Silence in the Library {Clarissa }

[BENNY MOORE]

Well, Benny could safely say that the dark rain could that seemed to follow him around wherever he went was in full swing on this grey, gloomy day in the city. Here he was, acting like some kind of hermit hiding in the library, having all sorts of mental breakdowns as he stood in an aisle towards the back of the library. Honestly, the only reason he was in here was because he knew it was the last place on earth he would ever run into Mackenzie. How pathetic was that? He was hiding from the one girl that was constantly on his mind and that he was constantly trying to be near.

To make the entire situation worse, it was one of those days whee his glasses had disappeared someplace and for the life of him he just couldn't find them. Everything just seemed a thousand times worse when he could hardly make out anything more than a few inches from his face. He was already starting to get a headache and sore eyes from having to squint at everything.

At the moment though, none of that mattered. The main thing on his mind, that was nagging at him and had just now come to a raging boil within him was the crippling realization that no matter what he did he would never be able to be with Mackenzie. it all made sense in a kind of sad way. Half the school thought he was gay anyway. She probably thought that there was no possibility of chemistry between them, and if he ever came out as straight to her, well, there would go their close friendship, wouldn't it? She would be too freaked out to continue being friends with him, and why on earth would she ever return those feelings for him? He wasn't anything special, and he CERTAINLY wasn't good enough to get her to break her vow of celibacy in order to maintain focus on her work.

All of a sudden it just seemed too much for him. He couldn't handle just standing there, pretending like everything was alright when really it felt like his entire world was being slowly peeled apart. Without really wanting to, he slowly collapsed to the floor, choking back on a pathetic sob. God, he couldn't burst out bawling here, in the public freaking library. That would really make people think he was gay, and then he would probably have to go back down to the school counselor and make up some kind of an explanation for the entire scene. No. He had to keep from crying.

Leaning against the bookshelf, he buried his head in his hands as he curled up into the smallest ball he could, hoping that it would all just pass, and before he knew it he would be back on his feet with a fake smile plastered on instead of whimpering on the floor like a kicked puppy.

[CLARISSA RAMONE]

Bashful had yet again ditched her. He was nowhere to be found, not in her mind or around any corner or right in front of her face. Clarissa absolutely hated when he disappeared on her like this. Where could he go, anyway? To some reincarnated characters meeting? As if. She doubted there were more of them out there. So what if he’d proved to her that there were? That was not the point. Clarissa heaved a heavy sigh and wished that she were capable of doing things without him. Ever since he’d arrived, she’d become rather dependant, which he continued to remind her was not the plan. Perhaps that was why he’d been disappearing on her so much lately. Oh well. It wasn’t helping. As if to prove this, she was at the school library today when she could instead of have been socializing or… something. Bashful certainly wouldn’t have wanted her to be here, browsing shelves aimlessly. Oh well. Maybe he shouldn’t been here to make sure she did no such thing.

Perhaps she should have thought more like Bashful because this was incredibly boring and she was sure he would’ve thought of something far more interesting than this. Absent mindedly taking a book from one of the shelves, Clarissa flipped through it as if to look busy while she continued down the aisle. It was something about the human psyche. Very boring. Not caring for once, Clarissa shoved the book back amongst some others and turned to go down another aisle. There was a boy in this one, browsing the books, and so she decided to skip it so as not to bother him. Heaven forbid she got dragged into some conversation on such an off day. It really was, though, she thought, turning into the next aisle. It was all gray and cloudy out. It was hardly spring time weather which sort of annoyed her, but she didn’t mind days such as this. If she had had a rough morning, perhaps it would’ve been worse. It was never a good thing when the weather reflected your mood.

Had it not been so quiet (it was a library), Clarissa probably wouldn’t have had what sounded like a muffled cry from the row over. Unable to help her curiosity, Clarissa walked around to peek over and see what it was she’d heard. The boy who had previously been standing was now curled up on the floor, leaning against the bookshelf. Oh dear… what to do? She didn’t really want to leave him there; she’d be guilty the rest of the day, wondering if he was alright. But what if he wanted to be left alone? … Well, she wouldn’t want to be left alone! With this in mind, Clarissa approached him, determine and somehow timid. She knelt beside him, tilting her head. “What’s wrong?”

