Post by DR. FINN THOMAS on Sept 25, 2011 22:10:38 GMT -5
Questions were found by Jason Grahm, Thalia Hart, and Jeffrey Freeman (if I forgot anyone let me know)
Auto-Complete Advice Column
Q: Where is the best place to punch someone?
A: Alright, your first move is going to be to find the recipient of the punch’s schedule. Any guidance counselor will do, though Mr. Hurley is the most likely to give you candy. Go ahead and take a look at the classes he has, and see if any of them catch your eye as being particularly assault-worthy environments. One of the key factors to evaluate is the recipient’s chance of attendance: you can’t punch someone who isn’t there. Lots and lots of inordinately valid studies have indicated a direct correlation between class attendance and the average number of PBIS slips generated per month: I would get your hands on some of those statistics before making a final decision. Also, consider the teacher of the classes in question. Personally I would suggest Mr. Bayer’s class, providing you present the punch as a metaphor for the World War II Invasion of Poland, yourself symbolizing Germany while your victim represents the Poland. You’ll have to make sure you adopt the appropriate German accent: ask Mr. Bayer for some pointers, particularly concerning the correct amount of fury and octave jumps to employ. Failing that, just ask anyone who has ever been in one of Mr. Bayer’s classes ever. Hey, this advice column stuff is easier than I thought!
Q: How can I get a guy to not follow me on Twitter?
A: Stalk him. And we’re not talking little hipster Health Documentary stalking either. No, for as daunting a task as this, you’re going to need some big-boy stalking. Day in, day out, keeping as low a profile as humanly possible, follow him wherever he goes, and keep your eyes on that cell phone at all costs. Now, I’m just going to go ahead and assume that you’ve taken Mr. Guy’s self-defense class when answering this one. The second you see him pull out his phone to follow you on Twitter, or even get a glint in his eyes that vaguely alludes to his following you on Twitter, spring into action. Remember, in such imperative matters as Twitter following, this heathen is guilty until proven innocent. The first thing you’re going to want to use is a hold-break. It’s worth taking a few seconds to perfect your stance (we’re talking down to the millimeter here), because as all of us who passed tenth grade gym know, an improper fighting stance can, and will, lead you to a most certain and painful death. And, more importantly, if Mr. Guy happens to be walking by at the time, he will fail you on the spot. Now, you’re going to use the hold break…hold break? Or single wrist grab? Which is the one where you…oh, never mind, just do it. If he’s too close, you might have to resort to the “in-in-out”…not “in-in-out”, you pervert, just…oh, never mind. Forget that. Anyhoo, after hollering “back” and exhaling to taste, go ahead and hurl him into the nearest tangible surface you can find. My personal recommendation is that gargantuan Abe Lincoln statue, because, okay, am I the only person who isn’t incredibly creeped out by that thing? Then you should be able to-what’s that? You had Mr. Tripp for sophomore gym? Well, excuse me. Goodness, you just can’t please anyone these days, can you? I don’t know, throw a rock at him, or something? I mean, you can’t expect me to come up with an in depth solution for every single scenario. God, they really don’t pay me enough for this.
Q: Why is there a dead terrorist on my couch?
A: I killed him, because he’s a stupid little son of a-what? Oh, sorry, still mad about that other question. Carry on.
Q: How much house can I afford?
A: I mean, House is technically a fictional character, but I’m sure that with the right amount of money, anything is possible. If you call up Hugh Laurie’s manager, I’m sure you two could work out some kind of a…oh! Light bulb! Do you still have that dead terrorist? Okay, so bring that body out to the House set, then swap it in for Hugh Laurie when nobody’s looking. Won’t fool them, certainly, but it should buy you the few precious seconds you’ll need to load him into your car. See, no money involved! And if you hold him for ransom once you’ve gotten tired of him, you might actually have a lucrative venture on your hands!
Q:Do pies eat snakes?
A: Were there literally no other questions today? Uh, I don’t know, I mean, strawberry rhubarb can be feisty at times, but snakes? That’s a tough call. I’ll get back to you. God, this is getting boring.
Q: Why are there school?
A: That’s why. Next question.
Q: Is it normal to be sexually attracted to numbers?
A: Oh Jesus. Can someone else take this thing over?
Q: What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each other?
A: I’d hold-break/single-wrist-grab them both into next Wednesday while hollering “back” in a German accent and hurling them into that stupid, stupid, stupid, scary as all heck Abe Lincoln statue. Someone please remind me why I’m doing this dang-
Q: What would happen if I poured self-raising flour on an orphan?
A: Christ, enough of this advice column stuff. I’m getting a beer.
