubter. The decrease in state suffrage laws was the main reason, in addition to changes in political parties and campaign methods, improved education, and increases in newspaper circulation. There was basically universal male suffrage, especially in the new states Indiana, Illinois, and Missouri, which let white males vote and hold office. There were no religious or property qualifications, and other states all followed them, because I guess being hipster hasn’t become a thing yet. And then there were party nominating conventions. Before, candidates had been nominated by state legislatures, which were known as King Caucuses, and they were all secret and James Bond and stuff. But now they had these Nominating Conventions, where politicians and voters gathered to vote and nominate. I think they stole these from the Anti-Masons, but whatever. By 1832 everyone is electing the President by popular vote except for South Carolina, because they’re stupid. The electors are chosen by state legislatures.
There are political parties now too, which comes from campaigns being conducted on a national scale, brining a demand. There are also third parties who reach out to people who don’t care about politics, and they’re all like “hey, join us, we have cookies” and stuff. For example, there’s the Anti-Masonic Party, that’s made up of people who hate the Masons for some reason, and the Workingmen’s Party, and I have no idea what that is, so I don’t know, Wikipedia that or something. They have more elected offices, and more officers are elected than appointed, so that gives voters more of a voice, and makes everyone want to do it more, because people like power and stuff I guess. This leads to the birth of popular campaigning, where politics become entertainment. Candidates start doing like, actual cool stuff with parades, marching bands, rallies, free food, and cider for people who vote for them. Except they also get really nasty and like, yell at the people running against them for being bad people and stuff.
Jackson does this new thing called the Spoils System where he appoints federal jobs according to how well they campaign for the democratic party, instead of like, just appointing his friends or whatever. He fires all the non-democrats and replaces them with democrats, basically. People think the Spoils System promotes governmental corruption, but Jackson’s all “Nope, I’ll limit tenure to one term and then someone else will get appointed, so now it’s all democratic reform, because any man is as good as any other man and stuff yeah!” But this helps build the two party system, so, yay democrats!
So then Jackson goes up against Adams in the Election of 1824. The caucus system is all broken down, and four candidates from the same party are running: John Quincy Adams, Henry Clay, William Crawford, and Andrew Jackson. Jackson wins, but lacks a majority in the electoral college. And hey, isn’t that what happened to the global warming guy that was in that one South Park episode? Something like that. So the House of Representatives gets to pick from the top three, and Clay’s the most popular in the House, and he and John Quincy Adams are bros, so he gets them all to vote for John Quincy Adams. Adams appoints Clay Secretary of State, so of course Jackson’s all “corrupt bargain” and stuff.
So now John Quincy Adams is President. He asks Congress for a lot of money for internal improvements, aid manufacturing, a national university, and an astronomical observatory. And then Jackson’s all “That’s a waste of money, stupid,” so everyone gets all mad. He passes a new tariff law, which the manufacturers liked, but the Southerners named the “tariff of abominations.” So they must have really hated the manufacturers or something. Oh, so then we have this Revolution of 1828 thing, and Adams is up for reelection. Jackson’s party’s all “Ewww, no, don’t vote for Adams, his wife’s illegitimate, nyeh nyeh nyeh,” and then Adams’ party’s all “Ewwww don’t vote for Jackson, his wife’s an adulterer, nyeh, nyeh nyeh.” So everyone’s still all mad at each other so there are three times as many voters in this election as in the previous one. I guess Jackson’s people were a little more angry, because Jackson ends up winning everywhere west of the Appalachians, being this war hero and man of the Western Frontier dude.
So Jackson’s this whole symbol of the emerging working class and middle class and all that. Be was born in a frontier cabin, and then fought the Indians in the Battle of New Orleans. Of course, then he moved to Tennessee as a wealthy planter and slave owner, but I guess they just left that out of his campaign pamphlets and stuff. He got into a bunch of duels and grew a bunch of tobacco, and he was the first President with no college education, which is weird. He was like the representative dude of all people against the rich and privileged, and Jeffersonian, so he never spent any money ever. He vetoed 12 bills, including the use of federal money to construct Maysville Road. This was because that road was going to be in Kentucky, where Henry Clay is, and he still hates Henry Clay, I guess, so. His advisors are called the “Kitchen Cabinet” because he didn’t actually appoint them, but they basically ran everything he did.
I’m not really sure why this is in the book, but there’s this whole section about this weird Peggy Eaton thing. Jackson’s wife is the Secretary of War, but all the cabinet wives gossip about her, refuse to invite her to parties, and spread rumors. So Jackson’s all, “Cabinet, you’d all better accept her,” and of course, since we’re all thirteen years old, the cabinet and the vice President all resign. Martin van Buren is the only one who doesn’t resign, so he gets to be the new Vice President, so, yay.