[BENNY MOORE]

He hated times like this when his own self-consciousness was so crippling strong that he just had no choice but to break down. Sadly, this was not the first time he had simply tried to make himself disappear in public while the weight of his own faults dragged him down. He remembered once or twice in grade school when he had tried to explain his feelings to a school counselor, who had told him that writing his feelings down would make him feel better, and then patted him on the forehead and shuffled him back to class. 16 journals later, Benny still had yet to notice any medicinal effect to the determined inscription of his emotions, and all he was left with was a chronology of his horrible times as a child. It was truly one of the most pathetic things he had ever done. Now that he thought about it more clearly, he really ought to burn those blasted things, because all they were recording was the poor, unwanted angst of a young boy as he pined away for an unreachable girl. He was seeing everything so clearly now, curled up on the floor. It wasn't like anyone would ever want them, or even need to know his life story. The only person he knew who would even care in the slightest about anything he had ever done was Mackenzie, and they were certainly off liits for her. The rest of the world regarded him as nothing more than a speck of dust, unworthy of any attention.

“What’s wrong?”

Shit, he'd been spotted. Someone had seen him there, pathetically rolled up on the floor like an unwanted rug. He should get out. He should get away, back to his dorm where he could only pray his roommate wasn't lurking in wait. He leapt to his feet, trying to wipe away the remnants of tears from his face.

"No, I mean, nothing's wrong, I'm fine, everything's...."

He couldn't. he couldn't keep lying. If he spent his entire life lying to Mackenzie about his feelings, why the fuck should he lie to this girl he had never met before and probably would never see again? Couldn't he just let it out, let it out just for once? Hadn't he deserved that after years and years of keeping everything bottled up deep inside?

"No. No, I can't. Nothing's alright. It's all wrong. I'm just....I'm just a failure. I can't do anything right and I can't please anybody. Is that enough? Is that pathetic enough?"

[CLARISSA RAMONE]

He got to his feet so quickly, Clarissa had a wild thought that it’d all be some prank for a television show and they’d just wanted to see what poor girl would stop to find out what was wrong and… and it wasn’t a very good idea for a television show, actually. Staggering to her feet as well, Clarissa abandoned that thought as quickly as it’d come. He started to insist that everything was alright. For a short second, she was relieved. That meant she didn’t have to stick around and try to be reassuring and comforting. She could be good at it, especially when Bashful wasn’t around, but she was having an off day. This was only for a short second, though, and she felt very guilty after having such an idea.

Clarissa’s heart ached at his confession, more so than it had while watching any sad movie recently. Who was this poor boy and why didn’t she know him? Much less, why hadn’t she known him back before Bashful? They could’ve helped each other, especially because she’d felt pathetic and like a failure back then. It was motherly instinct that led to her opening her arms for a hug, should he need one. “I don’t know you, but I’m sure you aren’t a failure.” Clarissa gave him a stern look. Bashful had taught her that nobody was a failure or any of those other negative words they used on themselves.

Feeling rather impatient for it’d only been a few seconds, Clarissa initiated the hug. He was taller than her (most were) and this surely would’ve been awkward any other time. This time, though, she was quite sure he needed comforting and what was more comforting than a hug? “I find it un-failure-like that you had the courage to tell a complete stranger how you were really feeling.” Clarissa pulled back, giving him a small smile. “Do you want to talk about it? I’ve got all the time in the world.”

[BENNY MOORE]

Oh, God, what was wrong with him? Why would he do that? Why the fuck would he just tell some random stranger the fact that he felt like a waste of space and unworthy of any human attention? Why did she have to find him in the first place? Couldn't he just go back to crying and sobbing like a baby on the floor without worrying about what it would do to public opinion of him? What if this girl was just going to run out and tell everyone about how horribly awkward and hilarious it was that the freakish weird kid no one liked had been having a mental breakdown in the middle of the library? God, he would never be able to live down the rumors that were sure to spring from this horrible, awful scenario.