This has been [insert name here], Assaulting You With Rectitude since 1700 BC! Tune in next week for inordinately more enlightenment and truth!
Auto-Complete Advice Column
Q: Where is the best place to punch someone?
A: Alright, your first move is going to be to find the recipient of the punch’s schedule. Any guidance counselor will do, though Mr. Hurley is the most likely to give you candy. Go ahead and take a look at the classes he has, and see if any of them catch your eye as being particularly assault-worthy environments. One of the key factors to evaluate is the recipient’s chance of attendance: you can’t punch someone who isn’t there. Lots and lots of inordinately valid studies have indicated a direct correlation between class attendance and the average number of PBIS slips generated per month: I would get your hands on some of those statistics before making a final decision. Also, consider the teacher of the classes in question. Personally I would suggest Mr. Bayer’s class, providing you present the punch as a metaphor for the World War II Invasion of Poland, yourself symbolizing Germany while your victim represents the Poland. You’ll have to make sure you adopt the appropriate German accent: ask Mr. Bayer for some pointers, particularly concerning the correct amount of fury and octave jumps to employ. Failing that, just ask anyone who has ever been in one of Mr. Bayer’s classes ever. Hey, this advice column stuff is easier than I thought!
Q: How can I get a guy to not follow me on Twitter?
A: Stalk him. And we’re not talking little hipster Health Documentary stalking either. No, for as daunting a task as this, you’re going to need some big-boy stalking. Day in, day out, keeping as low a profile as humanly possible, follow him wherever he goes, and keep your eyes on that cell phone at all costs. Now, I’m just going to go ahead and assume that you’ve taken Mr. Guy’s self-defense class when answering this one. The second you see him pull out his phone to follow you on Twitter, or even get a glint in his eyes that vaguely alludes to his following you on Twitter, spring into action. Remember, in such imperative matters as Twitter following, this heathen is guilty until proven innocent. The first thing you’re going to want to use is a hold-break. It’s worth taking a few seconds to perfect your stance (we’re talking down to the millimeter here), because as all of us who passed tenth grade gym know, an improper fighting stance can, and will, lead you to a most certain and painful death. And, more importantly, if Mr. Guy happens to be walking by at the time, he will fail you on the spot. Now, you’re going to use the hold break…hold break? Or single wrist grab? Which is the one where you…oh, never mind, just do it. If he’s too close, you might have to resort to the “in-in-out”…not “in-in-out”, you pervert, just…oh, never mind. Forget that. Anyhoo, after hollering “back” and exhaling to taste, go ahead and hurl him into the nearest tangible surface you can find. My personal recommendation is that gargantuan Abe Lincoln statue, because, okay, am I the only person who isn’t incredibly creeped out by that thing? Then you should be able to-what’s that? You had Mr. Tripp for sophomore gym? Well, excuse me. Goodness, you just can’t please anyone these days, can you? I don’t know, throw a rock at him, or something? I mean, you can’t expect me to come up with an in depth solution for every single scenario. God, they really don’t pay me enough for this.
Q: Why is there a dead terrorist on my couch?
A: I killed him, because he’s a stupid little son of a-what? Oh, sorry, still mad about that other question. Carry on.
Q: How much house can I afford?
A: I mean, House is technically a fictional character, but I’m sure that with the right amount of money, anything is possible. If you call up Hugh Laurie’s manager, I’m sure you two could work out some kind of a…oh! Light bulb! Do you still have that dead terrorist? Okay, so bring that body out to the House set, then swap it in for Hugh Laurie when nobody’s looking. Won’t fool them, certainly, but it should buy you the few precious seconds you’ll need to load him into your car. See, no money involved! And if you hold him for ransom once you’ve gotten tired of him, you might actually have a lucrative venture on your hands!
Q:Do pies eat snakes?
A: Were there literally no other questions today? Uh, I don’t know, I mean, strawberry rhubarb can be feisty at times, but snakes? That’s a tough call. I’ll get back to you. God, this is getting boring.
Q: Why are there school?
A: That’s why. Next question.
Q: Is it normal to be sexually attracted to numbers?
A: Oh Jesus. Can someone else take this thing over?
Q: What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each other?
A: I’d hold-break/single-wrist-grab them both into next Wednesday while hollering “back” in a German accent and hurling them into that stupid, stupid, stupid, scary as all heck Abe Lincoln statue. Someone please remind me why I’m doing this dang-
Q: What would happen if I poured self-raising flour on an orphan?
A: Christ, enough of this advice column stuff. I’m getting a beer.
This has been [insert name here], Assaulting You With Rectitude since 1700 BC! Tune in next week for inordinately more enlightenment and truth!
