Post by RIPLEY "TRAMP" GWYNN on Aug 20, 2011 4:05:09 GMT -5
FIRST AND FOREMOST. THIS MOVIE CONTAINS GRAPHIC SEX SCENES, AND COARSE LANGAUGE. MY REVIEW IS MEANT TO BE HUMOROUS, BUT ALSO CONTAINS REFERENCES TO THE SEXUAL CONTENT. I HAVE DONE MY BEST TO MAKE IT LESS VULGAR...BUT STILL.
Watch it if you dare, but let me warn you. If your parents walk in while you're watching this--they WILL assume you're watching porn.
Okay, so. Olley is watching Kaboom, right? And at first it seems like a good idea, cause Juno Temple is in it. And I’m totes in a Tramp kinda rampage right now. I look up the Wikipedia, and apparently it’s some science fiction story about some sort of sexual awakening of a bunch of college students. There’s more triangles and subplots than all of OUAC combined. Either way. I got for it.
It opens with Homeboy having a weird ass dream where he’s talking down a hall, and these bitches are pointing down. The first three are like, his mom, best friend, and roommate. Two other bitches, he don’t know em.
Not five fucking minutes in, is homeboy having a homo erotic fantasy about his naked ass Roomie (blonde, surfer dude, dumb as bricks). Homeboy—(what’s his name again?) the next day is complaining to Vagitarian (What’s her name again?) that he thinks his roommate if gay because he practices hygenie and color-codes his flipflops. Go figure.
Vagitarian then invites Homeboy to a party where she hooks up with this chick Lorelai(We'll call her LesbiWitch). Who’s a witch. Who’s one of the unknown bitches from his dream. Vagitarian and LesbiWitch wander off. Homeboy eats a roofied cookie. Redhead pukes on his shoe—OH SHIT, SHE’S THE OTHER UNNAMED BITCH. Homeboy gets checked out by a dude.
Homeboy goes to the bathroom to wash off shoe.
London, Juno Temple, gets all pissy(EH EH EH) cause she needs to take a whiz. He lets her in, and she pisses in an open stall, questioning his sexuality. He makes her wash her hands, and she decides to fuck him cause she thinks he’s gay. Go figure. His drugged up ass gets dragged back to her place where they do it. Just at the same time LesbiWitch is giving Vagitarian road head. Go figure.
Homeboy and London have a discussion that Homeboy likes to make other chicks finish off. London’s not having that. Sex again.
Cut to LesbiWitch and Vagitarian going at it at whoever’s house. LesbiWitch totes denies Vagitarian the good, and uses her witchley powers of sex. Whatevs, NBD.
Cut back to Homeboy and London. They finish, and London is all, ‘kay night’ and he’s all, ‘yay, cuddles!’ and she’s all ‘Gimme your number, THEN GTFO’. So as he’s doing the walk of shame, random ass redhead runs up screaming in her skivvies that someone’s going to get her, and puts something in his pocket.
Homeboy and VictoriaSecret go bolting through some random park or something?
Bitch trips, as bitches do. And she drags Homeboy down with her. What a bitch! THEN PEOPLE IN ANIMAL MASKS. WE GOT TONY THE TIGER, LAMBCHOP THE LAMB, AND THE BIG BAD MUTHAFUCKIN WOLF. And they like grab her. And stab her in the forehead?
Dude blacks out, and is complaining yet again to Vagitarian about his weird shit. She tells him her lay last night was a witch. Of course, NBD. He goes to his dorm after a long day of classes(?) and checks out his half naked roommate who is asleep. Then remembers the shit in his pocket, and it’s some BAD ASS LOOKIN USB THING. He puts it in his computer, and it’s a video of animal masks, yet again.
And it’s cutting between Homeboy and the video. THAT’S WHEN YOU NOTICE THERE IS SOMEONE BEHIND HOMEBOY. HOMEBOY, LOOK THE FUCK OUT! Homeboy gets chloroformed. Only to wake up in his own bed, with the USB thng gone. Worse date ever.