She was certainly just pitying him, trying to figure out when it would be best for her to leave the conversation and go tweet about how awful and pathetic he was, or facebook it, or text someone or SOMETHING. NO ONE would actually care about what was wrong with him. That was practically impossible, as Benny had learned from numerous experiences in his high school career. There was no such thing as a Good Samaritan. There was no such thing as someone who just wanted to be helpful and kind out of the pure goodness of their heart. They always saw him and couldn't help but laugh or mock.

Suddenly, he was being embraced. It was... well, it was NOT what he'd been expecting. He didn't know how to take it. Was this just another way of making fun of him? Was she taping some sort of a sign to his back? He WANTED to believe that it was something of malicious intent.... but he had to admit that it did feel reassuring and generally kind. Perhaps... perhaps she was the exception to the rule that most everybody was a terrible, awful person? Perhaps someone was finally being something other than awful to him!

"Th-thank you." he stammered as she pulled back. He didn't really know what to say. "People don't generally- I don't think anybody's ever-.... thank you." He could feel that he was blushing, and she probably could tell just how awkward and freakish he was at least by now, what with his not even being able to form a complete coherent sentence and having to babble like a mentally addled baby, but.... he was happy. Or at least, happier.

"I think I might be.... I mean, I don't want to bore you with the specifics- well, y'know, it's just-.... no, I'm fine. Really. You don't need to stick around with me or anything."

[CLARISSA RAMONE]

Had she crossed a line? Perhaps it was rude to hug somebody you had just met. Unless… well, there were some people that had ‘free hugs!’ t-shirts or signs. Those were probably the only exceptions to hugging strangers. Looking him over, Clarissa saw he had neither a t-shirt nor a sign saying so, though she’d known this from the beginning. And… why, he had very pretty eyes, didn’t he? They seemed to be blue when she first looked but there was also some grey. “Your eye color is very interesting,” she said without thinking, tilting her head and watching him closely. That wasn’t rude, was it? Especially in such a situation? She smiled a little, “in a good way, of course.”

Clarissa nodded, glad to have made some sort of impact, no matter how small. As it were, nobody had ever showed him the kind of kindness she was right now. It made her kind of sad but what good was she if she was also upset? You couldn’t give very good cheering up advice if you weren’t in the right mood. “Any time.” Clarissa paused, wondering if she wanted to go further with that. Did she want to say that she meant it? She was perfectly okay with him seeking her out any other time he needed some support. “I mean that, by the way.” She finally added, giving him a half-sincere, half-serious look. Clarissa would’ve loved to have somebody always be there for her (not including Bashful, he didn’t count); especially since Becky was off at Barrie now. She sometimes really missed her roommate, no matter how… crazy she had been.

Clarissa shook her head. “I was already bored when I came over. You couldn’t possibly bore me with anything, especially after aimless wandering through the library.” Clarissa smiled encouragingly. It was true. There was nothing that could bore her at this point. Besides, she was already involved. She couldn’t just leave now. Clarissa was 99% sure that he wasn’t fine, but she’d leave if he really wanted her to. She’d just try one more thing and if he insisted, again, that he was fine… maybe she’d leave. “Well, what if I want to stick around with you?” She asked, tilting her head.

[BENNY MOORE]

Benny honestly didn't know why he had to be such an emotional rollercoaster each and every day of his life. It was stressful, to be honest. The whole not being sure of how he felt at any moment or when he was going to break down in tears alone in an open aisle in the library was nothing but worrisome. He wished that there was some magical switch inside his brain which could turn off all his feelings, because he honestly didn't want them anymore. They were just too much for him. He was sure that there had to be some people that had shortages of feelings or something that he could give his surplus away to, because this was nothing if not ridiculous. He could honestly understand why people thought he was girly. Normal, macho guys just weren't supposed to behave like this. They were supposed to be able to take things like a man and face each situation with stony seriousness. Benny was as pathetic as a beached jellyfish. He couldn't be stony and serious even though he desperately wanted to. He was a creature that was enslaved by its own emotions.