So there are a bunch of citizens who want the Native Americans’ land, and Jackson wants them to like him, so he forces the Natives to resettle by 1835. He makes this thing called the Bureau of Indian Affairs in 1836 to help the resettled tribes, which is nice of him, I guess, though it would probably be nicer if he just like, I dunno, didn’t make them move or something. The Cherokee won’t leave Georgia, so they sue Georgia in Cherokee Nation v. Georgia in 1831, and the court rules that the Cherokee don’t have the right to sue. But then they sue again in 1832, I think, somehow, and they rule that the laws of Georgia don’t apply in Cherokee Territory. Jackson doesn’t really care whether or not Indians like him since they can’t vote for him or anything, so he sides with the states. In 1838 the Army forces them all out of Georgia on the Trail of Tears, where 4000 of them die, so I feel like that probably could have been handled better but you know.
Later in 1828 the South Carolina legislature declares the Tariff of Abominations (remember that thing that John Quincy Adams did?) unconstitutional. John C. Calhoun has this whole nullification theory that each state can decide whether or not it obeys a federal law, which sounds like it would kind of defeat the purpose of federal laws at all, but you know, I’m not a politician or anything, so. In 1830 there’s this debate between Daniel Webster and Robert Hayne about the federal union under the constitution. Jackson says that “our Federal Union must be preserved”, while Calhoun’s all “The Union, next to our liberties.” In 1828 there’s a convention in South Carolina where they all decide they’re going to nullify the tariffs of 1828 and 1832, so Jackson gets all mad and prepares for military action. He makes this proclamation saying that nullification and disunion equals treason, and then suggests that Congress lower the tariff, which they do, so South Carolina just kind of forgets about the whole thing. And now everyone laughs at the States’ Rights advocates who look all stupid.
Jackson also sides with Southerners against the abolitionist movement, which would make sense given that he like, owned slaves and everything. He stops antislavery literature from the mail, and refuses to let black people vote. Then there’s the Bank Veto. The Bank of the United States is privately owned but gets federal money and handles the economy, so kind of like a public school, I guess. The owner, Nicholas Biddle, is kind of a jerk, because the bank abuses its power and only cares about the rich, and also, is it just me, or does that name sound like totally an asshole name? Jackson likes Nick’s bank, but Clay hates it, and he manages to get a bank-recharter bill through Congress, which Jackson then vetoes. In the 1832 election everyone still likes Jackson, and he wins by a ¾ majority.
The two-party system is apparently still a big thing here. Jackson’s supporters are the Democrats, or like Jefferson’s dudes, while Clay’s are the Whigs, like the old Federalists. The democrats like local rule, limited government, free trade, and equal economic opportunity for white males. They also hate monopolies, the national bank, high tariffs, and high land prices. These are the Southerners, Westerners, small farmers, and urban workers. The Whigs are all obsessed with Clay’s American System (seriously, it’s like their Justin Bieber). They don’t like immigrants, and they’re New Englanders, Mid-Atlantic and upper Middle-Western, Protestants, and middle-class urban professionals.
In Jackson’s second term there are these things called Pet Banks. Jackson withdraws a ton of funds from the National Bank and transfers them to state banks, so the critics are all “rawr, pet banks!” He gets a lot of help from the secretary of the Treasury Roger Taney. Jackson’s financial policies and speculation in western lands bring more land and good price inflation. The Specie Circular said that all purchases of land had to be made in gold and silver. This made bank notes lose value which shoved land sales down, and then led to the panic of 1837.
In 1836 there’s another election, for which Jackson persuades the democrats to nominate his bro Martin van Buren. The Whigs nominate 3 candidates, but Van Buren takes 58 percent of the votes. In the Panic of 1837 the bans close their doors because of Jackson’s opposition to the rechartering of the Bank of the United States. The Whigs blame the Democrats’ laissez-faire economics, meaning little Federal involvement.
Then in 1840 the Whigs are in a strong position to beat van Buren and therefore all the democrats. The voters are all unhappy with the economy, while the Whigs are better organized. Their hero is William Henry “Tippecanoe” Harrison, so they nominate him, because he’s a cool guy. They bring out a ton of log cabins and parade them around, and pass out cider, buttons, and hats for voters. This was known, creatively, as the “Log Cabin and Hard Cider Campaign”, and I hope that “hard cider” doesn’t mean “alcoholic cider”, because that would be totally weird. They all call him “Martin van Ruin”, and depict him as an aristocrat with a taste for foreign wines. Harrison and John Tyler, the two Whig candidates, get 53% together. So they don’t win, but they do succeed in telling everyone “hey, yeah, we’re a party, you guys.” Of course, Harrison dies of pneumonia a month after his inauguration, and John Tyler, also known as “His Accidency”, is the first vice president ever to become President. Of course, he turns out to be kind of a dick too. He vetoes all the whigs’ national bank bills and favors southern, expansionist democrats from 1841-1845. The Jacksonian era ends with the Mexican War and increased focus on slavery.