Homeboy is determined to find VictoriaSecret (Who puked on his shoe, previously, I believe). So he goes through the student directory. FINDS THE BITCH. Homeboy flips his shit, and calls every god damn O’Hara in the phonebook. We are currently about 23 minutes in. So far, about 15 minutes without sex. DO WE POSSIBLY HAVE A PLOT GOING?
Oh, no. What a lie. London calls. She’s stressed about a test. What does she want? Go figure. IN THE MIDDLE OF THE GOD DAMN DAY. Luckily, we don’t see sex, but the after cuddle. If
London wasn’t such a tart, they’d be a cute couple. He thinks so too, cause he goes on some ‘I FEEL CONNECTED’ spiel, and she’s all ‘Aww, that’s cute. Me too. But dueces’.
OH SHIT, LONDON FINDS THE PAPER OF VICTORIASECRET, AND SHE FUCKING KNOWS HER. Says VictoriaSecret collapsed in class. Not surprising. So far, I realize people in this movie are stoned, or fucking. Good lord. Homeboy tells London he saw the chick get murdered by dudes in animal masks.
LONDON IS ALL WTF YO. Bitch knows something, but dumbass roommate has to come and bust up the party. For once,
Homeboy does not have a woody for his roomie.
Btw, I need to transcript this perfect, because this is a tramp line perfectly.
Roomate: Where you boning?
London: ….I was just leaving. –to Homeboy- I’ll call you.
Roomate: -blocking the door- …Heeeyy.
London: Heeyyy….could you move your fat ass out of the way?
Of course. Plot was here, then it was gone. Lesbian after cuddles. Vagitarian says they’ve been doing it for five hours. Oh jesus. LesbiWitch is some kind of nympho. Vagitarian says no sex, she’s tired. LESBIWITCH USES SOME SCARY AS FUCK MONSTER SKULL THING AND SCARES THE FUCK OUT OF VAGITARIAN INTO HAVING SEX WITH HER. WHAT THE HELL.
Come on movie. Pick a direction, and go with it. Just. Please.
Vagitarian calls Homeboy for help in the bathroom, and LesbiWitch comes in, and Vagitarian is all, ‘Ugh, g2g Homie” AND OH SHIT, ANIMAL MASKS ARE AFTER HOMEBOY AGAIN. But he gets away after screaming like a little girl. And has officially shit himself, as he is now speaking in soprano. Then he looks out his window, and what does he see?
Tony the Tiger, Lambchop, and the Big Bad Muthafuckin Wolf.
That was enough to make ME freaked out. Either this movie is making me prudishly uncomfortable with it’s slaggy ways, or it’s completely scaring me into next week.
Vagitarian comes over, and she is finally taking Homeboy serious when he says something fucked up is going on. London just walks the fuck in. Go figure. London says as she was studying, she saw a newspaper about a headless body found in a dumpster(SAME DUMPSTER HE WAS DREAMING ABOUT). WHO IS DUNDUNDUN…Victoria Secret. Bitch got killed.
So Homeboy goes to a nude beach to clear his mind. Yes boys and girls. He goes to land of Vienna sausages, pootang, and tattybojangles to “clear his mind”. Of course. Random muscular hot dude. Great. Gay sex on the beach.
Vagitarian is getting progressively freaked out by psycho, witchy, scary girlfriend. Admittedly, LesbiWitch reminds me of Iceland.
Later that night, Homeboy receives an Anon by cute dude who was checking him out at the party. Aww, he’s a social retard. Invites him out to coffee. OH GEE, HIS NAME IS OLIVER. Great.
Cut back to Vagitarian. Who is now getting abused and beaten up via LesbiWitch’s voodoo doll. HAHA, JK IT WAS A NIGHTMARE.
London and Homeboy have lunch. London torments Homeboy by bringing over another gay crush. Either she’s gonna hook them up, or there’s going to be another slutfest. She randomly asks to Rex to shag. He coughs up his sandwich, AND THEY ZOOM IN ON THE BIT HE COUGHED UP. IRRELIVANT.
