Post by SARAH MACGUIRE on Jan 18, 2012 18:39:39 GMT -5
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Sarah Macguire was not okay.
Well, to be honest, she hadn't ever since... then. Ever since she had made the worst mistake of her life. She hadn't had more than one drink at any parties since that time, and she turned into the kind who took almost ridiculous precatuions when it came to making sure no one put anything extra in. But no one could know that. No, if anyone found out that she wasn't okay in a psychological sense, everything she had built up the last four years (Only four? College seemed to go by so fast) would be destroyed. So Sarah plastered a smile on her face whenever she could around people, but it didn't reach her eyes. No, she didn't trust anyone anymore. How could she? The last person she trusted stole something from her she could never get back. Well, actually, he stole a lot.
Her virginity.
Her dignity.
Her innocence.
Maybe even her sanity.
Not to mention her power and control over what little she had.
But oh, she had taken that back. She had taken that back and made sure he would never do that to anyone again. And she never forgot a single moment of that short era of being nothing but a slave to someone more evil than Sarah could ever consider herself or her mentor. She remembered every time someone brushed up against her by accident, or a professor told her to do something, or a man got a little too close for comfort. That feeling of helplessness and lack of power like when he was touching her or when the spokesperson said "Not guilty" came back for a second before it switched to the feeling she had when she carried out her escape or when she felt the knife pierce his skin. When she got power back, and maybe even gained some, which is what began her thirst for more power. Taking it from alpha male personalities and rapists and pedophiles and all of those men who thought they had control over her for a split second before her true motives were revealed. And then they were nothing.
No, she really wasn't okay.
But she couldn't let anyone know, as much as she wanted to scream it out to the world to maybe find someone who could understand. Because Sarah's life was a lonely one, though she did have friends. But her 'friends' didn't know the first thing about the quiet girl who hardly ever talked about her present, let alone her past. The funniest thing about that was the fact that they probably didn't even know they didn't know, and that's how Sarah had to keep it, as much as it pained her.
So yes, she technically was a murderer(though she liked to think of herself as a more of a vigilante), and yes, she really didn't trust most people. But that didn't mean she still wasn't a young woman in college, and needed a break from that stress sometimes so she didn't snap from the pressure.
She chuckled a bit from that thought. Sarah Macguire was way past snapping. Unless, of course, you could snap again, which she didn't think so.
So before her first class of the day, she got up and dressed in the comfiest clothes she owned that still looked acceptable, and carefully did her makeup and even curled her hair so that it fell in gentle waves. Yes, she was still a woman, and she could look nice if she wanted to.
Then, she did something she hardly ever did: broke routine. She never went here before her first class because... well, she didn't want to take the chance of getting into an altercation in the crowded building because of an accidental touch. Today, though, she was sure she could handle it. Besides, most men weren't exactly complete assholes this early in the morning, right? She stuck to that thought while she stepped into the Starbucks and straight into the line, which made it to the door. It was chilly, so Sarah was glad she didn't have to stand outside.
As she tended to do when bored, she scanned the room and took in her surroundings, a sort of people-watching exercise that often kept her busy. There was quite a variety of people, seeing as this was also before high school started, so teenagers and adults alike filled the too-small building. Most or the younger customers had bags under their eyes like Sarah. She wondered if they were like her, and couldn't close their eyes without having a horrific memory take the place of the common nightmare, or they just stayed up late playing video games or watching movies or even something else.
Her breath caught in her throat with a sort of gasp for a minute and her smile faltered. No, why was she... jealous? That couldn't be what had just taken over when she saw the way the one couple seemed to be attatched at the hip with their hair not looking the greatest and the faintest smudge of the woman's makeup from yesterday. Just because she couldn't not flashback and lash out at a man who she was getting intimate with didn't mean she was jealous of those who could do those things without any apparent issue. No, that couldn't possibly be what that was. Men in that way were not Sarah's strongest desire and she was ju-
Hearing a small throat-clearing from behind her, she realized the line had moved up quite a bit, though there were a lot of people still standing in front of her. Well, it wasn't her fault she had gotten distracted, though she was thankful for them snapping her out of it and not just cutting in line. As soon as she had caught up in line, she turned around to apologize and/or thank the person, and realized that her smile was not back. Managing a small and rather awkward smile that mirrored her recently lost mental composure, she hoped they wouldn't ask her anything or really noticed at all. Sarah needed people to believe she was okay.
She was okay, right.
Now what was she going to say? Shaking her head, she just turned around to continue waiting in line, also hoping the person didn't notice her mouth being open like she was going to say something. What was wrong with her today? Maybe it was the fact that her mentor was oddly quiet. He tended to comment on certain things and people who Sarah watched.
notes this is really fluffy and all over the place words1246 - 112 tagged open outfit lalala lyrics I'm Not Okay (I Promise) by My Chemical Romance credit made for hedgie @ OUAC for sarah macguire