"Oh... um.... thank you." he stammered, unsure how he was supposed to react to the whole eyes comment. He felt like that HAD to be proof that this was all a joke on him. Maybe she didn't mean that she liked his eyes at all. Maybe she was being sarcastic and he was just really bad at telling the difference. Maybe she really was making fun of the way he was sure his eyes were so red from all the crying. Maybe she just wanted to see how he would react so she could tell all her friends that he was such a freak that liked her and then there would be a rumor that he liked this stranger and Mackenzie would hear it and then they would never ever be together ever.

He had to admit, though, she certainly seemed nice enough. He wasn't sure that she was all that bad after all. Maybe she really was just concerned about some kid who was crying in the library? It seemed logical for people to be slightly worried. It was far from normal behavior for a supposedly grown man.

"Well, I mean, I guess if you really want to stick around then that would be okay?" He honestly had no idea what to do in this situation. He was so used to living in a world where he viewed pretty much everyone else as a scary, angry, mean bitch who wanted him dead for being so weird and the only person in the world that really accepted him was Mackenzie. This was ruining his whole world view. "I mean, the thing is, most people really don't ever want to. Like I said, I really wouldn't be offended or anything. I'm sure you have more important things to do and stuff."

He started twiddling his thumbs, kind of really wishing that she WOULD leave so that he could leave this whole awkward situation behind. Why oh why couldn't he just get back to the safety of his dorm room? "I mean, really, I'm totally fine. It's just....like, there's this girl, y'know?" Oh god, oh god oh god, WHY was he telling her this? She was probably just going to make fun of him and make him even MORE freaked out.

[CLARISSA RAMONE]

Clarissa nodded, a silent you’re welcome. It seemed like he hadn’t taken the compliment seriously. Then again, she had just caught him completely off guard at probably the worst of times. She wondered how it would’ve worked if anybody else had found him. She hadn’t had many good interactions with students at Baum; something about it being a private school seemed to make them rude. Or maybe teenagers were just naturally mean. … Okay, that was a bit judgmental. Clarissa glanced at the bookshelf beside her, wondering briefly what aisle they were in. Maybe she’d find an interesting read…

He sounded unsure. ... He. She hadn’t gotten his name. “I’m Clarissa.” If she was going to stick around, then they at least had to be on a first name basis. “And you don’t sound so positive. I can go if you want to be alone…” Her brows were raised just a bit. She herself was pretty positive that he didn’t wanted to be alone. Despite never wanting company when she was upset, she figured most people would want the distraction of another person. It didn’t make much sense but then again, what in her life did make sense?

She laughed a bit. “I’m definitely not like most people.” That was was almost a knee slapper. Even before Bashful, she hadn’t been like most teenagers and she certainly wasn’t now. Clarissa shook her head. “As previously stated, I was aimlessly wandering the library before.” Even if she had come here with some sort of intent, she had nothing to do afterwards. It was a very boring cloudy day and she didn’t have any plans. She was perfectly alright getting to know this boy and it wouldn’t hurt to find out why he had been crying though that wasn’t a priority (mostly because he probably didn’t want to talk about).

However, that was out the window with his next comment. That was sort of an inadvertent way of talking about it, wasn’t it? Well, he’d brought it up, anyway. “Oh?” Interesting. Was she allowed to ask about it? Okay, she would ask about it. But she probably should be careful about it. “What’s she like?” Clarissa really was rather curious. What could it have been about this girl that led to him crying in the library? She almost wanted to find this girl and scold her for it but she dismissed that quickly; it wasn’t fair to assume it had been the girl’s fault. She didn’t know a thing, anyway.

notes; BECKET OHMYGOD I AM SO SORRY THAT THIS TOOK ME FOREVER TO WRITE