Great. Sex scene with London and Rex. WHICH IS QUITE GRAPHIC. JESUS CHRIST, CENSORSHIP PLEASE. MY SUDDENLY PRUDEISH EYES CANT TAKE THIS. Oh look. London gives sex lesson 101. What was that sound? That was the sound of the plot flying out the window. London goes back to Homeboy’s dorm. Roomate comes n and is acting weird.
I think the plot is now peeking in again.
Homeboy gets an alert. Someone stole dead bitch’s torso. WTF.
Vagitarian dumps LesbiWitch. Shit gets scary.
Homeboy answers a booty call to GayBeach. But he’s wankin it to gay porn. Movie, just….movie. –shakes head-
Turns out booty call was a bust. GayBeach is married. OH DAMN.
Another booty call from London. Turns out she’s into kink. MOVIE, PLOT PLEASE. PLOT. PLEASE.
But what’s this? Homeboy is blindfolded. AND LONDON HAS SOMEHOW CONVINCED REX TO PARTICIPATE. MOVIE. PLEASE, ANY DAY NOW IS A GOOD DAY FOR PLOT. As bizarre as this is, and it could be the sappy cute soundtrack. But that was awfully sweet of London. Sorta.
Homeboy goes to a concert with Vagitarian. Runs into Oliver. Oliver says, and I quote, “Eat shit and kill yourself”. A bit dramatic, due to Homeboy’s email never having arrived, offering to take the dude out. Geez, homopissy. They make a date for dinner. Now. I predict either Oliver is gonna get killed, or Homeboy is gonna be too busy bangin, and forget his date.
Homeboy and Vagitarian stop at a gas station. I predict shit is gonna hit the fan. Of course. Weird goth crew is giving Homeboy the stink eye. Homeboy is pissing. And notices limp hand under the stall. GUESS WHO FOUND THE BOOODDYYY.
Only it’s not a body. It’s VictoriaSecret. And she’s alive. And she jumps awake, scaring the fuck out of me and Homeboy. She knows about the men in masks, and tries to bail. But he begs her, and she dishes.
Turns out she had a twin sister, and when they were little, the men in animal masks came and took her away.
Turns out LesbiWitch chilled out on the psycho calls. Vagitarian and Homeboy enjoy birthday donuts, ONLY VAGITARIAN’S IS FILED WITH MAGGOTS AND ENTRILS, WTF.
LesbiWitch possessed Homeboy. God dammit. Broken glass out of nowhere shatters, Homeboy snaps out of it. Vagitarian picks up the ball which says ‘Till Death Do Us Part’. For some reason, this is reminding me of every girlfriend that I ever had.
Homeboy wakes up in the middle of the night, and gets an ominous IM. He clicks a link given to him, and is all ‘holy shit’. But THEY DON’T SHOW IT. YAY PLOT.
Turns out the site is about a cult. When he tries to tell Vagitarian about it—the history is completely gone. Turns out VictoriaSecret’s twin sister is one of the ostracized members. Oh snap. Twinny did a bunch of stuff to speak out, and her penalty was death. Oooohhhhhfuck. So the chick he was running with on campus, wasn't VictoriaSecret, but actually the Twin!
It showed a picture of the leader. AND THE LEADER LOOKS LIKE HOMEBOY’S SUPPOSIBLY DEAD FATHER.
Vagitarian sums it up with a “…whatthefuckareyoutalkingabout.”
Oh great. Now Homeboy’s mom is getting in on the whole sex action with her trainer. Movie was going good, then BAM. Lost. YAY. HOMEBOY COCKBLOCKS WITH QUESTIONS ABOUT HIS DAD.
Mom shuts him down, tells him to stop asking question. The bitch knows something.
Homeboy has a dream of his dad, and his dad drops a certain book. The next day he sees London reading the same book. London knows all about the cult, and explains to Homeboy. Turns out her dad wasn’t an alchie, but was in the cult. Yay plot, how I missed you!
As they are discussing this, Messiah, their stoner RA walks in stumbling with a crown of thorns on his head, bleeding. And collapses. This had better be good. Apparently “the end is near”. How cliché.
Cut back to Vagitarian brushing her teeth. I sense some spooky LesbiWitch shit is about to go down. I hope Vagitarian doesn’t die. I quite like her. OH SHIT. LESBIWITCH IS CHOKING HER, TRYING TO KILL HER. Water gets on her, and she freaks. Vagitarian sprays water. Bitch collapses. Then disappears.
Homeboy gets a frantic call from his mom saying to come home. He and Vagitarian roll out.
Homeboy gets a call from London, and Messiah disappeared. He had dioxin in his system, like the Russian spy dude. He was poisoned. YAY, PLOT.
Homeboy arrives at the house, and is looking for his mom who is gone. Then gets attacked by a guy in a pig mask. We’ll call him Porky. Homeboy rips the mask off. IT’S MOM’S TRAINER. Vagitarian to the rescue. She bashes him over the head with glass. FUCK YEAH!
He finds out al this information on his mom’s blackberry. She’s been kidnapped. He’s telling London that there’s incriminating evidence, and everyone’s in on it. And that there’s a list of his father’s children. HAHA, GUESS WHAT. LONDON’S HIS HALF SISTER.
LESBIANS? CHECK! GAY MEN? CHECK! MILF? CHECK! INCEST? YOU BET YER BOTTOM DOLLAR!
Oh shit, now I notice there’s someone behind London. DAMMIT. CHLOROFORMED BY TONY THE TIGER.
Homeboy and Vagitarian split up to pack. They’re skipping town, cause everyone’s getting kidnapped. I think the Roomie knows something, and something’s gonna happen to Vagitarian.
There’s banging around in his closet, he opens it. It’s his mom ducttaped in there. AND SOMEONE BEHIND HOMEBOY.
Oh my fucking god. Okay, so they grab Homeboy, and toss him in a van with Mom and London, then they take off their masks.
God fuckking dammit.
THERE ARE SERIOUS SPOILERS BELOW. IF YOU WANT TO READ THEM, GO FOR IT. IF YOU WANT TO SAVE THE SURPRISE FOR YOURSELF, GO WATCH THE MOVIE.
It’s GayBeach, Roomie, and Rex.
Vagitarian goes to check on Homeboy, he’s gome. Messiah shows up, and is not kidnapped, or high. Gawdamn Movie. Turns out Messiah has NEVER SMOKED WEED. And he kinda has Jesus hair and beard. OH MY GOD IS HE FUCKING JESUS?!?!
Oh, jk. He’s part of the resistance. AND SO IS OLIVER, HOW CUTE!
So apparently. All this sex and banging was totally relevant. I feel somewhat better about it now.
Turns out Messiah’s girlfriend is VictoriaSecret’s Twin(The one that was killed)!!!!! O__O
Turns out Oliver is a witch too! But a good one, apparently. The cult looks for “gifted” youngins. Turns out LesbiWitch was also one of these kids, but she came out fucked up. Apparently they have nuclear war planned, and Homeboy is supposed to bring this about when he turns 19. Holy shit, Movie.
Roomie decides London and Mom can get some air, and he taunts London and takes her tape off. She headbutts him, and gets him with pepperspray. FUCKYEAH! London proceeds to kick Roomie and Rex’s ass. Then side-by-side car gun shootout with an AMAZING track plays in the background.
They go STRAIGHT FOR AN OUTED BRIDGE. Then it cuts off with Homeboy’s look of horror. Then Creeper Dad’s face shows up. Then Creeper Dad is staring at a red button which will release the nuclear bombs. He hits it and the world explodes.
I’m not fucking kidding. That’s the end of the movie.
What the fuck did I just watch? Movie you…I…what? YOU WERE ALMOST GOOD! WHAT JUST HAPPENED, I DON’T EVEN. WHAT. Wat.
TL;DR
……..If you need a mindfuck while you’re stoned off your ass, watch it. Other wise. Save yourself some brain pain.
At first the movie seems like a soft core pornography, and is a bit hard to watch. The plot peeks through, then runs back out the window. However, towards the end of the movie, the plot ties together, and all the sex in the beginning is actually relevant. However, the end of the movie is a bit “what the fuck” sort of moment. And I really. Honestly sat here. Staring. Confused. I…
I thought Suckerpunch, and Butterfly Effect were mind fucks. But I was dreadfully mistaken.
Watch it if you dare, but let me warn you. If your parents walk in while you're watching this--they WILL assume you're watching porn.
Okay, so. Olley is watching Kaboom, right? And at first it seems like a good idea, cause Juno Temple is in it. And I’m totes in a Tramp kinda rampage right now. I look up the Wikipedia, and apparently it’s some science fiction story about some sort of sexual awakening of a bunch of college students. There’s more triangles and subplots than all of OUAC combined. Either way. I got for it.
It opens with Homeboy having a weird ass dream where he’s talking down a hall, and these bitches are pointing down. The first three are like, his mom, best friend, and roommate. Two other bitches, he don’t know em.
Not five fucking minutes in, is homeboy having a homo erotic fantasy about his naked ass Roomie (blonde, surfer dude, dumb as bricks). Homeboy—(what’s his name again?) the next day is complaining to Vagitarian (What’s her name again?) that he thinks his roommate if gay because he practices hygenie and color-codes his flipflops. Go figure.
Vagitarian then invites Homeboy to a party where she hooks up with this chick Lorelai(We'll call her LesbiWitch). Who’s a witch. Who’s one of the unknown bitches from his dream. Vagitarian and LesbiWitch wander off. Homeboy eats a roofied cookie. Redhead pukes on his shoe—OH SHIT, SHE’S THE OTHER UNNAMED BITCH. Homeboy gets checked out by a dude.
Homeboy goes to the bathroom to wash off shoe.
London, Juno Temple, gets all pissy(EH EH EH) cause she needs to take a whiz. He lets her in, and she pisses in an open stall, questioning his sexuality. He makes her wash her hands, and she decides to fuck him cause she thinks he’s gay. Go figure. His drugged up ass gets dragged back to her place where they do it. Just at the same time LesbiWitch is giving Vagitarian road head. Go figure.
Homeboy and London have a discussion that Homeboy likes to make other chicks finish off. London’s not having that. Sex again.
Cut to LesbiWitch and Vagitarian going at it at whoever’s house. LesbiWitch totes denies Vagitarian the good, and uses her witchley powers of sex. Whatevs, NBD.
Cut back to Homeboy and London. They finish, and London is all, ‘kay night’ and he’s all, ‘yay, cuddles!’ and she’s all ‘Gimme your number, THEN GTFO’. So as he’s doing the walk of shame, random ass redhead runs up screaming in her skivvies that someone’s going to get her, and puts something in his pocket.
Homeboy and VictoriaSecret go bolting through some random park or something?
Bitch trips, as bitches do. And she drags Homeboy down with her. What a bitch! THEN PEOPLE IN ANIMAL MASKS. WE GOT TONY THE TIGER, LAMBCHOP THE LAMB, AND THE BIG BAD MUTHAFUCKIN WOLF. And they like grab her. And stab her in the forehead?
Dude blacks out, and is complaining yet again to Vagitarian about his weird shit. She tells him her lay last night was a witch. Of course, NBD. He goes to his dorm after a long day of classes(?) and checks out his half naked roommate who is asleep. Then remembers the shit in his pocket, and it’s some BAD ASS LOOKIN USB THING. He puts it in his computer, and it’s a video of animal masks, yet again.
And it’s cutting between Homeboy and the video. THAT’S WHEN YOU NOTICE THERE IS SOMEONE BEHIND HOMEBOY. HOMEBOY, LOOK THE FUCK OUT! Homeboy gets chloroformed. Only to wake up in his own bed, with the USB thng gone. Worse date ever.
Homeboy is determined to find VictoriaSecret (Who puked on his shoe, previously, I believe). So he goes through the student directory. FINDS THE BITCH. Homeboy flips his shit, and calls every god damn O’Hara in the phonebook. We are currently about 23 minutes in. So far, about 15 minutes without sex. DO WE POSSIBLY HAVE A PLOT GOING?
Oh, no. What a lie. London calls. She’s stressed about a test. What does she want? Go figure. IN THE MIDDLE OF THE GOD DAMN DAY. Luckily, we don’t see sex, but the after cuddle. If
London wasn’t such a tart, they’d be a cute couple. He thinks so too, cause he goes on some ‘I FEEL CONNECTED’ spiel, and she’s all ‘Aww, that’s cute. Me too. But dueces’.
OH SHIT, LONDON FINDS THE PAPER OF VICTORIASECRET, AND SHE FUCKING KNOWS HER. Says VictoriaSecret collapsed in class. Not surprising. So far, I realize people in this movie are stoned, or fucking. Good lord. Homeboy tells London he saw the chick get murdered by dudes in animal masks.
LONDON IS ALL WTF YO. Bitch knows something, but dumbass roommate has to come and bust up the party. For once,
Homeboy does not have a woody for his roomie.
Btw, I need to transcript this perfect, because this is a tramp line perfectly.
Roomate: Where you boning?
London: ….I was just leaving. –to Homeboy- I’ll call you.
Roomate: -blocking the door- …Heeeyy.
London: Heeyyy….could you move your fat ass out of the way?
Of course. Plot was here, then it was gone. Lesbian after cuddles. Vagitarian says they’ve been doing it for five hours. Oh jesus. LesbiWitch is some kind of nympho. Vagitarian says no sex, she’s tired. LESBIWITCH USES SOME SCARY AS FUCK MONSTER SKULL THING AND SCARES THE FUCK OUT OF VAGITARIAN INTO HAVING SEX WITH HER. WHAT THE HELL.
Come on movie. Pick a direction, and go with it. Just. Please.
Vagitarian calls Homeboy for help in the bathroom, and LesbiWitch comes in, and Vagitarian is all, ‘Ugh, g2g Homie” AND OH SHIT, ANIMAL MASKS ARE AFTER HOMEBOY AGAIN. But he gets away after screaming like a little girl. And has officially shit himself, as he is now speaking in soprano. Then he looks out his window, and what does he see?
Tony the Tiger, Lambchop, and the Big Bad Muthafuckin Wolf.
That was enough to make ME freaked out. Either this movie is making me prudishly uncomfortable with it’s slaggy ways, or it’s completely scaring me into next week.
Vagitarian comes over, and she is finally taking Homeboy serious when he says something fucked up is going on. London just walks the fuck in. Go figure. London says as she was studying, she saw a newspaper about a headless body found in a dumpster(SAME DUMPSTER HE WAS DREAMING ABOUT). WHO IS DUNDUNDUN…Victoria Secret. Bitch got killed.
So Homeboy goes to a nude beach to clear his mind. Yes boys and girls. He goes to land of Vienna sausages, pootang, and tattybojangles to “clear his mind”. Of course. Random muscular hot dude. Great. Gay sex on the beach.
Vagitarian is getting progressively freaked out by psycho, witchy, scary girlfriend. Admittedly, LesbiWitch reminds me of Iceland.
Later that night, Homeboy receives an Anon by cute dude who was checking him out at the party. Aww, he’s a social retard. Invites him out to coffee. OH GEE, HIS NAME IS OLIVER. Great.
Cut back to Vagitarian. Who is now getting abused and beaten up via LesbiWitch’s voodoo doll. HAHA, JK IT WAS A NIGHTMARE.
London and Homeboy have lunch. London torments Homeboy by bringing over another gay crush. Either she’s gonna hook them up, or there’s going to be another slutfest. She randomly asks to Rex to shag. He coughs up his sandwich, AND THEY ZOOM IN ON THE BIT HE COUGHED UP. IRRELIVANT.
Great. Sex scene with London and Rex. WHICH IS QUITE GRAPHIC. JESUS CHRIST, CENSORSHIP PLEASE. MY SUDDENLY PRUDEISH EYES CANT TAKE THIS. Oh look. London gives sex lesson 101. What was that sound? That was the sound of the plot flying out the window. London goes back to Homeboy’s dorm. Roomate comes n and is acting weird.
I think the plot is now peeking in again.
Homeboy gets an alert. Someone stole dead bitch’s torso. WTF.
Vagitarian dumps LesbiWitch. Shit gets scary.
Homeboy answers a booty call to GayBeach. But he’s wankin it to gay porn. Movie, just….movie. –shakes head-
Turns out booty call was a bust. GayBeach is married. OH DAMN.
Another booty call from London. Turns out she’s into kink. MOVIE, PLOT PLEASE. PLOT. PLEASE.
But what’s this? Homeboy is blindfolded. AND LONDON HAS SOMEHOW CONVINCED REX TO PARTICIPATE. MOVIE. PLEASE, ANY DAY NOW IS A GOOD DAY FOR PLOT. As bizarre as this is, and it could be the sappy cute soundtrack. But that was awfully sweet of London. Sorta.
Homeboy goes to a concert with Vagitarian. Runs into Oliver. Oliver says, and I quote, “Eat shit and kill yourself”. A bit dramatic, due to Homeboy’s email never having arrived, offering to take the dude out. Geez, homopissy. They make a date for dinner. Now. I predict either Oliver is gonna get killed, or Homeboy is gonna be too busy bangin, and forget his date.
Homeboy and Vagitarian stop at a gas station. I predict shit is gonna hit the fan. Of course. Weird goth crew is giving Homeboy the stink eye. Homeboy is pissing. And notices limp hand under the stall. GUESS WHO FOUND THE BOOODDYYY.
Only it’s not a body. It’s VictoriaSecret. And she’s alive. And she jumps awake, scaring the fuck out of me and Homeboy. She knows about the men in masks, and tries to bail. But he begs her, and she dishes.
Turns out she had a twin sister, and when they were little, the men in animal masks came and took her away.
Turns out LesbiWitch chilled out on the psycho calls. Vagitarian and Homeboy enjoy birthday donuts, ONLY VAGITARIAN’S IS FILED WITH MAGGOTS AND ENTRILS, WTF.
LesbiWitch possessed Homeboy. God dammit. Broken glass out of nowhere shatters, Homeboy snaps out of it. Vagitarian picks up the ball which says ‘Till Death Do Us Part’. For some reason, this is reminding me of every girlfriend that I ever had.
Homeboy wakes up in the middle of the night, and gets an ominous IM. He clicks a link given to him, and is all ‘holy shit’. But THEY DON’T SHOW IT. YAY PLOT.
Turns out the site is about a cult. When he tries to tell Vagitarian about it—the history is completely gone. Turns out VictoriaSecret’s twin sister is one of the ostracized members. Oh snap. Twinny did a bunch of stuff to speak out, and her penalty was death. Oooohhhhhfuck. So the chick he was running with on campus, wasn't VictoriaSecret, but actually the Twin!
It showed a picture of the leader. AND THE LEADER LOOKS LIKE HOMEBOY’S SUPPOSIBLY DEAD FATHER.
Vagitarian sums it up with a “…whatthefuckareyoutalkingabout.”
Oh great. Now Homeboy’s mom is getting in on the whole sex action with her trainer. Movie was going good, then BAM. Lost. YAY. HOMEBOY COCKBLOCKS WITH QUESTIONS ABOUT HIS DAD.
Mom shuts him down, tells him to stop asking question. The bitch knows something.
Homeboy has a dream of his dad, and his dad drops a certain book. The next day he sees London reading the same book. London knows all about the cult, and explains to Homeboy. Turns out her dad wasn’t an alchie, but was in the cult. Yay plot, how I missed you!
As they are discussing this, Messiah, their stoner RA walks in stumbling with a crown of thorns on his head, bleeding. And collapses. This had better be good. Apparently “the end is near”. How cliché.
Cut back to Vagitarian brushing her teeth. I sense some spooky LesbiWitch shit is about to go down. I hope Vagitarian doesn’t die. I quite like her. OH SHIT. LESBIWITCH IS CHOKING HER, TRYING TO KILL HER. Water gets on her, and she freaks. Vagitarian sprays water. Bitch collapses. Then disappears.
Homeboy gets a frantic call from his mom saying to come home. He and Vagitarian roll out.
Homeboy gets a call from London, and Messiah disappeared. He had dioxin in his system, like the Russian spy dude. He was poisoned. YAY, PLOT.
Homeboy arrives at the house, and is looking for his mom who is gone. Then gets attacked by a guy in a pig mask. We’ll call him Porky. Homeboy rips the mask off. IT’S MOM’S TRAINER. Vagitarian to the rescue. She bashes him over the head with glass. FUCK YEAH!
He finds out al this information on his mom’s blackberry. She’s been kidnapped. He’s telling London that there’s incriminating evidence, and everyone’s in on it. And that there’s a list of his father’s children. HAHA, GUESS WHAT. LONDON’S HIS HALF SISTER.
LESBIANS? CHECK! GAY MEN? CHECK! MILF? CHECK! INCEST? YOU BET YER BOTTOM DOLLAR!
Oh shit, now I notice there’s someone behind London. DAMMIT. CHLOROFORMED BY TONY THE TIGER.
Homeboy and Vagitarian split up to pack. They’re skipping town, cause everyone’s getting kidnapped. I think the Roomie knows something, and something’s gonna happen to Vagitarian.
There’s banging around in his closet, he opens it. It’s his mom ducttaped in there. AND SOMEONE BEHIND HOMEBOY.
Oh my fucking god. Okay, so they grab Homeboy, and toss him in a van with Mom and London, then they take off their masks.
God fuckking dammit.
THERE ARE SERIOUS SPOILERS BELOW. IF YOU WANT TO READ THEM, GO FOR IT. IF YOU WANT TO SAVE THE SURPRISE FOR YOURSELF, GO WATCH THE MOVIE.
It’s GayBeach, Roomie, and Rex.
Vagitarian goes to check on Homeboy, he’s gome. Messiah shows up, and is not kidnapped, or high. Gawdamn Movie. Turns out Messiah has NEVER SMOKED WEED. And he kinda has Jesus hair and beard. OH MY GOD IS HE FUCKING JESUS?!?!
Oh, jk. He’s part of the resistance. AND SO IS OLIVER, HOW CUTE!
So apparently. All this sex and banging was totally relevant. I feel somewhat better about it now.
Turns out Messiah’s girlfriend is VictoriaSecret’s Twin(The one that was killed)!!!!! O__O
Turns out Oliver is a witch too! But a good one, apparently. The cult looks for “gifted” youngins. Turns out LesbiWitch was also one of these kids, but she came out fucked up. Apparently they have nuclear war planned, and Homeboy is supposed to bring this about when he turns 19. Holy shit, Movie.
Roomie decides London and Mom can get some air, and he taunts London and takes her tape off. She headbutts him, and gets him with pepperspray. FUCKYEAH! London proceeds to kick Roomie and Rex’s ass. Then side-by-side car gun shootout with an AMAZING track plays in the background.
They go STRAIGHT FOR AN OUTED BRIDGE. Then it cuts off with Homeboy’s look of horror. Then Creeper Dad’s face shows up. Then Creeper Dad is staring at a red button which will release the nuclear bombs. He hits it and the world explodes.
I’m not fucking kidding. That’s the end of the movie.
What the fuck did I just watch? Movie you…I…what? YOU WERE ALMOST GOOD! WHAT JUST HAPPENED, I DON’T EVEN. WHAT. Wat.
TL;DR
……..If you need a mindfuck while you’re stoned off your ass, watch it. Other wise. Save yourself some brain pain.
At first the movie seems like a soft core pornography, and is a bit hard to watch. The plot peeks through, then runs back out the window. However, towards the end of the movie, the plot ties together, and all the sex in the beginning is actually relevant. However, the end of the movie is a bit “what the fuck” sort of moment. And I really. Honestly sat here. Staring. Confused. I…
I thought Suckerpunch, and Butterfly Effect were mind fucks. But I was dreadfully mistaken.
